Let's call the Po Po!

I have a very dark sense of humour. That's how I deal with things. Life sucks, there's always some crap happening and sometimes all you can do is laugh it off. So today I woke up with severe vertigo and have no mood to engage in any banter around the house.

Like a normal human being I decided to do my dishes after cooking. Lo and behold, my creepy ass housemate is making his food. We've had our fare share of issues, from him not understanding social constructs like staying out of other people's conversations to not cleaning after himself (e. g. not flushing), and lying about cleaning after himself. He's been a pain in the ass. There have been past incidents where he almost had a fist landed on his face (not my fist, another housemate's fist) and I have to be the adult to break up the fight.

The way we survive after all of that unpleasantness is using my landlord as a go-between because lord knows my creepy housemate cannot take any criticism. His response to any request (e. g. please flush after you take a shit) can be sum up in three phases. Phase one, denial --  I didn't do it, Phase two, offer up a solution to a problem he created -- maybe we need to put a sign to remind people to flush. Phase three, accuse anyone who dare to confront him of bullying -- why are you bullying me?

I have no interest to even respond to an idiot who can't flush so I generally ignore his existence. But for some reason, this mouth breather is so desperate for attention that any time I am within ear shot, he has to passive aggressively "show me" how upset he is like a toddler by slamming things or throwing cutlery, I could only assume he struggle with words.

So while I was doing my dishes, like usual he was having trouble with his words again and figure throwing a pair of scissors at my direction is a good way to get some attention. Well, this is the second time this has happen. I am tired of putting up with such behaviour so I told him calmly that he might want to work on his aiming if he plans to throw something at me.

I think I made his day by responding to him because he was so excited he literally stuttered every single one of the insults he had prepared for me. Mostly consist of juvenile attempts to undermine the way I look (e.. g. look at your face --- yeah hun I look at it everyday? So? Is that suppose to be an insult?), other times it consist of random vulgar words that were string together (e. g. fuck, bitch). If you want to insult me, be a little bit more creative especially if you are going to stutter. The best you can do is ask me to look at myself as if I have no idea what I look like and assume that is an insult? How about lobotomize bitchass? or something creative like, you look like you eat unicorn shit?

Anyhow, at that point, I decided not to give anymore attention to a clearly lonely, desperate, angry little man by singing opera every time he manage to stutter a half ass insult. So he decided to get in my face and yell at me to shut up and try to swing a pot at my face. I slap him across the face as hard as I can the minute he decides to get in my face (sticking his face less than an inch away from my face). Asshole, if you are going to get in my face expecting me to feel scared or worst kiss you (if he really thought that he's more delusional than I thought), I don't know what to say,

If you get into other people's face and threaten them physically, be prepared for people to defend themselves. He basically decided to try to swing a pot at me (with horrible aim) and I walk away and said I am going to call the police because, fuck, I get ugly arguments, but the moment a 6 ft tall men decided to use his hands instead of words to express himself and threaten me, that's the line. He decided to chase me down the hall way, force himself into my room and refuse to leave by sticking his feet in between my door and screaming.

At that point I was afraid for my life and I scream as loud as I can. I am realizing it's impossible to make this funny. Anyway, after screaming for a good two minutes with him not willing to give up, I ran for my phone and he decided to get into my room and try to wrestle the phone out of my hand. Luckily, everyone in the house is watching in horror at this point at what he is doing. I scream at him and smack him as hard as I can to get him out of my room, he still refuse by holding onto my room door. I slam it on his hand as hard as I can and lock my door and proceed to call the police.

It's not funny then and it still isn't now. Men always say things like, well he didn't hit you, or you smack him first. Sure I did, imagine being my size and a women and a men yelling at you holding on a pot gesturing to smack you with it while his face is less than an inch away from yours. He might as well be brandishing a knife. Yeah he didn't hit me, but he certainly was threatening to. He was standing between me and the hall way back to my room. If i could walk away without slapping him, I would, but he was in the way and clearly ready to hurt me and show me how "powerful" he is physically as a men and probably enjoying the fact that he can instil fear in women that way.

The police came, was nice, dealt with him, because no one witness him threatening me physically (everyone only witness him breaking into my room and forcing himself in my room), they can't do anything. But the officer was more than happy to give that loser an earful and how he'll come back with a pair of special handcuffs just for him if he thinks it's acceptable to break into other people's property. He was so quiet and lurking around when I talk to the police, it's interesting to watch how quickly he went from "fearless" to fearful.

Even after I lock my door, he apparently attempted to open my door and break in. This is the kind of freak I live with. And luckily this piece of lobotomise carrot is being ask to leave the property which is amazing, In the mean time, I have to barricade myself in my room and is not allowed to wander into my kitchen or bathroom without supervision and I have every intention to not get murdered.


Honey, this is how you insult someone you piece of lobotomized human trash that your mother should have swallowed. Next time you go to work at Dominos, try slamming your own head in the oven just to see if you actually feel anything, because I bet if I shine a flashlight in your ear your eyes would lit up. If you want to be an asshole, at least learn how to be creative when insulting other people. When you look like Frankenstein had a massive car accident with his jaw ram back together, it severely undermine your ability to insult someone else's looks considering Frankenstein get laid more than you.. So either learn to be creative, get plastic surgery, or quit being an asshole and grow a pair.

Air Horn Drama: There's a bridge, get over it!

So I have been living with Jabba the Hut's long lost sister for a while now. She's like the big man himself, big, loud, and barely able to string two words together. To put it generously, she's been a pain in the ass for everyone.

I put up with her pathetic attention seeking existence most of the time, but today, I was tired of listening to Arabic conversations at 7.30am.  So I went all Guantanamo on her ass and reminded her that she lives in a house with other people. Most Wednesday is male prostitution day for her where she hire a male prostitute to do the nasty in her room with her. But for some reason he came early (pun totally intended) and showed up last night...

I just took a deep breathe, turn on my fan and ignore her the best I can. Because even though I pay rent, I do not deserve the same amount of entitlement as she does. If you let my landlord explain it to you, it'll probably go something like "well what do you want me to do? She's leaving in two weeks". Yeah, she's leaving in two weeks because you did nothing about her for the last three months when we were all complaining?

Anyhow, I ended up screaming obscenities at her, smashing her cup, and having to play a soundtrack of a poor little piggy being slaughtered as loud as possible to get her dense wobbly head to understand. I don't like arguing over doors, it's just something pussy's do. There's no other way to put it. The whole time she just hides in her room repeating the only two English words she could pronounce and understood "ferk off".

I hate listening to pigs being slaughtered and it's tiring to have to click the repeat button. An air horn would take less effort and produce better results -- like potentially giving her a heart attack and having one less unproductive alien (was about to use the word "human being" but realize that would never fit) taking up extra oxygen.

Went and got one, and someone had an issue with it. Because it could potentially cause trouble for them because now I have the power to annoy just about anyone. So this person, instead of saying anything to me, or really focusing on actual facts and things that are actually happening are more concern about hypothetical future and the potentially evil power I now possess.

So gave my landlord an ear full (well more like eye full, we text) and got a replacement air horn. So I am suppose to not buy an air horn because someone have screwed up priorities and couldn't tell the difference between what is happening now and what is happening in their head.

Sorry mate, if you're that confuse, might want to talk to a psychiatrist. Used the air horn and it work like magic, Jabba stopped... like stopped her stupid middle eastern tv shows. No drama, no incomprehensible speech, no "ferk off", of course all of this done while she hides her slimy fat caterpillar body in her room like the human refuse that she is.

So no whoever you are. I am sorry you have a warp sense of reality and may need mental help. I am keeping the air horn and am dealing in the here and now not what your nightmares are made of. If you have a noise complain to make, do make it. Otherwise, normal people tend to deal with things that ARE happening not what COULD happen.

You Can Never Outsmart the Future

A few years ago I met a gentleman that I thought would be the love of my life and we would carve a path for ourselves in this ever changing and scary world. But he had a different idea, he wanted to do it without me, because he felt I was a burden to him. So he came up with all sorts of lies and broke my heart. In that moment of brokenness I realize I had no control over other people's actions, great or awful. So I let him go.

It felt unfair, that he would do such a thing to me and could move on with his life to a better place and find greener pastures. Yet here I am having to endure his lies and excuses. But I had to make my own path without him. I can't be angry forever and expect the world to be fair. Just because I choose to live my life with integrity doesn't mean other people will do the same.

A wise women once told me that consequences always catches up with everyone. Sometimes, it just takes a little time. So today, Brexit is for real. It's been decided that England will leave the EU. Consequences finally caught up with him. Looking back, it's true that everything happens for a reason. If he never broke my heart and we were still together today, I would most likely be working in England and be force to go back to Poland after today's decision. Not being able to speak polish, I'd probably be stuck in a miserable place.

I'd never thought after 3 years England would leave EU or that the majority of people would vote for it. Yet here we are. The future is a very unpredictable place. The only thing you can do is live each day with integrity so that no matter what happens in the future when you look back, you know you made the right decision.To put in context, the last time when England call for such a vote was 40 years ago. No one could have foresee this considering how close the votes come to. But I guess we all reap what we sow. Every action has a consequence, could be 3 years from now, and it could be 16 years from now. You can't outrun the ill will you sow.

So yes, he left me to move to Welshpool to work, I was angry that he gets to enjoy life but I guess that's short lived now. An important lesson to glean from this, karma is a real bitch, never screw people over thinking you can outsmart the future.

Abusive monster's non-apology

So she reached out to me and this is a second apology she sent me after I told her I have to respectfully decline her first apology because she was making excuses for her actions.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  我在6月20日才看见你的邮件，所以没能在你要求期限前回邮，确实抱歉。我是诚心因为伤了你心灵而道歉。但你是不是也能听听一个老师的心声？

(I could not respond within the stipulated time as requested by you as I only receive your correspondence on 20/6/16. However, I am sincere in my apology and am sorry for hurting your feelings, but don't you think you should hear me out too?) 

No, I do not have to hear you out. When you were slapping me across the face, humiliating me in front of the whole class, did you ever try to hear me out why I didn't do my homework? Imagine a bank robber trying to apologize for hurting someone while robbing a bank by saying: I am truly sorry for my actions, but I think the victim ought to hear me out too. How sincere do you think he/she would come across?

       当年当老师时年龄与你现在相仿吧，每个老师都有压力，学生没做功课，考不及格，我们会面对舆论，也会受到社会批责及家长们的比较，说哪个哪个老师不负责 任，学生没做功课也不处理，外界也会比较哪个班级成绩比较好比较听话，纪律较好，再加上规定时间内必须完成各科课程，所以不容有耽误，所以有事情耽搁比如 学生没做功课没带书本等，老师都会犯急，所以老师会严格要求学生做到最好。有时难免会打骂，有时骂急了自己也会在班上流泪，因为不能把班上学生教好。我心 理压力也大，常常晚上失眠，再不然就梦到自己管不好学生而哭醒。

(During those years I was about the same age as you right now and a young teacher, it was a really stressful job as I have to meet the expectations of the school and parents and fear judgment made by parents or my coworkers regarding my teaching ability. Expectations set by the school were high and I was expected to produce students who are successful and meet teaching goals within a specified time frame. Therefore, we pressure our students to do their best. And because of this, there are times we may hit students and scold them (打骂). However, sometimes after I scold my students I would feel terrible and cry because I feel terrible that I could not teach my students properly. I had a lot of pressure and often have difficulty sleeping at night and would dream of my failure as a teacher and wake up crying)

 If your explanation is longer than your apology, it is a good rule of thumb that you are more interested in justifying your actions than apologize. So what you are saying is, because you were young and incompetent and could not manage your stress well, instead of seeking emotional support, upskilling yourself in classroom behavioral management, you decide to take it out on a class of innocent 11 year olds? Imagine if a rapist said: I rape someone because I was drunk and had to deal with a lot of stress in my life, I could not sleep and would often struggle emotionally. How do you think that would go? You are putting blame on your stress instead of admitting the fact that you, an adult made a poor decision to use excessive violence against a child on multiple occasions. Claiming that stress made you do it is a stupid defense and a poor excuse for your behavior. Other adults and I myself have experience tremendous amount of stress but somehow we manage not to abuse any children, that must be a miracle. You can't sleep, you have nightmares, well that's how you made me feel for years.

或许你觉得是在糊弄你，可是这是千真万确的。其实老师处罚学生后心里很难受，很煎熬 的。。。所以这件事也日夜侵蚀我的心。。。也会内疚。或许你不能感受到老师的心情，也许有一天你当上马来西亚华小老师，你能身同感受。面对五十多个学生， 有各种性格，调皮捣蛋懒惰，偶尔面对偷窃的同学，实属头痛。同时又要赶课程，因此对学生就少了耐心，加上上头教部施压，面对压力不是一般。所以当年对你真 的缺乏耐心，实在抱歉! 

(Maybe you think I am pulling your leg, but I am sincere. Actually, I feel horrible and often think about this incident. Maybe you cannot understand how I feel, but maybe someday when you become a teacher in a malaysian chinese school you will understand the pressure I face to deal with 50 plus students with different personalities and the difficulty I face in dealing with these students. On top of that I have to make sure my class plans were on track, therefore, I lack patience with students, plus the pressure by the school, it is not the regular type of stress. Therefore, I lack patience during our time together and I am truly sorry.)

So you are apologizing for lacking patience? Is that the issue here? No. The issue here is you as an adult, being entrusted with the welfare of 50 plus students MADE A DECISION to take out her frustration in the form of INFLICTING VIOLENCE onto her pupils, instead of seeking emotional support for herself. If you want to apologize, apologize for your actions. Again if a bank robber says : I am truly sorry for robbing  your bank with a deadly weapon and I do feel horrible for what I did. But maybe someday you'll understand the amount of financial pressure I face having to feed my family with no income. Maybe someday you'll be unemployed then you can truly understand the pressure I have to deal with. I am sorry for lacking self control. 

但容我解释，你知道吗？当时压力大情绪波动大，心里多么焦急，怎么学生都不合作，不听教导呢？学生能学会吗？课程能赶完吗？考试能及格吗？希望教学能顺利 进行，所以有不做功课不带书的同学，老师会很急，很无助感。所以当时会把急躁无助的心情施加在你身上，真的抱歉。

(But please let me explain. Do you know during those times there was a lot of pressure, a lot of anxiety, yet students were uncooperative. Would the students learn the material?  Can I cover all the course material? I was hoping to be able to conduct classes smoothly, therefore, when students do not bring their books or complete their homework it causes a huge amount of anxiety in me and I feel helpless, that's why I deflected my anxiety and fear on to you and I am truly sorry.)

At this point of the non-apology apology, I think you are confuse why you're apologizing. You apologize for having a lot of pressure and deflecting that on me. I am sure that is a contributing factor to your ACTIONS that caused HARM to me. But it does not appear you are apologizing for the beatings, humiliation, and admit that what you did was excessive violence and consider abuse. Again imagine a robber apologizing after robbing someone with a deadly weapon: Please let me explain, my kids were hungry and I was desperate. I had a lot of pressure to provide for my family. I felt helpless and scared and I took it out on my victims. I wonder what his/her answer would be if ask -- Why didn't you seek financial support from friends, family, or the welfare department?.

但我也希望你能体谅一个做老师的心情感 受，其实出发点是为了学生好，方式偏差却造成彼此的伤害，这个不是我所想要的。处罚方式过激，这是我的错，但我要告诉你，我是真的为了让你有改变，不再懒 惰随便做功课，才打骂的。可是我却忽略了你的感受，你是否能接受这样的处罚，这是我的错。但这一切都是为了纠正不做功课的习惯，你知道吗，看到学生没好好 学习，心里是多么难过多么紧张啊？心里觉得很挫败，熬夜备课，批改作业，认真教学却换来学生的毫不在乎，心是多么痛啊！其实我多次在班上流泪难过伤心，当 时幼小的你可能并不在乎吧，也不能了解老师的心情吧！

(I hope you can accept my apology, as my intentions were pure but used the wrong method therefore causing harm. This is not what I wanted to do, my punishments of students were excessive, that is my fault, BUT I have to tell you, I did it because I wanted you to change for the better, no longer lazy and study hard, that's why I physically abuse you and scold you (打骂).But I should have consider your feelings, can you accept this apology? as it is my fault. BUT it's all to combat the habit of not completing homework. Do you know, when you realize students are not learning right, how awful it feels? and how anxiety inducing it must be? In my heart I have to stay up late to grade papers, try my best to teach, but then students refuse to learn properly, how painful it must have been for me. Actually I cried in class multiple times due to uncontrolled sadness, you may be too young to care back then and couldn't even understand how I feel.)

This takes a non-apology to a whole new level. This is offensive to even translate. So you expect an 11 year old child to support you emotionally and they should be empathizing you and your circumstances. YOU should teach empathy as a teacher and get emotional support by way of therapy. Children are NOT responsible for your mental health, you are. To even imply that a child should consider your feelings, when you terrorize them and abuse them puts a whole new meaning on the word "ridiculous"? Did you consider their feelings and you hit those children? Did you consider their safety? If you have to use "but" after every apology, it's an excuse. Here's an example: I am sorry I rob you, but you have to know how hard it is being unemployed.

          不管怎样，我还是要再说声抱歉，希望能淡化你所承受的阴影。但也希望你站在老师的立场，体谅老师是为了教好学生，担心学生的学习而责罚你。对不起，我本是 善意的出发点，尽心尽力教学却成了你的伤害。但请相信我，没有老师喜欢打骂学生，我们都渴望与学生打成一片，欢乐上课，课业顺利完成。但常常事与愿违，会 出现很多无法控制的因素，打乱了理想中的教学，造成许多不好的后果。希望你能体会一个老师的难处。最后，我还是要说声对不起，希望你能解开心锁，抛开阴 影，好好往前走，努力迎向光明的未来。

(No matter what happens, I would still like to say I am sorry. I hope we can talk about your pain. BUT I hope you can stand in my perspective and understand my circumstances that I did all of that in hopes of benefiting my students and was worried about their academic progress. I am sorry, I really did had good intentions, my rigorous teaching caused harm to you. But please, believe me, no teacher enjoys beating students and scolding them, we always hope we could work with students, and have a happy environment and class can progress smoothly. BUT things are often a lot more complicated and a lot of uncontrollable circumstances appear to deny us the ability to build a perfect classroom experience, therefore creating an unfavorable outcome. I hope you can understand a teacher's plight. Lastly, I would like to say sorry again and hope you can move past this and have a good future)

You hope we can talk about my pain? My pain that you inflicted you mean. My harm was not cause by your "rigorous" teaching, it was caused by your "rigorous" beating. The fact that you fail to admit that throughout two apologies makes it clear to me your intentions and sincerity. So abusing multiple children on multiple occasions was something OUTSIDE of your control. Wow, I wonder what you would say to other forms of violent crime. I hope you can understand your victims "plight" too.

                                        

 诚心道歉

     *但我真的记得你曾经写过那些话，因为我有默默关注你，毕竟我曾经狠狠处罚过你。当时我还欣慰你终于改变了，如果不是那我就忘了吧！

(I apologize sincerely * I thought you did send me the note because I was very attentive and care about you, consider how I was so cruel with my punishment with you in the past. At that moment. I even compliment you on how you have changed, if it is not true I may have forgotten it).

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Ms Wong,

Based on the language you choose to use and the amount of focus you spend on justifying your actions by putting blame on your uncontrolled anxiety and immense pressure put on by others, you have not once take ownership of your actions. Yes you said "I am sorry" and "I apologize" on multiple occasions but follow it up with "but". I do not wish to spend any more time reading your filth and watch how you diminish my pain by shifting blame to anything and anyone but yourself. 

Apologies are more than "I am sorry". It is also "I am sorry for what I have done that caused so much damage to another human being, My actions are my own and taken by me, it was horrible and unacceptable and I take full responsibility to everything that happened". 

Considering that this is your second attempt at apologizing and it appeared to be more insulting than the first, I would respectfully inform you that I will no longer respond to such sorry excuse of an apology. You did not mention how you miraculously stop your uncontrollable rage as it seems it does not take a lot to set you off. Which confirms my fear that other children may be in imminent danger under your care. The fact that you believe physical beating is a good behavioral management technique speaks volumes to why abuse occur in your classroom. 

Abuse is a pattern and often not an isolated incident. In both of your apologies, you try to blame pressure and emotional anguish as excuses for your behavior making it sound like it happened in a moment of bad judgment. Did you had a split second of bad judgment when you decided to show my blank homework in front of the whole class saying "see? I told you guys she is lazy and never does her homework. And now she is trying to tell her mum I hit her, I was doing what teachers should do"? Did you have a split second of bad judgment when you decided to warn other students that befriending me can cause them to fail academically and become lazy after you hit me in front of them? Or did you had a split second of bad judgment when you threw a cane off the balcony AFTER you've thrown poor Lee Kuo Cheng (Another student)'s school bag off the balcony? I would think reflecting on your actions would have kick into place after you threw his bag off the balcony and beat the hell out of him, but instead you did the same to me. So I wonder, when did self reflection ever kick in for you? When does your conscience catch up to your actions? 16 years later? Too little too late.

Being a mother is stressful too, yet not all mothers are abusive. I am sure your coworkers experience the same amount of pressure, but unless you're going to tell me they all abuse children on a regular basis, your excuses do not fly. 

Asking me to have understanding for you, well, did you had any when you torment me? Did you ever consider how I feel when you hit me? Did you consider how anxiety inducing it must be for me? Did you ever consider how scared I feel for years and couldn't sleep? Did you ever consider how awful it is to feel trapped with a violent abuser and how helpless an 11 year old child feels? So before you insult me by saying how helpless and anxious you feel, imagine how I feel, how any of your students feel.

Those feelings did not appear because I had trouble "handling" school, those feelings appear because of YOUR ACTIONS. You actions caused those damage, I am not responsible for your unstable emotional state. Your pupils are not your counselor, mother, friend, or psychologist. They are not responsible for your mental state and what you do under a specific mental state. You might as well just say alcohol made me do it. It seems to work for some people. 

Implying that your beatings stopped after I "changed" and appear to work "harder" is like saying people no longer get robbed because they now hand over their possession willingly therefore robbery with a deadly weapon must be an effective means of getting rich. Ever wonder maybe I work hard because I am scared of you? Afraid of being ostracize by other students whom you instructed not to befriend me? Hurt by your comments that I am stupid and worthless? Scared that no one would believe me again if you decided to do something worst than beating me until I wet myself? 

As human beings we can never be certain of another person's intentions. I can't see intentions and have to rely on words put on paper and actions to judge someone's intentions accordingly. And if you think "good intentions" and "immense pressure" justify打骂 then I have cause for concern for your current pupils. No matter how horrible someone is, they do not deserve abuse, verbal, emotional, or physical. Even a child abuser deserve respectable communication. So maybe, look inside your heart and understand my perspective for just a little while, as it is evident in all your correspondence, you were too busy coming up with excuses. 

In case any other survivors approach you and request for an apology, I edited your apology as follow in case you struggle to write another "sincere" apology. Apologies that are sincere are specific and make no excuses -- no ifs, buts, or maybes.

Dear XX,

There is no easy way to say this, I am truly sorry for the senseless violence I have caused to my pupils while I was acting as their class teacher. I was emotionally struggling to cope and should have seek out appropriate emotional support, instead I took it out on helpless 11 year old children. Intimidating them, verbally abusing them, and physically abusing them. There is no excuse for my actions and as a teacher I have betrayed the trust of the school, parents, and most of all my pupils.

My behavior during that time was unacceptable and should not be accepted as the norm by anyone. I could only imagine the pain and suffering that must have been suffered by those I affected and I am truly sorry. I understand words can never take back the reprehensible actions I took.  I am [state what you have done to avoid doing it again in the future]. I am sorry for all the pain and suffering I have caused parents, siblings and friends and the humiliation that comes with it. I hope those I have hurt can find it in their hearts to forgive me someday and seek appropriate support for the damage I caused.

The Mask We Wear

 When we think about the many characters we play in our everyday life friend, sister, girlfriend, counsellor, advisor, retail worker, best friend, etc., we often think of the different mask we wear to make those roles easier to play be it to hide certain emotions, to portray a certain confidence, or to simply protect others from the turmoil that may be going on behind the stage.


We've all done it. It's nothing wrong, it is necessary in order to function in society to have these roles/mask. Sometimes I feel like there is a mask that I wear that most people don't. The mask of a socially well adjusted human being. Before you think I am psycho let me explain. I am a socially well adjust human being, I can self-regulate and does not feel a need to punch a random human being for looking like one of my exes or that barista who made my coffee wrong. But sometimes, I need to put in an effort to be diplomatic and play nice. That's when I feel like I am playing a role with scripts written out for me. I know what it should look like, I know what to say, how to say, and when to say it. But it's not how I feel or want to do, but for the sake of peace or the greater good, I must become this person.


I have no problem in being that person or playing a diplomatic part. It usually yields positive results and that alone is a good enough reward to put on that mask. It's when the rewards never come and the bullshit continues that I feel ... pressured. Pressured to play the real me. To express without hesitation how I feel about that shitty cup of coffee and shitty attitude you display.


See, I was raise by abusive parents. I learned how to cuss before I learned how to spell the word "writing". I was raise in an environment that offers me ample study material on how to be a psychotic antisocial narcissist. I didn't get to learn how to be "normal" until I was 18 in college. Although that have been largely successful, I can never get rid of that psychotic antisocial narcissist. I just learn to dampen it's voice with reasoning and self control.


And for most days I can't even hear it squeek. But when reasoning and self control get's me more abuse, that's when the angry me would say "See? told you that wouldn't work. Let me take over and just drive this situation into a big car accident and watch it go boom!".


Yes, sounds like Jekyll and Hyde. Or the cartoonish version of an angel and a demon standing on each side of my shoulders arguing. The inner struggles of man. Some people love poking a bear with a stick, I don't know what reaction they were hoping for. When they get bit, they are often extremely surprise. What? were you expecting it to hug you with love? Or offer you toilet paper?

Dilemma

di·lem·ma

diˈlemə,dīˈlemə

noun

noun: dilemma; plural noun: dilemma

a situation in which a difficult choice has to be made between two or more alternatives, especially equally undesirable ones.

I was once told that a real dilemma is deciding which way to face when sleeping in between a hot girl and a gay man...

"Hi! you must be X's housemate, I am his girlfriend!" -- That conversation should not elicit awkwardness or anxiety but it did. I am being sandwich in between doing what is right and moving out. And so I did what I always do -- I told the truth.

I remember breaking the news to a friend that her boyfriend was a) cheating on her, b) sharing intimate details of their relationship with everyone. Her face frozen with shock and disbelieve, and the pain that ensues. I was never blamed for any of it. But I always wonder if there was a better way to do it. And here I am, almost 10 years later being put in the same situation again.

Men, if you want to cheat, don't brag about it. Face with the choice of either lying by omission for you or honoring my values, my values will always come out on top. I can't go to bed or live my life knowing I could have help a fellow sister. Everyone have different  moral beliefs and mine, well those are just mine.

I told the poor girl what I thought was happening and it seems that she choose to believe the late night lady guest is nothing but a "friend". If she thought otherwise, she definitely did not tell me. I didn't tell her all the gory details as I don't see a point.

It's not my decision whether someone wants to stick with a cheater, it's their choice. But I can go to bed with a peace of mind knowing that I've done the right thing. If I have to move again because I was trying to spare another girl some heartbreak, I guess I'll have to deal with it.

You don't expect your friends to sit there and be okay with it if you share a story about murdering someone, so don't expect me to be okay with it when you tell me you're going to break up with someone after they fly all the way from another continent while secretly cheating on them. I know it isn't a fair comparison but if I compromise my values, then what else do I have left to stand on?

It's not fair to put me in a situation where I have to choose between my values and your privacy and for you to blame me when I choose to stand by those values. I can't compromise "me" because you made a poor decision.

The Rotten Branch

Child abandonment is a word thrown around in my extended family. It's not a big deal when you have 11 children and decides to send one away to your sister. And it's perfectly okay to abandon your kids when they needed you the most -- sick, broke, and dying. That's the crap I live around. Granted I don't live with it, still you can smell the stench a mile away.

First it was an aunt who had a stroke. She was verbally and physically abusive towards her adopted daughter but she was pressured into taking care of her during her recovery. All my aunt ever cared about were her sons who were exposed as con artist (they were on google at one point), never expressed an ounce of gratitude, affection or care towards her daughter.

And then came my infamous uncle who can basically sit side by side with Hitler when it comes to cruelty. Gave his daughter to one of my aunts and refuse to admit or accept her as his daughter. Abandon his son because he remarried and until today blamed his son for not giving him money when he never act like a father.

His son is now suffering from multiple life threatening illness and he refuse to let him go home during Chinese New Year. He felt that because his son never gave him a dime he should repay his kindness by letting him rot in a different state.

My parents are not wealthy people, they are kind. They take in dogs that nobody wants and try to help anyone they could. Granted my parents were not always the kindness people in the world, we have resolve most of our differences.That's a story for another time. Anyway, long story short my parents are now taking care of my cousin because his dad wants nothing to do with him. My uncle believes that we're a bloody goldmine/charity home that can pick up the mess that he makes. I wonder if he expects me to take care of his grandchildren because he is too stupid and heartless to do so some day.

I rarely talk about my family or my extended family as it always bring about awkward silence. I always feel like people are judging me for the decisions I make to cut these destructive people out of my life. I can write a book about the scheming, thieving, manipulation and cruelty in both my mother's and father's family. I've learn a long time ago these people only wanted money and nothing else. They have no interest in having a relationship with me or my family unless money is involved. We're simply pawns to be used, not people, and definitely not family.

I just want people to understand that they've never walk a day in my shoes and my decisions to cut these people out of my life is not because I am cruel. It's because I don't have supportive extended family like most normal people do.

I wish I have aunts and uncles who were proud of me and happy for my success instead of treating my family like a personal bank. I wish I have grandma and grandpas who love and supported their kids to love, share, and have compassion for those who need it instead I have grandparents who had no time for their kids because of the post war economy and never learned to communicate and care for their children. I wish I have cousins who wouldn't tore each other apart in order to come out on top in front of others. I wish I have an uncle who did not suffer from a disability, and I surely wish my uncle would act appropriately in front of children and not come across as a possible pedophile.

I wish my new years was not filled with insults, bickering, fighting. I wish my relatives actually cared instead of calling once a year asking for money. I accepted the fact that my family was dysfunctional a long time ago. I can't do much about it besides cutting off the rotten branches and deciding that people who are cruel and would only use me have no place in my life.

The amount of supportive extended family who was there for me when I needed them and who was there to share and help even when they are not well-off are few and far between. I am grateful and bless for my aunt Rose and uncle Harry for being supportive and kind to me. Granted I don't have a relationship with some relatives due to lack of exposure. The large part is simply too dysfunctional to deserve a place in my life.