I didn't cry when I woke up today. I felt lonely, sad, and that I've lost something dear to me. I still don't eat much and can't sleep more than 3 hours without waking up feeling empty. But for the first time, I can imagine being with someone else someday. I was able to see that possibility and realize I want to get married someday.
I wrote to him, acknowledging my part in the fail relationship and thank him for the good moments and the things he did. And explained that we can't be friends because it's not what I need right now. I explain to him that I realize now that we were never meant to be. We were two miserable people trying to lean on each other to survive. We rely on someone else to make us happy, and that never works. I just wish he would have apologize, and he did.
He wrote me back, a few minutes before I wake up. How he is sorry and regret that it ended in so much pain. But I can tell, he was angry. Angry with me with his life, that I wasn't understanding his situation. That I don't see what he have to go through, and I can't see that he "had to" do what he had to, because he didn't have a choice. As he always says "it's not that I don't want to, I just can't" I heard this phrase so many times I could predict when he would say it.
I smelled the anger, the blame, the finger pointing. Not that I didn't do my fair share of that, but I realize...it was for me not for him. I needed that apology, no matter how crappy it is or insincere it seemed. He have to add that he didn't regret what he did and that I should not trust men who say they have no problems. With his ever condescending attitude and that I'm better than you and tougher than you thing. Well, I knew him, and I wish for once he could be honest with himself. Not for my sake but for his.
He hates apologizing and taking responsibility, always adds a but behind I'm sorry. I thought I would blow a gasket or be upset...but I'm not. Somehow I just feel at peace, his respond no longer determine how I feel. It was no longer about making him happy. For the first time in 14 months, it was about making me happy.
I dreamed about meeting another guy, someone who would appreciate me for me. But most of all, that I find happiness before we find each other. Understand and know what it means to love myself and be there for myself. I know he is out there, but I'm not ready for him. Not for another 2 years.If it took 14 months to come to where we are, I think I need twice amount of the time to let myself learn, and find "me" somewhere among the rubble.
I didn't know I was going to come out of this relationship with a new perspective of life and realization. I didn't know I was missing out on life because I chose to wait on happiness and whine. I didn't realize how much I blame everyone else for my unhappiness. How I fail to realize because of that, I attracted a lot of miserable people just like me.
I'm going to miss him, and this void that he left in my heart won't go away over night or anytime soon. I just need to go on an adventure with myself and life and find what makes me happy and do it. Life is too short to wallow in pain and blame other people for my misfortunes. Yes I was handed a lemon while some were handed grapes, but it's not an excuse for me to give up and stop trying to provide myself with sweet grapes that I always see other people enjoyed.
No comments:
Post a Comment