2012 Review

Within an hour, the last day of 2012 will begin. Looking back at what happen this year, I've reach the highest peak of the mountains and decended to the depths of the valley.

I felt like the luckiest women alive, got engage and lost it all within 6 months. I visited eastern Europe and have tasted love and seen snowflakes. I've also have the opportunity to experience the lost of a planned future and learn to be grateful for what I have each and everyday.

It was hard to look back as I could not emotionally recall how good I felt when he ask me to marry him (thank you trusty brain ;) ). I guess my brain is still not ready to emotionally digest it. Nor am I able to recall the horrible feelings I felt when he left me. All that remains are the facts of what happened, its like my emotions were deleted over night. Not a bad thing as I believe my brain knows best and will bring them to light when the time is right.

I cried about my high school heartbreaks 6 years later lol. As long as you are true to your feelings no one can fault you on that. So what's my new year's resolution? Here are some of them!

1. Work out at least once a day
2. Keep an open mind and meet new people.
3. Make choices that makes me happy instead of others
4. Do what makes me happy and learn to be happy alone
5. Get my own place and move out :)

I try to remind myself these are merely goals not expectations. I've already plan to get myself a whiteboard and set daily goals to motivate and help me through my bad days. If I don't have a man to give me a reason to wake up everyday, I'll give myself a reason to!

I've seen too many people that hand over their lives to those who hurt them. He doesn't deserve to have power over any part of my life. I deserve to be love, to be happy, to do what I love with or without him.

Today was a good day, watched My Little Pony for the first time and loved it. Made me feel like I was reliving my childhood, save, happy, and cuddly. Now that I have more time, I am thinking of joining the gym, taking cooking classes, or college groups just to meet new people. I could possibly rekindle my old interest such as writting ( I attempt to wrote a novel once, got a lot of positive feedback), playing the piano, stitching, reading, puzzles, the posibility is endless.

I still miss the relationship, being able to hang out and have that connection. But until I can be happy on my own, no one can make me feel complete. I will simply end up suffocating the next guy that comes around. This whole time, life have been trying to teach me a lesson, that I need to change and sometimes, you just can't plan your life. You have to go with it and be positive, lift your head up high and make the best of it. Usually it is when I have the least that I am able to be thankful for the little things that I have.

2013, although I wish things would have been different, I am ready to face you and am excited to see what happens. 2012 will always be a memorable year, for better or for worst. Tonight, Jere and Crisi wanted me to be a part of their family and ask me if I would want to be their adopted daughter. It made me cry, if things work out with Thomas, I would never have the mum and dad that I do now. Thank you.

Maybe

There are many good people in my life. Falling in love and meeting someone that is great at a bad timing can be hard. You try your best to stop yourself from going down that road, because you know you are not emotionally ready.

Although I no longer cry about it, it still hurts. Knowing that he never intended to move and all the lies he told to get what he wants, there is no words to describe the pain I feel. Sometimes it is not easy trying to be the better person, sometimes I just want to stoop to his level and beat him silly.

I met a nice guy, I think he's sweet. But my current life situation does not favor a serious relationship, nor does his. I like his companionship and the friendship we share. Being able to be honest with each other and simply say what is on our minds. Come January our lives will be very different, I'll be going home, getting a job and applying for schools while he will start taking a course. Add that all up and throw in the time difference, I don't know what it will look like. Maybe we'll stop liking each other, maybe we will move on with our own lives, maybe we will be friends.

Part of me wish I don't feel the way I do. It just makes things so much more complicated. Part of me is hoping that this feeling will go away the other part of me wants it to grow into something more. We've talk about it and we've agreed that we should just enjoy each other's company while it last.

While I know that I'm still grieving from my last relationship, it would not be fair to drag another person into the emotional mess I'm in. I would often be reminded of Thomas for simple things that he said or do and that's a red flag that I'm not ready for a relationship yet.

I'd rather not have a relationship at all then to start one at a wrong time. I value his friendship and would not want to loose it if things don't work out.

Alone in the dark

Sitting here wide awake at 3.30am unable to sleep. Alone in the dark crying, feaing for my future, heart broken, and empty. He broke my heart because he could, I can't help but wonder if he made up an excuse just to break up with me. He's still home in Warsaw, no where near Denmark or Norway.

I try to comfort myself by reminding myself that even though I may be in hell right now, if I did go to Poland, I would be in a different kind of hell. Its hard to count your blessings when you feel like they have been taken away from you. I can't help but feel angry at my parents for choosing to stay in Malaysia instead of migrating when they could. They always make choices that is comfortable and easy for them. The only time they think of their children is saving money.

I'm really scared that I'll never be happy again. That I'll be stuck in this rut forever. I know its unrealistic but I'm so beat down its so hard to be positive. He left me when I needed him the most. The fact that I stayed in the relationship after all the crap he pulled is a sign that he does not deserve me.

Relationships feel so fake and fragile. One moment you are lovers, 3 days later you're strangers. Not because of anything I did, but because you're tired and bored? I don't know. Thank you for leaving me behind, refusing to take responsibility for the things you did or attempt to clean up your mess. The only regret I have is giving you a second chance.

I'm scared of getting engage, I'm scared of liking someone else even though they are 10 times better than you. I'm going to crawl out of this hole and live a better life than you, show you I can do better and give myself the things you refuse to give me.

Take it as a gift, but don't expect it

Its that time of the year again. I'm actually excited for Christmas even though I won't be building a snowman, cuddling with the love of my life, or making snow angels. But it's alright, I get to spend it with people who loved me dearly. Can't wait to see them in San Jose.

Tomorrow will be the last day of my finals which marks the end of my college career. The memory of my first 3 weeks here felt as if it was yesterday. I had a lot of bad experiences and met a lot of bad people. People who would not hesitate to hurt me or watch me fall. But I've met even more good people, good people who would take me out to dinner using the gift card they receive for Christmas, good people who offer me a place to stay, most of all good people who love me unconditionally.

I will always be grateful for their kindness and I will never forget it. There were times when I wasn't the easiest person to love, yet they never gave up on me. I still remember wanting to give up on college and life the second week I arrived. I felt lost, didn't have friends, and didn't know what to do.

I've learn so much and have grown so much intellectually and emotionally. Even though this was not the best college experience, I have met some wonderful people that have make a huge difference in my life.

It gets lonely sometimes and I wish I have a boyfriend, to cuddle, snuggle, and to love me. But I know I have to learn to be alone for awhile. When people make me smile and I have a great time, I am thankful for every second of it. I remind myself that it's not fair to expect others to take away my problems and make me happy. Life just doesn't work that way. I have to go out there and learn to make myself happy and do things for me, stop making decisions base on other people and doing things I enjoy.

Hoping to be in my own apartment next to the beach in Australia next Christmas. Wish me luck :)

Happy Birthday!

Yesterday was my birthday, but we decided to go out and celebrate today. I never thought I was going to have so much fun without him. It almost feels wrong to feel so good without him. We went to in-n-out ...sat at the same table I did 4 years ago with Colby, last place I hung out with my friend Andrea before she move to North Carolina. 

It's another crowded fast food joint to anyone but to me, it's a special place. Had a lot of good memories there. I miss those moments so much, but I know there is my whole life ahead of me to make more of them :) 

I feel like I am finally living the life I want. There is still a long way to get there but I'm on the right track. I've realize how much I like to fix people. It wasn't something I do because I want to, it was something I do because I had to. I need to stop doing it in order to live a better life -- stop robbing people of the chance to grow up, learn, and be a better person. 

If I knew how good I feel without him, I would have dump him the first chance I get. Thank you for leaving me and giving me my life back :)

An amazing dream. Thank you God.

So, I was out for 4 hours. I got home after an exhausting day and past out on the coach. I had the most amazing dream ever. In my dreams, he came back into my life the day after he dump me and we were super best friends again. As if nothing ever happen, it was awesome. We were laughing, sharing stories like we use to. He wanted to get back together and I jump at the opportunity.

I felt like I was the luckiest girl alive and could finally breathe again. I ask him why he had been ignoring me or being mean to me through out the break up. He simply claim that he was angry and was ignoring me with earplugs while smiling and laughing jokingly. All this time, the conversation took place around Warsaw while we were riding the bus visiting all the places that was special to us.

I was so happy, I went home and told my parents I needed to cancel my return ticket to go home because I'm spending christmas with him in Warsaw. They were not please, my dad told me that he isn't worth my time. Getting back together might hurt me even more and I will most likely end up wasting my time and effort. Needless to say I got upset, but I know deep down, they were right. After the way he treated me, I no longe trust him.

So back on the bus in warsaw again ( dreams have weird transition), I told him cheercully that we should be friends for 6 months and see if this is what we want before getting back together. The cheerful and joyful atmosphere quickly changed. He got angry and called it bullshit. I tried to make him understand the kindest way I could but he blame me, saying that he came back because he love me. How dare I say this to him? I wasn't scared, I wasn't angry, I just stood up from my seat and told him to take it or leave it. I got off the bus and walk off into a cold white Warsaw and end up at home.

Most beautiful and inspiring dream ever :) maybe deep down inside my subconcious knew what I want and what I needed.

The things I learn...Oh life...

So, I've given him ample chance to help me understand why things turn out the way they did. I never like to call someone an asshole or a jerk until I'm sure. Being misunderstood and not having the proper emotional tools to express yourself can be quite painful.

I think too much about him, what is good for him, what is best for him, but I neglected to look out for me. I forget that he was the one who left me and walk out. It's as if I have amnesia and simply forget about all the horrible things he did and only remember the good. How our brains choose to remember only the good because we are so afraid of change baffles me.

Anyhow, after today, I can honestly say that he is 110% of a douche bag without a doubt. I figure for all the shit he puts me through, I deserve to know or at least hear from him, why he is such a turd. Can't expect a boy to act like a men.

All the shit he said to me, he did none. Take me for fondue -- never happen, buy me flowers when he fuck up -- happen once, call my ex stupid and said they should taste the side walk -- well he should have his balls mince and sold as meat balls.

Replaced him the very day he dump me. Time to fucking move on without that turd. I'd be glad to hear the next guy I date describe how they wanna kill him... Besides all the shit he puts me through, I'm still a better person in a sense that I don't feel the need to attack him verbally or purposely hurt his feelings (something he cannot do).

I can go on and on and repeat myself about the crap he pulled and what an ass he is. But at this point, it is no longer a surprise to me or to anyone who reads this blog. I'm sure some of you have come to the conclusion of that much earlier than I did. As they say, you can't buy an ass and pray that it'll act like a prize horse. You get what you see.

Sometimes not having an answer is an answer. I learn that I need to stop giving guys so much slack and boot them out of my life the minute they mess up. Should have stayed away when I broke off the engagement. Oh well, as they say, there is a douche bag born every second. I now have one more to add to my collection and can proudly share with my girlfriends one more interesting horror story about men. Welcome to planet earth.

People always say we should't judge someone base on another person's mistakes. I agree, I don't think you should stop dating or give up on relationship because you met a few swines. But I do think that every time you meet a pig, you should move your princess ass one floor higher in your ivory tower. That way you can see farther out your window and hope for a better prince. At the same time, the next prince will have to fight harder to win you over. If a man loves you, he'll climb mountains and swim across the ocean just to be with you. That is not a fairy tale, that is love in action. Not just a feeling, but someone making a choice to have you in their life no matter what.

Bull shit excuse from men about commitment, fear of rejection and fear of failure is their way of being lazy. We all have our fears, men need to stop acting like boys and grow some balls. Lack of father figures in our time may have contributed to the over production of boys who never grow up. Women are afraid of commitment, rejection, and failure too. Since I don't have an external genitalia, I think you get to take the 1st step and jump. If I'm not good enough for you to risk it, you're not worth my time.

On a side note -- SUSHI FOR ME B'DAY!!! YAY!!! :D looking forward to it. Thanks girls, you guys are awesome :) wish I knew that earlier!!

Pull yourself together and get your ass out there !!!

So I was so used to sulking over every problem I have, last night was no different. Feeling empty and alone, I try to ignore the pain and just lay in bed and watch TV while I cry.

I decided to go out and get a drink...only to see everyone all dressed up to party. I completely forgot about the homecoming dance. I was so entrench in my shit that I forgot there is a lot of hot guys out there that I can freely gawk. They have been kind to me and invited me to join them. I had a lot of fun, we got all dress up and dance like there was no tomorrow.

We were happy, we didn't care what men think or to impress them. We just have fun the way we want to. It was awesome. Tons of cute guys were showing off their dance moves. Some were even shaking their bootay -- Oh Yeah *wink

Bump into a few of my friends, they were all glad I crawl out of the hole I call my room. One of them even suggest that I should just dance with a cute guy and forget about that douchbag. I had fun, I became a prick after I dated him, thinking everyone else suck. And he was the best thing next to grill cheese. I thought I had it all and didn't need anyone.

I finally realize I would not have had so much fun last night have he not left. Because I would still be friendless, lonely, hiding from the world, and sitting on my pedestal. Well a few more months and it's time for me to get a job like a grown up. I try to be positive and look at the good that would come out of it, After all, a lot of people made it :) those who didn't are the ones who didn't try.

I don't want to stay home forever, moving home is like going to college in a different country -- it's temporary, it's a different culture, I might not like it, but I'll have to suck it up and work towards my goal to migrate wherever that may be :)

Why?

Sometimes I wonder if knowing why he dump me would be enough to help me move on. Why he changed, how he changed, why he lied, why he became the person he is.

I don't know if there is enough answers for those questions. Why he had to leave me a day before thanksgiving, if I ever mattered to him at all... if our relationship ever existed.

I just want an answer. But every time I try to look for it, I get even more discourage and hurt. He had no desire to give me that, nor does he seem to care. That should have answered my questions but...I never stop asking why.

Would we ever be together again? was the whole relationship a joke? I don't know......

Drowning in Pain

I thought I moved past it, I thought it was time to get my life back. Well I've had 2 near-panic attacks for 2 days straight and yesterday was the worst. Even though I was no longer worried about moving home and finding a job or the angst of quarter life crisis, I missed him and was balling through out the day.

I hung out with friends but the pain was unbearable. I have great friends who were there for me, but it was too much. Starting a new chapter of my life that I did not anticipate and not having him in it was just killing me slowly. I was worried about him and wanted the best for him, yet he wouldn't even ask me if I wanted my stuff back.

I don't understand what I did to deserve that. I'm just getting tired of feeling this way and is ready to throw in the towel. I just want to disappear. The idea of picking myself up and just keep on walking until I past out and die seems appealing albeit unrealistic and dramatic.

I know I'll live but what is the point? I don't see the point beyond this anymore. You live another day to fight....for what? you wake up the next day to have things taken from you again...anticipating to go home and have people greet me by assessing my weight isn't something I look forward to.

I felt like I could take on the world with him by my side, now that he is gone, I don't know if there is a world that I can take back or a life to fight for. People say life is uncertain and feels like walking on water.My life right now feels like walking on pieces of ice floe... I see the steps, but I don't know which one would sink. I know I will fall through at some point....I just don't know when.

Give it all you got...and if that doesn't work, we'll go with plan B

So I've been stressing out about graduate schools recently. I hated the thought of having to go back to my crummy country with nothing to show for besides a piece of toilet paper ( aka my degree ). I always wanted to move to Canada but with such competitive market when it comes to graduate admissions, I doubt my less than stellar 2.89 GPA will get me far. Plus, I did not invest in kissing my undergrad professor's ass so I doubt I would get a glowing recommendation. I have little to no research experience...so that's out.  The only work experience I have in the field is my internship.

Top it off with increasing unemployment and the possibility to earn less than someone with a BA makes for a bright future. I needed a plan B just in case my life doesn't go the way I want it. I know I can still be happy with or without a degree. I love relating to people and lack of credentials is not going to stop me.

I would do it for free if I didn't needed food to survive or would end up owing a huge sum of money. So.. What's my awesome plan? Well, I will be applying to 5 graduate schools, no more no less. If things does not work out, I can become a nanny with a whooping BA in psych for 2 years in Canada through their live-in nanny program. Or I will be an air hostess working for airlines and flying around the world :D. Or, I could always work in tourism. Or apply for graduate school BUT in the field of linguistics and become a professional translator.

Before I want to be a doctor, I always wanted to study hotel management. I like meeting new people and watching them have a good time. It's weird, but it's something I've always like. With the last two options, I can work for 5 years and then apply to migrate to Canada as a skilled/professional worker :D.

Oprah never had a master's degree yet she is 10 times richer than most who do. She help more people than those in the helping profession and inspired even more. She turn her calling into a multimillion dollar business. My live is not limited by a piece of paper given by narcicistic people trying to come up with new things to research. I can live whenever I decide to. Or I can fail, because academe says so. When we want to fly, no one can hold our feet to the ground.

Random thoughts.

                                                                           
Can't stop smiling. I left campus for the first time on my own. I was always afraid of getting lost or being hit by a car. I was hit by a motorcycle when I was 16, after that I NEVER cross the street again.

Yeah, that's me. I have people hold my hand and help me be it my parents, friends, or sister. They have to say "GO! GO! GO!" or I'll be standing on the side walk waiting for all the cars to disappear. I cross so many streets today, it feels so good. It's not that scary :D. Not one single car try to run me over.

It's hilarious to other people but winning such battles takes a lot of courage. I ate at Mongolian BBQ and visited all the stores I could see. it was fun, I never knew I have such freedom...to go where I want and do what I want. I thought it was only possible once I have a car.

Well, I'm planning a trip to panda express and Safeway :) can't wait to see what's out there. I've never love my life more.

Single and happy

Woke up today feeling relief, it's as if I finally got my life back. I no longer have to worry about giving up my dream or the impending inheritance of so much financial problems that will bury  me alive. Yes I might have to stay home for a whole year...that's what I dread :S Chinese New Year and unpleasant relatives. But I will live.

Probably get a job while I wait or try to find an alternative place to take the GRE. I don't think I would be ready for it unless I've studied for 3 months. *UPDATE I may be able to take the GRE earlier as they do offer it multiple times a year :D.

I am so glad he left, I got so much of my life back. For the past 6 months, our relationship became a chore. We were talking to each other everyday because we had to not because we want to. We no longer watch movies, play games or hang out. We just whine, and whine and whine.

I'm hungry and I don't like the food I made last night :( it's gross ><. You know what? I'm gonna walk to the nearest restaurant and treat myself to my new freedom. Just because I don't have a car doesn't mean I can't enjoy life !

Surprisingly...it feels nice.

So, a lot of people will tell you that you should return the ring after a broken engagement. I offered to mail all the gifts he sent me back to him because I felt like it was the right thing to do. After all, I didn't want this to be a bitter seperation.

I believe it is the right thing to do in a typical break up. I was planning to have them return by Monday as a sign of ...well, being a nice person. After much thinking, I realize my actions were allowing him to get away with the things he need to be responsible for. You see, before all this mess broke out, I spend more than one grand on tickets to visit him. I had my whole trip plan out and he didn't have to lift a finger.

He didn't need to pay for my food and I agreed to share the bills with him. I let him get away with a lot of things in the relatiomship and he was never given the chance to learn from his actions. He never offer to pay me back nor did he try to communicate with me about it. I had to ask him to pay me, to which he replied "I don't know what to say".

I know he will never reimburse me, but sending the ring and necklace back to him, doesn't make sense. It's mine after all and he does owe me money. Since my mother have friends in the jewelry business, I'll sell it once I get home. As for the gloves and shirt, a homeless man will be bless with a shirt and a pair of fuzzy gloves. That way, everybody wins.

I wasn't doing it out of anger or hate or revenge. It just made sense to me financially. If you fail to pay your rent and I know you won't pay up, I'm going to sell your furniture. Maybe it's cultural but that's how it works back home. I'm more afraid of being seen as rotten than anythng else.  Probably shouldn't care since it's none of their business but...you know.

For the first day since he left, I didn't cry and wasn't sad. I was glad it was over. I couldn't see myself with a man who refuse to step up to the plate and make amends for the things he has done. It's ok to make mistakes, it's what you do about it that matters.

As for the friendship, I don't know if I can be friends with someone who lied to me for 6 months. But I'm sure as hell I can't be friends with someone who won't own up to their mistakes. He lost my respect the moment I realize he won't even try to compensate me.

One thing I learn is that I want a mate who can be responsible for the mistakes he made and is man enough to step up and say "I'll try my best to clean up my mess"

Tears of Gratitude

Today I woke up after 3 hours of sleep, I realize I was still tired but my body was reacting to my grieve. I just lay back down and sleep again instead of wallowing why I woke up after 3 hours. I didn't cry today, woke up and the 1st thing that came to mind was "what time is it?" instead of "was it a dream?"

It still hurts to be abandon but I'm able to move past "what ifs" and self pity, and grieve the lost. I did however cry in the shower, but not for him nor for me. I cried because I realize how much I missed out in life, and how ungrateful I was for all the good things in my life. I have so much yet I was unsatisfied, always comparing and assuming others have it better.

Looking at our relationship was like looking into a mirror. I saw myself in him, one of my friend gave me a dose of reality check. After I told him how my ex was an angry person, he responded with " you're both angry people". He was right, I didn't like the company of miserable people, I saw where they were heading and detest being around them because of their bitterness. Yet I fail to see what life was trying to teach me. Over and over again, I fail to learn the lesson of being thankful. I always wonder if there was anything I can do to make peace with my past. Not just with my ex, but with myself, with those who have wronged me, with those whom I've wronged.

I carried this huge luggage of bad memories and air it out every chance I get because I refuse to pretend I was happy. I didn't think it was possible to be truly happy, and those who appear to do so are faking it. Instead of wallowing in self-pity and finger pointing, some people chose to look at the bright side of life and be grateful.

Gratitude is a shade of happiness. It's a choice to make to be thankful, a choice and a goal I will try to reach everyday, one day at a time, to become the person I want to be.

Apologies

                                                                     

   
I didn't cry when I woke up today. I felt lonely, sad, and that I've lost something dear to me. I still don't eat much and can't sleep more than 3 hours without waking up feeling empty. But for the first time, I can imagine being with someone else someday. I was able to see that possibility and realize I want to get married someday.
 
I wrote to him, acknowledging my part in the fail relationship and thank him for the good moments and the things he did. And explained that we can't be friends because it's not what I need right now. I explain to him that I realize now that we were never meant to be. We were two miserable people trying to lean on each other to survive. We rely on someone else to make us happy, and that never works. I just wish he would have apologize, and he did.
 
He wrote me back, a few minutes before I wake up. How he is sorry and regret that it ended in so much pain. But I can tell, he was angry. Angry with me with his life, that I wasn't understanding his situation. That I don't see what he have to go through, and I can't see that he "had to" do what he had to, because he didn't have a choice. As he always says "it's not that I don't want to, I just can't" I heard this phrase so many times I could predict when he would say it.
 
I smelled the anger, the blame, the finger pointing. Not that I didn't do my fair share of that, but I realize...it was for me not for him. I needed that apology, no matter how crappy it is or insincere it seemed. He have to add that he didn't regret what he did and that I should not trust men who say they have no problems. With his ever condescending attitude and that I'm better than you and tougher than you thing. Well, I knew him, and I wish for once he could be honest with himself. Not for my sake but for his.
 
He hates apologizing and taking responsibility, always adds a but behind I'm sorry. I thought I would blow a gasket or be upset...but I'm not. Somehow I just feel at peace, his respond no longer determine how I feel. It was no longer about making him happy. For the first time in 14 months, it was about making me happy.
 
I dreamed about meeting another guy, someone who would appreciate me for me. But most of all, that I find happiness before we find each other. Understand and know what it means to love myself and be there for myself. I know he is out there, but I'm not ready for him. Not for another 2 years.If it took 14 months to come to where we are, I think I need twice amount of the time to let myself learn, and find "me" somewhere among the rubble.

I didn't know I was going to come out of this relationship with a new perspective of life and realization. I didn't know I was missing out on life because I chose to wait on happiness and whine. I didn't realize how much I blame everyone else for my unhappiness. How I fail to realize because of that, I attracted a lot of miserable people just like me.

I'm going to miss him, and this void that he left in my heart won't go away over night or anytime soon. I just need to go on an adventure with myself and life and find what makes me happy and do it. Life is too short to wallow in pain and blame other people for my misfortunes. Yes I was handed a lemon while some were handed grapes, but it's not an excuse for me to give up and stop trying to provide myself with sweet grapes that I always see other people enjoyed.

When the smoke clears, I wasn't happy

                         

I'm in this surreal place right now. Hurt but glad, it's confusing. It's one of those female moments where you just don't know what you want or what you feel. I am beginning to realize I wasn't happy in the relationship.

I knew he could never be the men I want him to be but I was scared. I was operating out of a place of fear. I was afraid that I would never find someone better than him. I was afraid I would never find a closer friend, someone who would understand me and share their life with me. And I was scared that I would have to go home to my 3rd world country that is politically unstable. I didn't felt confident that I could make it in life on my own.

Growing up being emotionally abuse, I was always told that I was nothing and I would not amount to anything. I thought I needed him because of his citizenship. I was scared, I never wanted to use him and I would leave if I didn't love him. But I wasn't looking for a lover, I was looking for a life jacket. I was drowning in my self created stress, perceived threats about the future, and fear that I would never feel as good as I once did when I first met him.

I always told him that we would be the best of friends. We knew each other, more than I've ever come to know someone. The relationship felt like it was slowly suffocating me, and I guess he felt the same. Right after I try to break off our engagement, he told me that we should break up because I'll never be happy in the relationship because he could never give up his house. He couldn't or he wouldn't?

He always love to make excuses and tell me he "can't" do something, I just wish I would have ask him if it's because he "won't" or he doesn't know how. I guess I was afraid of the truth. All the time, my believe was that I could never live without him and I'm done with relationships and this have to work.

The idea of the relationship falling apart was impossible, because of that believe I was unwilling to see the signs that he was not ready for a relationship. He loves the idea of falling in love and not having to lift a finger. He wants to receive but refuse to give. I was a mule toiling for his emotional needs and carrying the ever impending fear of loosing him.

He knew he had me when he realize I would never dump him because I was too afraid. He would blame me and try to break up with me because of something he never told me -- things that I did that bothered him. After that, I was a slave under his dictatorship, always fearing that he would dump me if he wasn't happy.

Instead of taking care of me, and making sure I was happy, I was serving him. I think he was trying to tell me that all along and didn't know how. He was dealing with his problems and instead of facing it, he turn me into one of them.

I think deep down, he tried really hard to do his best. He just didn't have the tools and emotional resources. He did what he knew and what he learn. I'm not excusing him for what he did, but I'm beginning to understand why. And I'm realizing now that I have to take the high road because he will never pay me back for the tickets or sent my stuff back to me.

I've seen his true colors and know that he will never ever own up to his shit or be man enough to admit them. He chose to run away like a little boy. When life gets tough, I have to tell him everything was going to be okay. I always wanted a mate who would hold me and assure me that life will be okay and that he'll be there for me. Instead I find myself holding down the fort while he pee his pants. I've done enough of of those reassuring roles in my life that I often wonder if someone would come along and do that for me. Maybe I never gave them a chance to do that, I don't know

Missing the routine more than you

                                                                     

Woke up today and felt I've lost a limb. We were so accustom to a routine, it felt weird when the hour arrives and things have change. I realize you belong to the gutter and not in my heart. If old routines remind me of you and brings me pain, I just need to make a new one.

I try to focus on the good things, like birthdays, loosing weight, getting good grades, people coming back to school after the break. Sometimes those things are as small as making dinner, or watching TV. I felt a huge burden lifted off my shoulders without you in my life, it feels odd. I didn't have to be married with all your problems, I didn't have to be your babysitter because you can't and won't pull your shit together.

I no longer have to sit idly at 11.00am and wait for you on skype. Didn't have to sent you emails to make sure you feel okay and you're not secretly hating me. When we first started dating, I admire your honesty, I thought you were the most honest person I've ever met. I was wrong, you kept me out of a good part of your life, I felt left out and disconnected. But that's just the way you are.

I cried in the shower, it was hard not to think of all the hurtful things you've done to me and finding out that you're an ass a little too late. I have to pick myself up and make conscious choices. I turn on "Irreplaceable" and played it on a loop and dance in the shower, focusing on the good that can come from living life without you.

Little things like being able to have a different wedding ring, the potential and ability to get an "upgraded" version of boyfriend 2.0 with the non-asshat app included. Achieve my goals academically and excel at it, dream about making cheese cake and sharing it with someone I love someday (he hates cheesecake). Spend the time and effort I use to shower on you towards my family and friends. Plan trips that I want without thinking about your financial capability. the best one, I think, is being able to go to any graduate school I want in any part of the world, without having to put your location and financial means to the equation.

Some of those things are small, but is little hooks and handles (if you will like the fake rocks they have when you go rock climbing) for me to hang on while you push me off the cliff. I'm already seeing the top, I can see the glimmer of sunshine at the end of the tunnel, and I know I'm getting closer each day.

I never got a chance the wear the dress I bought for our first date, guess I'll have to bless another guy seeing it on me. I still somehow wish you would apologize, or at least offer to make amends, but seeing you fail to do that gave me the courage to say it's over, I'm never going back to that craphole you call a relationship. And the stuff that I left at your place, I'll count it as a lost. You can keep it as a reminder of what you miss out.

Well, it's time for me to do homework, got a nice schedule of relaxing ahead of me. Homework, tv, work out, doing things that made me smile. It's no longer "I'll get over you and move on", it's "I'm getting over you, and I am moving on"

Being compare to an inanimate object and being telepathic?!

Writing have been helping me cope with all the crap he threw at me. Heck, I've been spamming my facebook status like no tomorrow. Whatever it takes to get better right? Anyways, a house -- an inanimate object that provides shelter. One would never thought to be compare to it... at least I didn't

When we first got engage I try to broke it off when I saw the signs that he was more into winning his house in a lawsuit against his distant relative than our future. I told him to get his shit together or this is over. Needless to say, I didn't think I had a life without him, so I went back to him.

I feel like a fool just thinking about it. But I understand the mechanics that led to my staying. I was lonely and didn't think I would meet anyone better. He was literally all I had as there was a rift between me and my family and friends was few and far between.

He decided to work on a fishing boat in Norway or Copenhagen to earn enough Euros to fix his house. Thus the basis and reason for a break up. He chose his house, that he could have sold and bought a new one. He chose to go in and out of courtrooms and sinking tens and thousands of dollars on lawyers for it. But was unwilling to do anything for me.

He told me the house was family because he inherited it. Told him it's a broken down old house, not worth the stress or pain. Life isn't about fighting and being right, it's about living. He never gets it, every time I bring it up, it was "you're not nice to me" "you are not being understanding and supportive".

He was willing to give up everything he knew and move to to a new country with an unfamiliar job to save it...yet when it comes to me, it was "oh ask your dad". Do I feel horrible? No. Hurt? Yes. But most of all I feel sad for him. Working so hard all his life, just to earn enough to hire a lawyer to try and get the house. His mum did the same thing, She is now jobless, with no savings, helpless in her situation, angry at the world. And wants her house...which is now falling apart bit by bit.

Decades of pain, frustration and let downs. I don't know how anyone does it. And yet here I am, with "flaws" because I don't agree with him, talks, and is actually a living breathing person

I don't know if his mum is to blame for his twisted sense of reality, but I believe everyone have a choice. And he made the choice to hug his house till the day he die and make sure I know that I was nothing compare to the house and I was worth shit to him.

He cheated on me and it was okay to feel betrayed. He didn't turn his back on me for another women, he just did it for an inanimate object or more precisely as he puts it 1,000,000$. My heart is worth more than that, to think I was considering giving up my dream to be a doctor for him. I'm glad he left, I didn't need someone like that in my life. I was willing to give up anything for him, yet I was nothing but a companion to hear him out when his 1st love stresses him out.

Friends is more than just friends, they provide a buffer for us, a buffer that prevents us from being vulnerable to people like him. If I knew I had friends and there was a life after him, I would have send him packing the day I saw the signs.

I need to evict you sir, you have fail to pay your rent for the last 14 months.

   So for the last 2 days, I've been crying my eyeballs out to a point where I can't see. Sleeping for 3 hours or less because I would just wake up and cry some more, hardly eating, and all alone. I loved him, but he didn't loved me. He loved the fact that I was there to listen and never judge him...he loved my companionship but nothing else.

   I was nothing but another person who is emotionally available for him when he is not there for me. It came to a point where he was pointing out my "flaws" to me so that I may change to better serve him. He felt like as long as he was honest, he was entitle to say whatever he want.

  I was in so much pain that I just want it to go. The romance,,,surprisingly was not that hard to let go. Maybe because we spend most of our time apart. But the friendship was a hard blow. For the past 4 years, I have little to no friends in this school, isolated by horrible public transportation. I was left vulnerable to any shred of kindness and care. We share different world views, grew up in a different culture, come from a different socio-economic background. You couldn't find 2 people who were more different.

   He is passive, I'm aggressive. I believe if you want something you should work for it. He believe that the world owe him everything and they should pay up. He believe that everyone living in 1st world countries are rich, and they have everything. I believe, it's what you make of a place that makes a difference. He thinks money solve all problems. I think money solve most problems, but can't buy the most precious thing in life -- people.

   The only thing that made me feel close to him was our common interest and the things we love, and our similar sense of crude humor. But when I start deconstructing this avalanche of hurt, I realize I have friends who share such things with me, same sense of humor, loves the movies I love. I thought being pen pals with him would be a good compromise as I needed the relationship to function. But I soon realize I could never get that friendship back.

   All he wanted was to use me for his emotional benefits. I was nothing but an emotional whore to him. A good one at that. I was treated like nothing, it's as if I was at work...where he is one of the people I work for...just sit there and listen and love on them. But those people, loved me back, even though they have nothing physical to offer. They encourage me and showed me life isn't that bad even though they have every reason to complaint. Yeah, people I work for treat me better than him...

I no longer want things to go back the way it was, I finally realize it was never meant to be. He was a bitter and angry person. He didn't have a goal and didn't know what he wanted. I should have seen the signs when I met his friends and parents. They were both miserable and bitter. It's as if life have taken their happiness hostage and the price was to be angry.

I was an angry person, but life is too short to be yelling, screaming, hating, at the intersection because someone decided to park a car there. You can scream all you want, because it ain't moving, or you can just take the high road and go around it to get to your destination.

I'm still sad and hurt, but no longer about the same thing. I wasn't crying for the lost of the relationship or friendship. But I'm crying because of the way he treated me, how he failed my expectations, and broken every promise he made to me...even the one that he would spend the rest of his life with me.

He was too rotten for me and I was too good for him. He had to go and I cannot be penpals with him. He tried to put me down as early as our first correspondence...it takes a rotten person to do that. It really does.And he never apologize for what he did. He simply barf his problems on electronic text and hand it to me as if I'm suppose to sort through it to make his life better for him. He said I was a good person, even though I have a few flaws. As if I was an object to be fix, poke at, and labeled "Flawed", "Defect", "Rejected".

Well, I like my friends who are human and have hearts and frankly I can't stand wasting my life away on someone who lost his heart along the way because he threw it away and blame life stole it.  I miss the encouragement and comfort he gave me, I didn't get any of that and I know I will never will. Every time I fall, I hope he would catch me with his arms...but I have more than 20 pairs of arms catching me right now as I fall through the grave that he dug for our relationship. I don't need you anymore, and you need to get out my life.

A broken engagement, a different type of hurt...

    It hurts to think that all my dreams, hopes, and future plans were shattered within a few hours. How can I be okay with that? It felt like a hole open up under me and swallowed everything I've hope for and built for.

   He walk out on me and betrayed me. He was my best friend who gave me hope and told me that not all men are bad. Well, he was just another one of them. He even have the guts to tell me I'll survive and live through it....wow.

   You would think out of everyone he would understand what it feels like to have a broken engagement. But it didn't phase him. He didn't even want to look at me when I ask him why. He didn't apologize, he didn't offer me anything but his friendship...that was an insult I wasn't gonna take.

   Not after everything he did and how I forgave him and loved him for who he is. He turned his back on me say goodbye because life was "tough" and he was too much of a pussy to stay around. He wanted all the goodies and emotional goodness he can get out of being "friends" but he made a point that he will "leave" when there is a problem so he can "fix it".

    I don't think I can be friends with someone like that. How could anyone? It's like telling someone you will stab them in their sleep and expect them to give you their house keys. Every moment I spend awake, I couldn't do anything but cry and wonder what I did wrong, and what I did to deserve this. I gave him my heart and he broke it. He let me down every time I needed him. All I want was to spend Christmas with him but that was too much to ask for.

   When I needed him to help me, he always have an excuse whether it's his mother, his house, or his underpants was on fire. I always have to catch myself or break the fall because he was never there. Many people think a broken engagement is for the best, I can't say it wasn't but trust me, you will not understand how much pain, broken dreams, hopes, and crap I feel until you've had the rug pull out under you and watch someone walk out and tell you they are doing it "for your own good" so you don't have to "suffer".

     It hurts so bad, I don't know if I'll ever feel better. Being dump while everyone else is off for thanksgiving break....I thought I was gonna spend my holiday hanging out with him....I couldn't help but think if only I was this or that maybe this wouldn't have happen. I never loved anyone as much as I loved him. I never felt like I know any human being as much as I know him.

     It's as if my life was taken from me, I wish I never met him. I wish I would have told him to fuck off after he screwed up. He caused me so much pain yet I was willing to forgive him, and this is what I get in return? How could the best thing in your life turn into the worst? How could someone do that? I thought I was the luckiest person alive, now I think I'm the dumbest, most worthless human being on earth.

  I want my life back...the 14 months of time, effort, money, and love I showered on a swine. How could someone you love so much betray you like this?

No longer engage to a Serial Engager, yay?!

      So after a fit of tears and listening to my boyfriend bullshit for a few hours, he decided to dump me because he wants to be a fisherman in Copenhagen or Norway, without me. The problem itself is very complicated and I don't think I understand it fully either.

    I thought he was the best thing in my life and I've always waited for him to provide me with some sort of security. I thought I felt emotionally secure with him, I realize now I never was. He wasn't a bad person if you don't count his reckless behavior and selfish mindset.

    I care about him and wanted to share a life with him and I thought that was what he wanted. Only to be told that he'd like me as a friend but not as a girlfriend. Imagine my surprise. I usually have a pity party with myself after a break up and feel horrible. This time it was different.

     At first I was crushed beyond my imagination, I was so hurt that I called my parents at 3am. To my surprise they talked to me for hours and assure me that I will have a future without him and he's stupid and doesn't deserve me. I was good enough, it was him who wasn't good enough for me. I was willing to live a life without luxury with him but instead he gave me shit.

     I felt cheated, used, and hurt. But my parents reminded me what I always wanted a men. Someone who can take care of me and make me feel safe. Though my dad is not perfect, he did his best to provide me that, and I admire that. It wasn't easy, but he always stuck it out because he care.
 
     I'm glad I had something to fall back to and know that if anything bad happens I can always run home and hide. After talking to my parents, I realize I've always wanted to dump him and have always have an issue with the way he treats money. I was surprise how much I thought he was a money gobbler. On top of that, I realize I have friends. Not a lot bur I do, and they are good people.

   When life is tough, we need people to point out the good to us so that we might hang in there for another day and hope that the sun will shine again. I'm broken up over the break up but I didn't regret it. It had to come at some point when your boyfriend made a point to tell you that you are nothing but an addition in his life and he can afford to loose you any moment. Shit happens everyday, life is about solving one problem after another, love is about sticking together through those problems. Sadly, he couldn't understand that. He make sure I know, that if something happen, he will leave me behind and run off to "solve it"

   He offer me his friendship out of pity or some sense of superiority, I'm glad I told him to shove it. I don't need a friend who turn on his word and make a point to let me know I'm not worth shit to him. I can say loud and proud today without shame or fear, I deserve someone better than him. I think everyone deserves someone who won't walk out on them when life is tough.

   My dad says I should keep the ring or chuck it, to that I say -- sent it back to him so he can choke on it --the very same words he said to his ex-fiance. I should have seen the signs.