Motivation

We often set out to do certain things, create certain goals for ourselves to achieve because sometimes we hope for the opportunity to do those things. The opportunity to meet new friends and travel perhaps or challenge ourselves to do something that we would otherwise not do be it something stupid like licking an LSD sticker or drinking 16 cups of coffee.

How often do we achieve these mundane goals to help ourselves fulfill a sense of purpose? How many New Year's resolution have we truly fulfilled? I myself have fulfilled none so far. Maybe you're more motivated and discipline than I am, if so I congratulate you.

I once had a housemate who came from America. She set up amazing goals the day she moved in and published them proudly in the form of a poster at the front of the door for all to see. All of her goals had a theme, a theme to ensure that she did all that she could to experience Australia -- riding a bike down the swan river, dressing up for Halloween, kayaking and so on. All these goals would ensure she made new friends and create new memories and hopefully adventures.

When she moved out, I could not ascertain if any of said goals were ever achieved. She was rarely seen with friends and definitely did not dress up for Halloween. And the only "adventure" she had was spending a night in the company of two different men within the span of two weeks. If that was one of her goals, she definitely achieved it. The only other adventure she had was figuring out how to make edible food to sustain herself.

It made me wonder why we ever made these mundane goals. Sure some of the goals we set are important and are achieved such as buying a house, graduating college, getting a pet. But what about the mundane, short term, silly ones? Are we trying to fool ourselves that we could be something that we're not? Or are we trying have something good to look forward to because we're afraid and empty? Or perhaps something positive to look forward to so we feel a sense of achievement or at least an attempt at it?

I no longer know, maybe it's age, or maybe I don't care anymore. I just live each day as it comes and do what I want to do today. Perhaps I might feel a need to set arbitrary goals on New Year's Eve just to fit in and pretend I am going to do what I set out to do. Or decide that if a bunch of fun goals might turn me into a night walker, I probably should just stick to living each day as it comes.

Olive branches and Al Qaeda

      Relationships go both ways and communication is the bridge. The saddest of all relationships is when a party makes no effort to communicate their frustration and lash out at others.

You don't like people who eat chicken nuggets? Great. If they are your friend and you value your relationship with them, tell them and work something out. Lashing out or snapping at them is not telling them. 

      If you lash out and don't even make an effort to tell them, I am sorry, you can't expect other people to read your mind. It says a lot more about you than the person who upsets you. You don't care enough to even bother making the effort to communicate when there was ample opportunity.

You blame others for your inability to communicate and they should just not piss you off. Right, if they knew they wouldn't. You know how I know? Because they care enough about how you feel to not do it to hurt your feelings. You're the one who is feeble and dramatic and lack the basic ability to communicate. Frankly, you don't care enough to tell them why they upset you or that they upset you at all.

      I have often taken responsibility for others, for the things that they do and the way they act. Frankly I am tired of having people in my life where I have to extend the olive branch every time they can't take responsibility for how they feel and communicate. 

      You can't expect me to jump and skip every time something upsets you and expect me to read your mind or off hand comments. If you think that's communicating, you're going to be disappointed. I still don't know why what I did piss you off. I can make some educated guess but frankly that's not how any relationship works. Be it professional or friendship. 

       I have consider taking the higher road and have a conversation with her. But after thinking about it, I realize its not worth it. Why spend your effort on someone who couldn't be bothered to put any into her interaction with you? Why give a monkey a diamond? Or a blind man a tv? I apologize right away when I realize my mistake (obviously, still don't know why it is a mistake though. Suppose I could try and read her precious mind!) and make it clear that I did not intend to upset her. The response? Then don't piss me off. Good, you just describe your temper as a crying baby (don't wake him up or he will cry), a bomb (don't set it off), or virtually anything that shifts the blame to me.

     A bomb and a baby have a few things in common, neither are capable of taking on any responsibility. A baby cannot stop crying because that is the only way to communicate. A bomb is an inanimate object. So what are you saying? Sorry I can't control my temper? Sorry I am not adult enough to take any responsibility? 

       Either way, its a lost cause. There are better things and people to spend time on. These people forget that they are not perfect and how much other people put up with them. Trust me, this person has a looot going. Yet all it took was one small thing. I don't usually count the amount of times I extend an olive branch to al queda however in this situation, I don't think I want anyone in my life who only expects others to make them happy and refuse to take any responsibility and be an equal in it.

      The worst part isn't someone lashing out at you, the worst part is realizing this whole time, they didn't think you care about them enough to not want to hurt them and have the best intentions.

I don't hate this person, I simply have no room in my life for people who can't communicate properly and blame others "for pissing them off". Instead of looking inwards and wonder why and how they should react, they blame others.  If I can read minds, I wouldn't be here talking to you. 

A positive spin?

I am usually cynical and have no time for positive bullshit. It only works on people who wants to pretend and look good for everyone else and hide in their closets and cry. But just thinking about what happen in my life I realize I date disgusting losers even when they physically repulses me.

I still remember the first time I met Thomas. I thought he was gross and "ughhhhhh". But instead of smiling and being polite and move on, I decide to assure him that he is not ugly and continue to pursue a relationship with him because I felt bad that he was born "unlucky". GIRL! That is not your problem. How he feels about himself or how he looks isn't your problem. You're not the romantic version of mother Theresa!

You don't go around dating ugly losers with jobs that can't even pay their own rent to make them feel better about themselves. It is not your responsibility to make their life better. After that horrible break up, I vow to myself that I will never date someone who repulses me and makes me wonder why I would stoop so low below my league. And for that I am proud of myself. I still remember having that same feeling when C ask me on a date while he was drunk at a party. My first reaction was, what kind of idiot ask me out on a date while he is drunk and getting handsy with me? He must have miss the lessons on being classy.

Turn him down so fast before he could string together another poorly constructed sentence. Of course he insisted on going on a date with me the next day and I had that very same feeling I had when I first saw Thomas --- "ughhhh, omg, nooo, gross". And for the first time in my life, I follow my gut and honored and acknowledge my own feelings and turn him down nicely and bluntly.

His response was typical of a butt hurt 10 year old -- I was friend-zoning him. Soon after he realize I was dating his housemate, he began to call me fat, insult what I wear and slip in insults in conversations every chance he gets. THATS when I realize if I would have done that with all the other ugly losers I put up with, I would have seen their true colors much much sooner.

So yeah, I need to stop making other people happy and start being nice to me. I shouldn't overcome my nausea of looking at someone's face for the sake of their self esteem when the last thing they give a shit about is me. There is a reason why some people are single and no one wants to date them. It's rarely because they are unlucky, it is usually because they are creepy assholes, who have nothing to offer internally and physically repulsive.

Yes I notice I may sound "mean". Outward appearance is not everything and I am not that shallow to judge a person by how they look. However, if you're not that attractive on top of being a dickwad, it lowers your chances of anyone wanting to be around you significantly.

Those things aside, I want to be with someone that I can look at and smile without trying to hold down my vomit. The truth is, I went with my gut on my last relationship and he didn't repulse me and he didn't make me feel creep out.

However, when he started being controlling and abusive, I let it slide. Because my expectation was that normal people respond to kindness and forgiveness very differently than someone who is abusive. I treated him like a normal person when in fact he is nothing but abusive. He have no respect for me, make fun of me with his friends. I was their entertainment because being brown from a 3rd world country with shitty English and a reputation of abusing women was far better than me being whatever that I am. I never figure out what their problem is with me. Is it because I am not brown? Because I am Asian? Or is it because they are just a bunch of rotten uneducated and unsuccessful adults that they need to take out their frustration on someone else? I don't know, and frankly it doesn't matter anymore.

Well since we're talking about lessons we learn from past relationships, after dumping him, I realize if a guy starts talking about his ex-girlfriends vagina with everyone in the car like it's the weather when you first met him, he's definitely not a nice person and a big jackass. If he brags about cheating on his ex-girlfriend and punching a mirror to intimidate and scare his mother, he probably will never grow an ounce of respect for anyone lacking a penis. Yes, everyone have feelings and I shouldn't be so cruel, maybe they mean well or they don't mean it in a bad way. Well who gives a shit? I am the one who have to listen to it and I am the one who have to carry the feeling of disgust after hearing those things, why should I compromise how I feel to let someone inflate their ego at the expense of other people's dignity? That is the very definition of cruel. 

Sabbathical

While binge watching Desperate Housewives and watching how four of the main characters overcome challenges in their life, I realize I have never been truly happy on my own. I would start off okay some place new being excited to meet people and jump head long into anyone who is willing to give me the time of day. I always use the excuse that I feel bad for them, so I date them. Surely they are just unlucky and some women can be horrible. Deep down I am sure this creepy looking looser is a Romeo waiting to be discover....

Nope. There is a reason why some people are "unlucky" with the ladies and get rejected all the time. Like creepy George from Desperate Housewives. Bree wanted to believe that he is not a psycho creep but in reality that's why he was a 40 year old virgin and no one wants to date him. The beginning of last year, for the first time in my life I turn down a creep and told him I am not interested despite my feelings of pity and wanted to date him because of that. He turn out to be an asshole and a total creep who drives a forklift. Best decision of my life.

I did end up dating someone who doesn't look like a looser and isn't creepy. Sadly, he was abusive and quit his job because he wanted to shop on boxing day. This whole break up thing brings all the pain from my last relationship to the surface. I cried more about how I was left with a fake ring, his cold demeanor, and how he told me I should have trusted him when he said he wasn't that great. That hurts more than being abuse and humiliated.

Before I even go anywhere or date another pig, best I find happiness on my own. At least then, would have an idea what I should be aiming for in a relationship. There is a reason why there isn't a line waiting to date you. Have a look at the mirror instead of crying friendzone like an entitled little bitch. Maybe because you're a creep with a shit job and a shit personality who treats women like handicap slaves.

The difference between choosing peace and being an enabler

Some people profess that they choose peace daily. Yogis, hippies, religious people, gurus and etc.

That's great and commendable. However when you masquarade peace to protect and stand with an abuser, you're not being peaceful, you're an enabler.

Yes I understand you choose not to get angry and "let it go" and be okay with it. But if you're going to continue on any relationship with this person and pretend like it never happen, what you're saying indirectly to him is that you're okay with the way he behave.

We all make choices for ourselves. Some of us choose to accept abuse (I did for a long time) and be "peaceful" but doesn't mean I have to stoop to your level and accept that kind of behavior. Just because you're happy riding a bike doesn't mean I can't set my sights on a BMW.

What it simply means is you have no standards for yourself and in the long run, allow these abusive people to continue their ways and in a subtle way promote it. I can't see the peace in subtly/covertly promoting abuse. There is definitely no point attempting to reason with someone who is okay to be abuse and enjoys it.

Cheerful positive outlook with butterflies coming out of one's ass

I've tried to be this positive cheerful person who sees the good in life and pin "emotional" quotes on pinterest and take pictures of my lunch and flowers on instagram. All it does is make me want to puke.

I can go on and pretend I am this person who likes to travel, cares about earthquakes and floods in impoverish countries, wake up with a smile and shooting butterflies out of my asshole. At one point in my life I thought I could feel just as positive if I pretend I am this happy person. It only last so long because that's not the real me.

I say screw it, I'd rather just be myself and let those people who puke rainbows and shit butterflies judge me for being "cynical" and "negative". Go take some pictures of your lunch before you forget. There is a reason why some of us don't post pictures of our coffee and lunches, we live our life instead of cataloging it. 

You have the magic positivity to turn a "negative" situation into a positive one ? Good for you. We all have our own ways to cope, for some of us its pretending to be a better person while cursing and crying when no one sees us, while the rest of us just out right tell them to fuck off and eat a bag of dicks.

I am sick and tired of even attempting to pretend I am this other person. No, Thomas Sibiga was a butthole for not having the balls to say why he is leaving. There is no good feelings that came from it and he is still a dickhole who gave me a fake ring. I hope he gets run over by a car and ends up a vegetable.

As for ex-scumbag, you're an abusive asshole and I am not even for a second going to pretend to be a better person. You deserve much much more than what I can dish out. At least you didn't give me a fake ring and have let me verbally rip you to pieces over and over again without putting much of a fight. That I have some respect for and it also makes your remorse slightly believable. Still hope you trip and fall off a flight of stairs and knock all of your teeth out.

Just reading how I set up my blog pretending to sound "positive" and be a better person after that Polish piece of crap left makes me sick. In that moment I tried to pretend to be something I am not and tried to be a better person in the situation. There is no better person to be in that situation. There isn't a good response towards a jackass who gave you a fake ring and lied about how he is moving somewhere else. There is no appropriate response besides that of asking him to shove a broom handle up his own ass.

So no, I am tired of pretending. There is no prize to win in being the better person. Yes a few hipsters might pad you on the back for being "positive" or good but they are not the one who have to go through all those feelings. If anything, they are just a bunch of spectators trying to tell you what's best for you. I say grab a few dozen eggs and smash some windows if that's what it takes. Want to fling some dog shit at their windows? hell go for it. The hipsters are not the one who had to fling the poop nor are they the ones who had to deal with these miserable assholes.

When people expect you to talk like "Harro, wercome, to china, you want fly llie?"

When we talk about racism, it's usually about black vs white people or latinos vs white. I have never heard of an argument about racism towards Asian people. I could be wrong but if it is out there, it's pretty rare. Asian people have feelings too, we may not be as vocal about the way we're being treated but it doesn't mean we're not dealing with it on a daily basis. Here's the kind of crap I deal with everyday, in 2008 to 2015 as an Asian woman with a traditional Chinese name on all my legal documents.

1. People slowing down their rate of speech when conversing in English with me for the first time

This tend to happen a lot when I meet someone new or when I receive telephone interviews. Potential employers assume my English is awful and would purposely slow down their speech. Yes we notice that little slowdown you did back there and also the little pause and shock on your face when we speak. I am so accustom to this I actually anticipate it.

When I attended my first lecture in California, one of my professor actually slowed down his speech so much I thought he was mentally challenge and responded in an equally slow rate. I later realize he was "normal" when he began his lectures.

2. Asian people are poor people from backward hillbilly countries.

Might be true 20 years ago, but not so much today. Again, there are way too many Asian people out there to assume "ALL" of them are poor. Just like any other race, there are rich, middle class, and poor people.

I have people who are shock that I can afford an education in California and couldn't pronounce "Malaysia" and didn't even know where it is. One of my former housemates thought everyone in Malaysia live in mud huts and hunt for food. "Wow, you have that in your country?" " So they ACTUALLY teach you English?" "Wait, so you have cable in your country and you watch American Idol?" I have receive a variation of those and it has become "normal" in a very weird and ignorant way.

3. The "blank" look they give you when you don't sound "asian"

There is a 50% chance every time I meet someone new they give me a blank stare after I introduce myself. What proceeds is them trying to "place" me. I have received this so many times in Australia I can literally tell when they give me the "I-don't-know-why-you-don't-have-an-asian-accent-and-I-don't-know-where-you-are-from-so-I-am-freaking-out" look.

I never get this crap in America even when I don't have an American accent. People treat me like people. Chill, I am not an alien, just because I dont tark rike dis doesn't mean I am not people. Me people too, me brood led.

4. "I bet they eat that in China.."

I bet they use to eat people in Europe you ignorant shit. What if they do? Not all of us are from China and not all of us are Chinese. It's like thinking that all white people are British. Just because you don't eat something doesn't mean you have to make fun of what other people eat. I don't make fun of American people eating McDonalds and looking like a burger, nor do I make fun of the Scottish for eating Haggis.

Yes we eat a lot of things that other people don't but you guys eat a lot of stuff we don't use to eat either like cheese, milk, pudding, donuts, pizza, and the list goes on. We do now because of globalization. You think your food is more "acceptable" simply because we eat it, well honey it still doesn't make that comment any less racist to imply that Chinese people eat all sort of shit in a derogatory manner.  

5. "I am not being racist or anything..."

Just shut up. Anything that comes after that comment is nothing good. If you need to say that before you say something, it's racist and you know it. I have people who start their sentence with this and tell me how all Asian people get into other people's faces and talk really close to their face. Uh don't know what kind of Asian you met, but never heard of that.

Or how Asian people can't drive, well go to Hong Kong ignorant twat, see if you can survive the traffic.

6. Pulling your eyes side ways to explain to me how different Asians have different eyes

I don't even know where to begin. So if your eyes are side ways you are Chinese, if they are slightly slanted you're Korean, and if it is really small you're Japanese. Please, can I slap you?

7. You know what Christmas is? And you celebrate it?

Yes we do. We may celebrate it differently without the turkey and cranberry sauce but rest assured we know what Christmas is and what Santa Claus is. We also give gifts during Christmas.

8. Addressing me "Ni Hao" instead of my name or saying hi

So the other day when I was on my way home, there were these two ignorant teens who decided to call me "ni hao" not as a way to say hello but as a way of addressing "a Chinese person" more like "that ni hao over there". I was so mad, I turn around and said "what is your problem you racist piece of shit?". Yeah they immediately gave me the look I mention in #3.

What I glean from my experience in Australia so far is that teenagers and children are very racist towards Asian people. I have had kids who threw things at me in K-Mart for being Asian. At least in America, they only think I live in a mud hut and make fun of the way I pronounce things.

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I am sure I didn't get all of them but that's the common ones that I have to deal with on a daily basis. Instead of pretending to be a ninja or know Kung Fu, if you don't know anything, just ask.

 

The Chronicles of Dating a Drunk, Jobless, Irresponsible Man-Child

"You don't trust me!" That was the end of it. I had enough of it and I wanted him gone. I was screaming inside my head "Of course I don't trust you! You get drunk and decided to verbally abuse me, tell anyone who would listen about our sex lives, call me derogatory names every chance you get. Oh on top of it, living on credit and spending money that isn't yours. You're right, I don't trust you. When a drunk, jobless, irresponsible person ask me to transfer $8,000 of my father's money into their bank account so they can earn some points, no.

It's not my money but hey, when have he learned to take no for an answer. Either you get what you want or you threaten me, just like how you threaten me with breakup when I said no to sex. And you get angry when I said all you ever wanted was to used me?

I use to have a morsel of respect for you, but not anymore. Sitting at casinos watching you gamble with money that isn't yours and frankly don't have. And when you run out, you ask me to withdraw my money so you can continue gambling. Loosing was always everyone's fault, the dealer, me being "unsupportive", me giving you bad vibes, and so on....

Every time you call me fat, stupid bitch, dumb bitch, whore, or any awful comments about how I am useless, it was my fault because I "made you angry". You would always apologize and then become extremely nice and the whole cycle would start again. You claim that you cared about me and love me, I have never met anyone who truly loves someone treat them like crap on a daily basis and only start acting like a respectable human being when they know they screw up.

Of course your friends love you and trust you, you don't call them names, borrow money from them to gamble, threaten them when they don't want to give you anything, they drink with you, and never have to deal with your angry outburst and blaming.

According to you that's normal because you have a "right" over me. First of all, I am a human being, no one has a "right" over me. I am not your pet, I am a person. Maybe they don't teach you to respect women in India but this is Australia. Go home if you can't accept the fact that you need to respect other people.

Because I might not want to have kids you were thinking about breaking up. First of all, you don't even have a job and you're on welfare. Maybe get one, grow up, learn how to be a decent human being, and then think about it.

The saddest thing is the fact that you keep calling me a nice person and how I am good and kind. I am, and sadly that is what you've been abusing. I am a very kind person, and you don't deserve my kindness. Because even though I forgive you for a lot of things, you have no intentions of changing. You just want to abuse my kindness over and over again like I am your personal slave that have to give into your demands and do what you want.

You showed up at my place drunk at 4am when I was getting ready to go to prac, screaming and yelling obscenities at me. And when I failed my prac, you got angry that I imply it might have something to do with you. Really? I cried my whole way to your house and the bus stop while you call me a bitch the whole way and told me how no one cares about me and I am useless. Good on you. 

Go back to India, because surely a country who's main problem besides poverty is misogyny would not have a problem with you beating women, calling them names, and expecting them to wait on you and be your servant. I don't need to be with someone where their glory days were in high school. When I think of the people who peak at high school, they are now drug dealers, loan sharks, and bogans.

You even went above and beyond and complaint that I don't clean your house. Am I your fucking maid? You and your housemates live in it. I don't. Do I ask you to come vacuum my living room? You never cared about anyone but yourself. On my birthday you bought your favorite cake and couldn't even be bothered to ask me what I want. You were more excited about cutting the cake than me. Every time when I want to watch a movie or do what I like together, you complain and make it sound like a chore that you've to endure. I got tired of it and just shut up and do what you like.

If you truly cared about me, you would've cared about how I feel and what I want, not just your own selfish needs. You are a rotten human being who should crawl back into your mother's womb. Surely she did a fantastic job raising an asshole like you to hurt other women.You think you can buy my forgiveness with an IPAD? Really? I can get one with my tax return alone or my savings. There are people who are 100 times more financially able than you who can't buy my forgiveness and you think this is all about stuff? You're either misguided or retarded.

Ignorance and Racism

Why are some people so oblivious to what they say? Can they not hear themselves? Or were they raised by parents who fail to instill certain moral values in them? Disliking someone or discriminating someone due to their color is just wrong. Usually being on the receiving end of it, it hurts. There is nothing more hurtful to feel that you don't measure up because you are not "privilege" enough to be white or as in my case born in a first world country and not be asian.

I have to swallowed some of the most disgusting words I have heard for the last few months because of someone else's ignorance and I didn't want to cause a rift in the relationship. I should have told her how I feel right there and then. I just didn't think people could say those things and see nothing wrong with it. "Asia is dirty and poor, Norway is better," "No I've never been to any Asian countries" "I am not ignorant" "Wow, that is nothing though compare to what people earn in Norway"

I cannot see how any sane person who is not a huge asshole would say those things to another person. Hell I can conjure up a image of the most annoying person I know and I would never said that to them. And to think that this very same racist jerk decided to start harassing everyone over a 2$ spoon and act like a beggar half the time.

I can't study during study week because she decided to bake and have parties, while leaving the stove on and risking everyone's life but when she can't sleep for a night it's ok for her to purposely bump me? I haven't slap her for the racist shit she said. That piss me off so bad, I snapped.

There is no longer civility when someone goes so low. Fat ass is probably the nicest name I've given her today and I make sure she get a piece of my mind. Sorry I don't feel bad for you mopping around for past few days possibly because you fail your classes. Nor do I feel bad that you ran off to the office and almost in tears, and decided to go jogging afterwards.

I am not mean by nature, even after all those inconsiderate, condescending remarks, I didn't abuse you or treat you any different. I pretend you were mentally disabled and leave you be. But you decided to get physical because your chubby face can't get enough sleep, well welcome to my world. I couldn't study for 5 days and had to walk to the library to get anything done, you knew you guys were being horrid but you didn't care, so suck it up, you've earn it.

Asking me to lower my voice, when 2 seconds later you talk loudly in your room, you're a special kind of amazing. I am tired of pretending, and I wish I could have told you how racist, ignorant, and an asshole you are and you should go back to Norway and don't embarrass your country by going anywhere else.  You are an embarrassment to your ethnicity, country, and family, and a waste of space on planet earth. What is wrong with your parents?

Minority does not understand courtersy and kindness

When a notice is being posted during study week (a week before finals) declaring a noise ban and stating that any noise level will not be tolerated, it means that. It is almost impossible to understand why some find it challenging to understand a simple poster yet is able to attend university. However, they do mistake themselves for an "engineer" when in fact they are no more than a student who struggles with a simple accounting class.

If you are from a foreign country and English is not your first language, I can understand that you may struggle with reading a simple poster. What if English is your native language? Are you visually impaired or cognitively challenged?

When you couldn't mind your own business and wanted to play hero for the apartment you seem to present with a functioning cognitive state. No matter, having to repeat myself over and over again to someone who possess little to no English skills that they could barely tell the difference between an "engineer" and someone who wish they were an engineer, and a lady who is most likely visually or cognitively impaired would be a waste of my time.

Calling security seems to be the only way to explain to you guys what a noise ban means. I just hope the security speaks norwegian or at least have a background in psychology and how to deal with the visually impaired.

You have more stuff, so you decide to make me move my shit to make room for yours. You bring your sorry ass from Norway over to Australia, not so you could see the world, but so the world could experience how amazing Norway is or how awesome Norwegian people are. I think you got the student exchange experience wrong, but that's just me.

You make sure to rub your pride for your country in other people's face and am shock when you're being called out for being ignorant. You have to make sure everyone know how little money they earn compare to you when you are back in your amazing country, and at that point I was tired of telling you what a cunt you are. If you earn as much money as you claim, why are you pestering everyone over spoons that you allegedly loss? Us simpletons in Australia are so poor and stupid, we wouldn't know where a spoon is.

And there's you, visually and cognitively impaired. You make drama about a guy problem but next thing I know he is visiting and you are fucking him in your room and humming in the shower at 12. Your cognitive and visual impairment seems to come in episodes. See, you were able to keep your voice down while you fuck the guy but doesn't seem to understand the sign when you are sitting next to it. Maybe you should have more sex, that way I can actually study and not think of smacking that sorry ass face of yours with a chair. See, I mind my own business, you used the guy, lead him on, said you don't like him, fuck him, and then pretend like nothing happen, I kept quiet and let it be. If the guy is pathetic and stupid enough to want to sleep with you, good on him. I don't get in your face about how full of shit you are because it's none of my god damn business. Norwegian Hitler is moving out end of this year, when the fuck are you leaving?

The reason to run

I always thought the end of a relationship brings about nothing but pain, hatred, and more pain. There will always be pain, but what I realize today is that there will be lessons learned and some odd sense of positivity.

I finally did it. I told him I had to go and I can't do it anymore. I did it the best that I can, and the kindness way I could mustered. It's far from perfect but I did the best that I could. I know it's not good enough, I wish I can walk away without hurting anyone's feelings.

The moment I realize no matter what happen from now on, I cannot see myself in a relationship with him beyond this point. It's not going to happen. I always wonder why it took me so long to get away from this and I think I know why. I had friends (not close friends but friends none the less), I did well in school which increase my confidence, met new people and made new friends through volunteering. I feel better about myself and overall a lot more confident and strong.

I was able to make a clean end to it because I had something to stand on. He is still my best friend and the closest person I have right now and loosing that friendship hurts. But I can't let that keep me or him in a relationship that I know will not work. I can't play pretend and lie to him and make him think everything is okay, it would be downright cruel.

That's one mystery solved! The fact that abusive men attract me like crap attract flies baffles me. I know I have a problem but I never knew why. I think I might have figure it out today. I felt abandon growing up, that I was all alone and had no one. I had to fend for myself as a child and that was very traumatic. Most abusive partners will not leave a relationship simply because it's not that easy to find someone who would be happy to be abused on a daily basis. Unless they can find someone else that is easier to abuse and bully, they won't leave.

Somehow my brain figured that out and decided to stick with these men because hey doesn't matter if they shout at me or threaten to beat me, at least they won't leave me. It's not like I have friends, resources, or anything. I am a big girl now, not a kid anymore. I am more than capable of looking out for myself and I don't need to keep someone who drains my energy and hurt my feelings around me. Life is better off without these people.

I have to say, things have changed a lot ever since January. He stopped drinking (I mean getting hammered drunk, he still drinks), he got a job, he started complimenting me and treating me better. He stop calling me names and tried his best to control his temper. But none of that is going to change the fact that I don't trust him anymore.

It makes me really sad that even though he tried, I know things won't change. He was right, I don't have faith in him anymore and I am not willing to stick around and hope that he won't start gambling and drinking again. I am upset at myself that I dated someone who treated me so badly and stuck around, at the same time I am angry at myself for walking away when I've seen how hard he tried to change. I feel disgusted with myself that I can't accept the fact that he could change.

I am upset that I resented him for the choices he made. I feel like I should be supportive and kind, but I can't. I know I camr across as blunt and cruel to him when I broke it off. But it had to be done, I can't let him take whatever that is left of my life away from me and I can't rob him of a chance to wake up and look at his mistakes.

I am just heartbroken that I had to tell someone that I cared for for the last 13 months that I don't want to talk to them anymore and I feel ashamed to tell anyone that I am still dating him. I can't tell him I still care about him it will just make things worst. I am just sad that I have to hurt someone when they've tried so hard to make a difference. 

Trust

Trust is such a delicate thing. Most of us have trust issues, only a few of us who are lucky enough who are not jaded and pessimistic will find themselves becoming one of us. A hard lesson to learn... not to trust people too much.

Personal interest trumps everything out there. I can't let go because I am holding on to the hope that if you were given a second chance, you would have done things differently. I don't think I know that, it's more like I wish and want that.

If you knew about the consequences, you might do things differently. Not because I would get hurt, upset, or disappointed. Because I might disappear. Hindsight is always 20/20 as they say. I knew from the beginning that you would leave me for personal gain. I just wanted to prove myself wrong so I stayed. I just wanted to believe the mantra that "see, not everyone is bad" to be true so bad that I waited and hang around.

The last guy I trusted, who made me feel like I was the luckiest women alive left me for less than what you probably would. That showed me something, people can never be trusted. Nothing trumps personal agenda. He would have left me for a pack of cigarettes. When you said life is tough here and you might as well move home. That tells me something, something I've always known to be true. Something I refuse to believe to be true.

That you would leave me just like anybody else because you can never be more important than someone's interest, ambition, aim, whatever you want to call it. I have a million reasons in my head ready to come up with an excuse for you. Maybe you miss home, maybe you're just frustrated.

I've learn that those things can be true and coexist with the fact that you are unreliable just like everyone else. When shit hits the fan, your first thought is to run because its every man for himself right? Than why am I standing here like an idiot hoping things will change? Forgiving you over and over again?

I've met enough people to know that no one truly changes, they go through phases, but never change. They just put on more sophisticated mask and hide behind thicker walls. I once knew a girl in grade school, lets call her Charmaine.

We were "friends" on the school bus. We live 1 street away and was the smallest kids on the bus. Naturally the bullies single me out. Charmaine always stay out of it for her own protection. Never blamed her for it. It's every kid for themselves. One day she wanted to borrow a magazine of mine. She offer her friendship and told me she would stood up for me if the bullies try anything. Naturally, I borrow her my magazine and was happy. Charmaine never stood up for me, never said a word to the bullies. Pretend like nothing happened and happily read the magazine she borrowed from me.

Our "friendship" went on for 10 years. Charmaine always have an angle and sold me out every time after I do her a favor or get her out of some kind of mess. I am not an idiot, I realize what she was the first time when she decided to join the bullies and pick on me a day after she borrowed my magazine. Ever since then, I could see what was coming time after time. I never stop saving her or doing her favors. I never get anything in return.

I don't know why I did that for her, maybe it's pity, maybe I wanted to save her from the terrible home she grew up in. But I was never hurt, every time she betrayed me I saw it coming and let her think she won. I knew her play and I know what to do to prevent it. But I realize I can't do that with everyone. Because some people gets under your skin.

No matter how much time you've spend understanding schemers, backstabbers, and people who are simply out for themselves. I can't claim to know everyone as well as I know Charmaine. And I don't know you enough to say that you won't ditch me when I needed you the most. It made it clear to me that you'd run for the first sign of trouble while I stayed trying to put out a fire with nothing more than a fire blanket with a hole.

I can let you hurt me, put me down, disappoint me, frustrate me, or even break my heart. But I cannot and will not let you lock me in a burning building while you run to safety. I am not going to stand here and wait for the day when you are going to sell me out for a candy bar and do nothing. I can't. I've given you enough chances and time. It's time for me to move on and for you to run to the exits while you still can. I don't fancy hurting other people, I won't let you hurt me, so I don't have to hurt you back. 

11/03/15

I am trying to move on with my life -- do my best in school, meet new people, volunteer, and work. Besides the occasional burst of anger and a few tears of frustration I have been relatively ok. I burst out in tears tonight, not over my recent break up. But one that happened two years ago.

I am more hurt about another breakup than the one that happened recently. I am just angry about the recent break up. It makes me furious when someone claims to care about you but abuses you over and over again. They think they can get away with it by simply telling you they were "just talking" or whatever justification they can come up with.

I was still hurt by what happened two years ago. Looking back, it might have been the best thing that ever happened. I just wish he wasn't such a prick the way he left me. He promise me the world but in the end but when it comes down to it his response was "I told you I wasn't that great". As if it is my fault for putting too much faith in him.

I refuse to let a rotten person stop me from having a fulfilling life. So I work, went back to school, moved and met someone else. Someone else I should probably have not put as much faith in as I did. Truth be told, despite my anger towards him, I have some respect for him. He tries to talk to me when things go south, even though the talking never really do much. At least he tries to work things out the best he knows how.

He didn't just disappear, he keeps offering me help and his friendship, which is great. Until he decides to call me multiple time. Yes I am annoyed, angry, and disappointed at how things turns out and how he treated me. At least he tries and he attempts to make the best of things in his own way.

Thomas never even tried. Gave me a fake engagement ring, told me to be strong for myself and hang in there, and never never put up with men who fuck up more than twice. Despite being the biggest asshole I have ever met, I still miss our friendship. I would never trust him again nor can I ever be civil with someone so cruel and full of shit.

At least, at least this emotionally and verbally abusive recently ex-boyfriend of mine would stand up for me, help me, and always shares what he have. He is generous with things, I just wish he was generous in giving his affection, kindness, and love. He is manipulative and doesn't care about what I want. Thomas did, until the end he just became someone I didn't know. Lied to me about moving, gave me a fake engagement ring, sometimes I wonder if our friendship was ever real. Like maybe the fact that we have so much in common was all fake. He just pretend he likes the same things and pretend he knows what I am talking about.

When Thomas left, I told myself I won't let one utterly rotten person stop me from meeting someone else and I refuse to have my vision colored because of one asshole. I feel like giving up. I thought I met someone that cared about me 11 months ago but this person, he just cares about himself. He is abusive drunk or sober and I can't let him hurt me anymore. It's so disheartening that people who claims to care about you betrays your trust by either leaving or hurting you. I would rather he just left out of the blue, that would be easier to deal with than being hurt and angry. Wondering why someone who loves you would want to abuse you, hoping that if I know the why maybe I can magically fix it or him.

It's not my job to fix him and there is nothing to fix anymore. I can never trust someone who over and over and over again abuse me, fail to support me when I needed him the most, yet wants me to provide unwavering support and love for him. I hate him, and this hate makes me sad. I don't want to hate him because somehow, deep down, I know he cares about me in his own twisted way. But I can't I have to look out for myself and take care of myself. I can't give him another chance to hurt me again.

There is 7 billion people on earth, it's just 2 people Joy. You've only met 2 assholes, they are not everyone, and certainly they are not the majority.

Small steps today, makes a huge impact tomorrow

I grew up in an emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive household. The funny thing about abuse is there are always some good times. It's not always bad. But the bad happens a lot and it's awful. I go to school with scars, some can be seen, others cannot.

I refuse to do my homework at school because of the troubles at home. I was told by teachers that I was lazy, stupid, and useless. They would tell the other kids not to befriend me because I will somehow "transfer" my laziness to them. I was bullied by the kids and beat up by the teachers for not doing my homework. And when I go home, I get to face the same treatment from my mother or my mostly absent poker face father who has no interest in our business except reading his paper.

I know what it's like to be scared, helpless, and hurt. And I know what monsters look like and sound like. As I grew up, the scars become less apparent. In high school, teachers are no longer allowed to beat us up. The beatings at home become less frequent due to my mother's unstable mental state and I stood up for myself when she tries to hit me.

However the abuse never stop. It just changed from something everyone can see to something that only I can feel. I was called names, threaten, and have my self value destroyed growing up believing I was worthless and stupid. My mum once told me that I don't deserve to have any friends because I was a difficult, ungrateful child, whom she shouldn't have had. She could have use all her money to travel instead of staying at home and raising us.

I was depress since I was 12. I wanted to end my life and always fantasize about dying. I would lie in bed most of the time staring at the ceiling wondering when I will die. I didn't want to stop living, I just want the pain to end.

Most of my extended family were unkind towards me. Name calling was common and I could not remember once that they were proud of me for something. There were exceptions and I am glad for those who loved me and stood by me and offer me support and believed me when I told them what I have to live with.

Everyone thought we were a happy family. It was a nightmare I would never wish upon anyone. My only way to get out was to go to college far away. I took my chances and ran the first chance I get. I wish I can say that my journey ends there and I live happily ever after.

I went through 4 years of hell confused and lost. I went to therapy for 4 years and it was probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I had to walk myself back from hell to where I am today all the while with people who were unkind and refuse to believe me. But with every mean spirited person who came around to beat me down, there was at least two kind and understanding person who came and stood by me.

And last Saturday, I have to come to a realization that the person I have been in a relationship with was doing the exact same thing that put me in my own hell and I refuse to let him. I didn't get to choose my parents and I didn't have the means to leave them, but I won't subject myself to these treatments again. I didn't come this far to go back to where I started. I am grateful for everyone who ever came to my side and told me it wasn't my fault and lend me a hand, a shoulder, or their ears. I wouldn't be alive today and I wouldn't have had the courage to defeat my inner demons and stood up for myself this time.

Looking back at how far I've come, those hard work and hard times I have to go through were not a waste.  I still remember walking into therapy the first day because I wanted someone to save me from myself. I told Christy my life can never be normal and I will never enjoy the simple things in life because I can never regain what I lost. She look me dead in the eye and told me " I've been to hell, and I came back, you will enjoy the rainbows someday, if you don't believe yourself, at least believe me for now".