So for the last 2 days, I've been crying my eyeballs out to a point where I can't see. Sleeping for 3 hours or less because I would just wake up and cry some more, hardly eating, and all alone. I loved him, but he didn't loved me. He loved the fact that I was there to listen and never judge him...he loved my companionship but nothing else.
I was nothing but another person who is emotionally available for him when he is not there for me. It came to a point where he was pointing out my "flaws" to me so that I may change to better serve him. He felt like as long as he was honest, he was entitle to say whatever he want.
I was in so much pain that I just want it to go. The romance,,,surprisingly was not that hard to let go. Maybe because we spend most of our time apart. But the friendship was a hard blow. For the past 4 years, I have little to no friends in this school, isolated by horrible public transportation. I was left vulnerable to any shred of kindness and care. We share different world views, grew up in a different culture, come from a different socio-economic background. You couldn't find 2 people who were more different.
He is passive, I'm aggressive. I believe if you want something you should work for it. He believe that the world owe him everything and they should pay up. He believe that everyone living in 1st world countries are rich, and they have everything. I believe, it's what you make of a place that makes a difference. He thinks money solve all problems. I think money solve most problems, but can't buy the most precious thing in life -- people.
The only thing that made me feel close to him was our common interest and the things we love, and our similar sense of crude humor. But when I start deconstructing this avalanche of hurt, I realize I have friends who share such things with me, same sense of humor, loves the movies I love. I thought being pen pals with him would be a good compromise as I needed the relationship to function. But I soon realize I could never get that friendship back.
All he wanted was to use me for his emotional benefits. I was nothing but an emotional whore to him. A good one at that. I was treated like nothing, it's as if I was at work...where he is one of the people I work for...just sit there and listen and love on them. But those people, loved me back, even though they have nothing physical to offer. They encourage me and showed me life isn't that bad even though they have every reason to complaint. Yeah, people I work for treat me better than him...
I no longer want things to go back the way it was, I finally realize it was never meant to be. He was a bitter and angry person. He didn't have a goal and didn't know what he wanted. I should have seen the signs when I met his friends and parents. They were both miserable and bitter. It's as if life have taken their happiness hostage and the price was to be angry.
I was an angry person, but life is too short to be yelling, screaming, hating, at the intersection because someone decided to park a car there. You can scream all you want, because it ain't moving, or you can just take the high road and go around it to get to your destination.
I'm still sad and hurt, but no longer about the same thing. I wasn't crying for the lost of the relationship or friendship. But I'm crying because of the way he treated me, how he failed my expectations, and broken every promise he made to me...even the one that he would spend the rest of his life with me.
He was too rotten for me and I was too good for him. He had to go and I cannot be penpals with him. He tried to put me down as early as our first correspondence...it takes a rotten person to do that. It really does.And he never apologize for what he did. He simply barf his problems on electronic text and hand it to me as if I'm suppose to sort through it to make his life better for him. He said I was a good person, even though I have a few flaws. As if I was an object to be fix, poke at, and labeled "Flawed", "Defect", "Rejected".
Well, I like my friends who are human and have hearts and frankly I can't stand wasting my life away on someone who lost his heart along the way because he threw it away and blame life stole it. I miss the encouragement and comfort he gave me, I didn't get any of that and I know I will never will. Every time I fall, I hope he would catch me with his arms...but I have more than 20 pairs of arms catching me right now as I fall through the grave that he dug for our relationship. I don't need you anymore, and you need to get out my life.
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