Shit Happens

Shit happens. There are shitty people, shitty situations, and just shit in general. Building a tolerance for it over the years have helped. However, from time to time, you get to experience doodoo that is a little bigger, nastier, and smell far worst than the one's you've encounter in your life.

The worst kind of shit is the preventable type. The type cause by shitty people making shitty choices doing shitty shit towards you. You have no control over this shittyness besides being given a choice. A choice to jump into the shit pile and fling shit back and forth with said shitty people or ... get out of their reach, go home, take a shower and wear a hazmat suit next time you see them (best option is to never see them again).

Although there are pros in jumping in the shit pile and start flinging shit at these shitty people (which is usually the first instinct). Flinging shit with shitty people who doesn't have a problem covering themselves in shit does little to affect them. It only tires you out, makes you smell like crap, and have you covered in all their shit.

There are situations where the only good option is to come out on top and let people stay in their filth. It's hard, it's not fair, but I can't spend any of my time or effort flinging crap at them just to prove them wrong. I know they are wrong, they know they are wrong. That's good enough for me. Knowing that shitty people will eventually swallow their own shit due to spending prolong hours in a shit hole which would eventually give them ebola is good enough for me (my kind of karma!).

I'd rather go out and live my life instead of being upset and stop because of them. I didn't go through so much and live this long to fling poop at someone over miniscule bullshit. Here, have your win. It's difficult enough arguing with someone who is stupid, let alone someone who is on a serious power trip and can fill all the septic tanks in WA with one sentence.

Time

Looking back at old facebook pictures and friends, its great yet shocking what can happen in 2 years. People get married, get divorced, have kids, have more relationships, moved. It's sad but it's true.

Friend who have done all of that in a short 2 years. I don't know how they do it. And I wonder what would happen to me 2 years from now. Would I be happy? Would my circumstances have changed for the better? Or would I be one of those people on a fast track to misery?

My whole life I just wanted to be happy and stay happy. First part is easy, second part is a lot harder. You can't stay happy forever, something is bound to happen and shake your boat. I guess I just want to stay happy a little longer. Am I happy now? Yeah for the most part, besides school and prac, I am happy. I could be happier if I can get a job and forget about prac or school.

I guess I am just wondering how long will this happy last. Nothing ever does, and it's always going to go bad whether you like it or not. I am just tired and I should sleep. That asshole laughing like he has a dick stuck in his mouth outside need to shut up.

When curiosity kills the cat

There are some people that are not meant to be in your life. Curiosity does kill the cat, or in some cases shits in your heart and your mind. Sitting at a busy restaurant, laughing, having a good time, seeing all the familiar faces and how everyone is happy, the connection and friendship. Turning to my left and watching how someone I love who love me equally just as much is smiling and laughing and looking at me with a twinkle in his eye. It makes me realize this is where I want to be. This is where I belong.

It's not that I want to go back to that shitty hell or ever dream of reliving it. The parting was so painful, so empty and so hollow without resolution nor reason that I wanted something. An ending. I don't know if knowing why would helped. I guess all I wanted was an apology, and admittance that I was wronged that he shit on one of the best thing that ever happen to his life. I just want to see him suffer and pay for the pain that he caused me.

But reading alphabets that I know were typed by that very monster makes me sick. It makes my stomach churn and upsets me and leaves a horrible taste in my mouth. It robs me of what I have now. I deserve to be happy, to be treated right and I got it and I have to protect it from scoundrels like him.

To hear him say how regret he is of what he did and that seeing me happy makes him happy, it just makes me sick. If you are so regretful how about an apology? How about paying me back? How about sending my stuff back? Nothing. I don't give a shit how you feel I could care less if you die from this supposed guilt you spoke of. Should I be empathetic and feel for you because you feel guilty? Fuck off. You left me with a fake engagement ring and that's one thing, to come back and insult me by expecting some form of sympathy, you gotta be kidding.

Stay the fuck away from me. You can shove that $700 dollars up your ass or use it to repair your mum's goddamn roof. My clothes? Next time when you are shoving your own fist up your ass you can bite on them. Of all the people that died, I wish God took you instead of Robbie Williams.

There are two reasons why some people are no longer in your life, they never wanted to be there or you kick them out and they deserve to stay there.

What I've learned in my undergrad years

  When I first received my acceptance letter from William Jessup University (WJU) I was elated. I couldn't believe that I was accepted into college in California. I have never been to America or anywhere in the west. It was a start of an exciting journey. I would dream of all the exciting things I would learn and all the new found knowledge I will be imparted with. I would be so much closer to God.

As embarrassing it is for me to admit, when I was 16 I found religion. I was a fanatic for Jesus and I wanted to be a pastor. Yeah.... Well I was glad it was a phase, a phase that lasted a little over 3 years.

So here I am young and stupid ready to go to Bible College so that I can retain more knowledge and spread the word of Jesus to every ignorant and unbelieving heathen out there. I was sure I would learn so much about the bible I would be able to quote it on top of my head.

It's 2014, I've graduated 2 years ago with an undergrad degree in Psychology instead of Pastoral Ministry/Youth Ministry. I always said that I've learn nothing at WJU and it was the closest piece of shit someone called a school I've ever seen. Well, that's not entirely true (the learning part).

1. Being an ignorant, bible bashing bigot doesn't make you special in the eyes of Jesus. It makes you "special" in the eyes of everyone else. So special that their fist is instantly attracted to your face.
2. Having a strong religious believe does not give you the right to insult, discriminate, or hurt people who don't share your believes.
3. Being tolerant and respecting others for who they are is a lot more important than following a bunch of rules in a 2000 year old book. 
4. I am a strong individual who should live my life the way I want and be happy instead of trying to fit in and be accepted by a group of people who tells you what to do and how to live.
5. Instead of being a proxy for an organization/ a small group of people to forward their agenda, I can think for myself and make choices accordingly. 
6. I don't have to make certain choices because I feel like it is what "God" wants. I can make decisions base on empirical facts, personal experience, expert advice, and personal preference. I don't have to feel judged for what I do or what I choose and I can be who I am and accept myself for what I am.
7. I don't have to live my life to please an invisible being and neglect my own wants, needs, and feelings.
8. I don't need a group of people to be involve in my decisions on personal matters. What I do with my body parts should not be any of their business. Instead of loving, supporting me, and respecting me, they judged me and shunned me. These negative feelings came about because I was associated with them. Ending said association will not end the ridicule, however I no longer have to be afraid of hell or enticing the wrath of God. 
9. The need to believe in something was important to me when my life was out of control and I lack the tools to deal with it. After overcoming those difficulties, I realize the only believe that I need is that I can make a difference in this world. 
10. I don't need to hide behind an organization to feel accepted. Self-acceptance is the first step. Religion stopped me from accepting myself for who I am because I wasn't the "model" church goer. By letting go of religion, I was able to fully love myself for who I am and be the person I want to be without hating myself or judging myself for being a normal human being.
11. Forgiveness is important but it is not a cure for all situations. There is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation and it's okay if you don't want to forgive. 
12. Quoting bible verses when someone is emotionally hurting or in need of support is not helping. It is the least supportive thing you can do. Offering to pray for them is just as futile. A hug and lending an ear can do so much more.
13. Introducing religion while someone is sharing a problem with you is rude, inconsiderate, and self-centered. Trying to forward your agenda while others are hurting is the last thing anyone wants
14. You can be a good, generous, giving, kind person without religion. Religion does not dictate your moral compass. You do. 

All the important life lessons I've learned at WJU. I learned so much it's impossible to put down every single thing. I learned a lot, it's just not what I thought I'd learn. Part of me is glad that I went to a hellhole like WJU, I learned so much and became the person that I am today. However, part of me wished I never went there due to all the horrible shit I saw there and have to go through.I never became a cool Pastor, casting out demons and preaching hellfire and brimstone. I became more, I became a better person.

Some people

   As I sit here stewing in my anger because I felt like an idiot because a prick tried to used me, it reminds me of the song Sweet Dreams by Eurythmics. Everyone is looking for something in this world, some wants to use you, some would want to abuse you. It just angers me that people could used other people as if they are a piece of napkin.

    It's sad and disheartening sometimes when I am reminded of how screwed up our world can be. Being used makes you feel worthless, soulless, and even useless. Just the mere idea that someone is attempting to do that makes my blood boil. It feels like you're not a person to them, you don't exist, you are merely there to serve them. If and when that is over, they will kick you out of their lives and move on as if you're a bag of trash.

   I don't understand why people do it. Convenience? Lack of empathy? Lack of parental guidance? The fact is even without these people our world is bad enough as it is. Why can't we all be nice to each other and have some respect and decency to one another? For the very least treat each other like a human being and acknowledge that they are not here on earth to make you happy.

  Having to see this person every day and night does not help. And the fact that I never get a chance to give him a piece of my mind makes it worst. I know my energy is better spend elsewhere, but I guess I am still hurt by the fact that he thought he could just used me.

   I try to remind myself that people are not against me, they are for themselves. Maybe just maybe he's so broken that I should feel sorry for him instead of anger. That he lack such simple human decency that he doesn't know how to treat other people.

  On top of all this, having a bloody drama queen running around yapping doesn't help. I guess I am just stress and every dipshit that has been running around is getting on my nerves. Hypocrites who don't follow what they preach and gossipy men... when I see them I am getting a ticket on the ahelllotofno train heading to fuckiamoutofhereland.

Shadows

    Starting a new chapter of your life is exciting. Everything is new, a new beginning, new friends, new school, new environment. You'd think everything will go smoothly, but somehow, somewhere, in some corner, there's your shadow. Reminding me that I could never be too cautious. That I will always have to watch every step I take, every move I make, because if I don't the consequences could be dire.

    There are times when you are more than a shadow in my thoughts. There are times where you latch on to my mind and wouldn't let go like a virus. Attacking everything that is good in my thoughts and reminding me why everything went wrong and blaming me for everything.

    I want to let go, but I can't. Part of me is too scared, part of me just wants to pretend you're not there. I hate it, I hate how you still have a hold on my thoughts, part of my mind, part of my life, and part of me. I just want to move on. I know you're one of a kind, so cruel that it would be a damn miracle to bump into another you in a life time. But I can't risk it.

     It took me 6 months to stop crying and get back on my feet. It'll take a while for me to get rid of you and that's okay. If people don't love me enough to understand that, than they shouldn't be around. Those who matter won't mind, those who mind don't matter. 

Drawing the line

It's okay to have strong convictions about something. All of us have strong opinions about something whether its politics, social issues, animal rights, cars, sports or religion. Most of us know how to toe the line and be respectful but some people just love to get all up in other people's faces.

I don't call your hobby stupid simply because I do not engage in it. I let you talk, nod, smile, ask questions and respect that it is your hobby not mine. Accepting the fact that you have an area of interest does not mean I am giving up any part of myself nor does it mean I will implode. Some people just don't seem to understand that.

It's not a hard concept. It's your time, your energy, your mental space that whatever you are engaging in is taking hold of, not mine. So why feel offended when I happen to have my own thing going? Just because it's different or against your *coughs religion. Okay, I am bias here simply because I have never met anyone with a hobby so intense that they're determine to shove it down my throat.

I have try my best to be nice and play nice and ignore whatever shit storm that may come. I know I have a strong aversion towards religiosity that's why I work extra hard to understand where the other person is coming from.

Sadly, if whatever I happen to bring up illicit some form of wrath from your unknown god and you feel strongly that he has bestowed upon you the calling to inform me of it, it's not okay. I don't walk up to you and tell you what a pea brain you are for believing in what you believe and give you a long lecture on Darwinism because A) what the fuck do I know? I might be wrong. B) Who am I to say that you are not benefiting from what you believe? C) How is your religion any of my business? D) Being rude to you does nothing but show what a savage idiot I am because I don't know how to interact with people who believe in different things.

I don't need someone to get all up in my business. It is very uncomfortable to be around someone whom you know judges your every move as if he is god himself. I don't mind if you want to act all perfect if you actually are. The fact is you're a rotten brat who rationalize every wrong doing with "I'm not perfect"

For a lack of a better word, I am disgusted. I may not believe in a deity but I do believe in being a good human being. I may not have a holy book to refer to but I know what it means to respect other people for what they are. I may not have a creed to hold on to, but I know what it means to be honest to people who care about you.

Some say it might have something to do with being young and stupid. I say it has something to do with lack of common sense and simple human decency.

23rd March 2014

It still hurts when I see your face pop up on facebook. I am stupid, I haven been going through this ritual of blocking you and unblocking you. Hoping it would hurt less with each cycle.

I realize my life has just begun after you left. I have friends, I have social things to go to, I have school, I have a life. But for some reason, I am still hung up about what happen. Maybe not so much you, but more about how I felt.

When we were together I have no life outside of you. Every day life was about spending time with you and doing things together. I have no friends, no social events, no alone time, nothing.... you were my crutch just as I am yours.

The separation was for the better. I guess we both saw it coming, you were more realistic whereas I just want to pretend everything was alright. I just wish the break up was more amicable. You were an asshole, not because you were a bad boyfriend. You're an asshole because you refuse to sent my stuff back, pay me back the money you owe me, and gave me a fake engagement ring.

I hate you not because you broke up with me. I hate you because you lied to me and refuse to apologize for being an asshole. People move on and leave, it hurts, but what makes it worst is the way you do it.

The fact that it hurt so much is because I trusted you. I thought no matter what happen we would at least have some respect for each other as human beings and not stoop to such levels. You did eventually moved and so did I.

I am finally doing something that makes me happy. I am going to school for my master's degree just like the way I want it. You moved to England just like you've always wanted. I want to be happy for you but I can't. Not after the way you treated me. Until the day when I look at your picture and feel sorry for you, wondering why a sorry piece of excuse like you was so unfortunately brought to earth, I might be able to wish you well. 

Friend zone

Friend zone is a phenomenon when a women treats you nothing more than a friend when you wanted something more. It's a peculiar place, or a bad place according to most people.

Peculiar simply because I've seen people escape the friend zone by patiently staying in it and crawl out of it inch by inch. But for every victory there is a thousand defeats. Anyone who have been in the friend zone knows how hard it is. You invest your time, effort, hope, and so on not knowing if you'll ever get to be more than friends. No wonder most people quit before they even try.

It's hard being in a place where you can't escape, it's even worst when you have to deal with this person on a daily basis. Men always wonder why they are being friend zoned, often blaming women for their demise. Yes there are women who would put good men in friend zone and date assholes.

However the majority of women are simply not interested for other reasons. In my most honest opinion I believe most men put themselves in the friend zone without knowing it. When we say we want to date a nice gentleman, most of us mean it.

That means we are looking for someone who cares about us not just what we are. What do I mean by that? I have men who ascribes feelings for me without asking me how I feel about things. They would assume that is how I feel or should feel and make choices accordingly completely ignoring the fact that I am a living breathing human being. If I do voice up, most would be nice enough to listen while a small portion of these men would shut me down and tell me that's not how I "should" feel. Why shouldn't I friend zone men like this? Heck they are lucky they are in friend zone and not in the ass hole zone.

It's hard to say no nicely. There is no way to completely eliminate the sting of rejection. We usually try to be nice and say it the nicest possible way and I know it's hard no matter how easy we try to let you down. I start thanking whatever deity I feel like believing that day for friend zoning men who takes rejection badly like a butt hurt 6 year old boy. I have guys who feel the need to pass rude judgements about me or reject me in some other way to get even because I didn't want to go out with them. And yet these particular men would tell me how I am single and not dating because I friend zone good men like .... ahem... wait for it... them. Yeah, you're so awesome that a no sends you flying off the handle....

I guess what I am trying to say is be nice and don't try to get even or be mean to people who turn you down nicely. Chances are, they just don't want to waste your time, money, and effort. You should thank them for being honest with you and either move on or try harder. Trying to get even or being mean only proves them right. Take the high road and be an adult, instead of wasting your time hating on people who friend zone you, you can use that time to meet someone new.

It's been awhile

You know there are moments when you think you're over something, and you think you're ready to move on only to realize you are still not over it.

I have come a long way ever since he left. But to say that I've completely move on is just a lie. I don't cry myself to bed anymore, I can watch South Park, play video games, and do the things I enjoy without having a meltdown.

I thought that was it, I am done, I am over it and I can finally move on. Moving on would have been a more accurate term. I've done it, am doing it, will do it eventually. I just realize all this time, almost everything I do was trying to fill that void that was created when he left. It still hurts, and I don't really know if you ever get over things like that but I have come pretty far.

I have made an effort to live the life I want and the way I want it and for that I am glad. I guess I can look at my progress as a silver lining and know that it could only get better from here.

I don't miss him, I miss having a best friend, having someone you can talk to about anything, someone you thought who would be there no matter what, someone you thought would not stab you in the back, someone you thought was different.

But I guess sometimes it takes a good whack from reality to be realistic and a little cynical about things. And I guess it's not always bad, it makes you see things more clearly.

Feeling Old

Being brave and moving on, I realize how much I've change. I guess it comes with age, I don't know. I am more chill, I worry less, and I just try my best to live the life that I want instead of thinking about it.

Knowing what I want and what I need, and the difference between the two. Wise enough to walk away from things that are not helpful to me in the long run and investing my time in things that matter. Not letting people waste my time, knowing that it is the most important resource that all of us are given.

Our life is made up of what we do in little insignificant moments. Spending time on things, activities, and people that won't enrich or add to our lives is just a waste of time. to live life to the fullest, you can't spend time on things that only takes away from your life and expect it to be meaningful.

If something is worth it, it will be there when all else fails.

Men and their willies

Ok, so I've been wanting to write this for awhile but wasn't sure if I should. I like to make sure things are what it is before I make a decision or pass any judgement. Men and their willies, through out my life I've dated and met enough of these creatures call "men" that the worst of them no longer surprises me.

Every time when I say that I might have seen it all, they surprise me. It is as if it's a direct challenge to my declaration of having seen them all. I've heard about it, but this is the first time I met a sore looser who got upset because he couldn't get what he wants.

I feel bad that you are upset, I try to make the best out of it and even made up. But hey, you just want pay back because it's my fault that you have no game. Men and their willies, if I have one I could probably relate. I've dated the worst of the worst bunch (fake engagement ring) and this just came as a surprise to me.

I thought we were all suppose to be adults considering the fact that you are 2 years shy of the big 30. But I guess I was wrong. I just thought we had a good thing going, why can't we bloody be friends ? Simply because you are butt hurt. .

The fact that we shop at the same place, go to classes in the same building, and live in the same general area (thank god we don't live in the same apartment) is just awful. If I don't have to bump into you at least once a day, fine... sulk all you want. Fact is you have decided to punish me by being mad and making things awkward.... well I guess you don't care if anyone knows. Heck I don't even know what you told your flatmate. If weird looks can paint, I am sure it's gonna be better than Picasso.

I am just mad that you blame everything on me. Imagine how I feel, knowing that all the while, you were being nice with an agenda. AND YET, I still try to make up to soften the awkwardness. There is no reasoning with someone who is being defensive and passive aggresive.

Hotshot, sorry I have to stomp your ego and let you know that not everyone is dying to sleep with you. I just thought a men of your age would be able to differentiate fantasy from reality. That friendship when down the shit hole not because of me, but because someone assume that people would want to sleep with them over a movie and got butt hurt when they say no and cannot swallow their ego and have to blame other people for it. No wonder you're single.

Roller Coasters

Roller Coasters, never like them and probably never will. My life for the past year have been filled with ups and downs. The downs were very very "downs" and the ups were "meh" at best. Uneventful would be the word I use to describe it.

There were moments when I was so depress, life felt pointless. And then there were times when I vow to make my life better. And of course there were times when I wonder if any of my hardwork is worth it at all, if quitting and simply giving up would serve me better. I am still on the roller coaster of life whether I like it or not. I may not embrace it on every loop or turn, but I do what I can and I've learn that sometimes that's more than enough.

I am grateful during moments of desperation and despair, I had good people by my side. They make time for me, listen to me, and love on me. I would not be where I am without them and I want them to know that, I am not a self made women. I never was, people who love me help me get to where I am.

I am moving to Australia in less than two weeks, and how things are going to get paid is still a mystery. I guess sometimes, you just have to close your eyes and enjoy the ride. You may not know how steep the next turn is or how high the next loop may be, but you know it's coming and unless you plan on jumping off the roller coaster and meeting dear lord jesus immediately, you don't have much of a choice.

What I want to say is, I don't think I would be able have as much optimism, joy, and even happiness without these amazing people. Roller coasters may be scary, but knowing that you're not alone on the ride makes a huge difference

Don't Be Surprise When It's Too Late

Most important thing in life I've learn so far is kicking the assholes in your life to the curb and doing everything you can to keep the ones who love you close. Relationships typically do not change over night. They rarely do. It takes a long time and a lot of bullshit to land you on my "you're dead to me list" but some people inevitably do.

A person can only take so much crap in a relationship before they call it quits. It is generally a good idea to walk away after it happens instead of fucking with them behind their back. Best friends for more than 10 years, she was the first person I look up to. The first person I care about more than myself. I still remember the first time I laid my eyes on that particular plushie parrot. It was gorgeous, it had all kinds of colors. We were allowed to buy one (our supreme leader aka "Grandma" was in a good mood ) I wanted the parrot so bad, but they only had one. I pick it up and gave it to you, instead I pick up a boring cheetah for myself and told you it was ok.

Over the years many things happen. So many I lost count, some were my fault, some were a result of being in a "concentration camp", and then some were yours. I don't blame you for what happen when we were kids. We didn't know better and you were just trying to do your best. I still remember the first time you threaten me, you refuse to let me go downstairs to eat because I mess up your bed. I don't know if that happen after or before I got tired of your bullshit. I remember being really young crying and telling you how much I care about you and gave you things that I want badly yet you act like an ass. You were nice to me after that, I don't know for how long. I don't remember, but it didn't last.

Some say I dwell on the past too much, you would definitely say that. Excuses is your middle name. For everything that happen you have a perfectly good "reason" for it. I put up with you because you were the only family I had, and I thought that was the best I deserve. I am tired after all the recent shit you pull, that's my reason. I am tired, tired of your excuses, insincere apologies, and shitload of hypocrisy.

You talked about your wedding and even ask me about the arrangements and even ask me if I would be your bridesmaid, only to turn around and invite your friends who you barely knew to do the job. That was just the last bullshit I was willing to deal with. No wait, your half ass apology filled with nothing but excuses was the last straw. After having to maintain this fuck up relationship with you for so many years, it felt like I have been friends with a drunk. Who lied, cheat, and say whatever the hell they want to get a drop of liquor. You're worst, I actually wish you did all of that for booze. You just want what you want. 

I walk away peacefully and try to maintain minimal contact and be civil. But there's a funny thing about back stabbing, the back stabbee will eventually find out about it. The best part is having to hear you spew more bullshit out of your mouth when you married a lazy poor ass ugly cunt and leaving our parents that you "so love" to rot after you got an "awesome" job that pays you in shinny British pounds. They paid for your bloody degree, you could at least use your bird brain and pay back that money.

I can already hear you making up excuses in my head right now. Our relationship didn't start out this way, but it did end this way. I can't waste anymore of my time on a relationship like this, I deserve better and you're just not worth it anymore. Don't be surprise because I am moving on without you, you saw this coming.

The good times were good, wasn't a whole lot of them but they were there and I will always remember them. But I have to go because I can't do this anymore. I can't be around a mean, lying, unsupportive, backstabbing cunt. There are probably more unpleasant adjectives out there that I can describe you with but I am sticking with these ones for now. Goodbye, it's been great knowing you.

Review of 2013

We're all hype about new year's resolution, some of us have achieved what we want year after year while others recycle what they had from the previous year which was probably recycled from the previous previous year. For me, it has been the same since 3 years ago. Meet people who encourage, inspires, and make me a better person; get rid of people who are negative, unproductive, only take but never give, and those who makes me feel depress and hopeless.

I recycled it for so many years not because I did not achieved it, but because I did. Growing up in an abusive home and having to move around a lot, friends come and go and family is hardly around. I needed good people to teach me what life was about. I needed more than friends, I need role models. I was glad that I've met amazing people over the years as I actively seek them out and avoid destructive people.

Growing up in a chaotic home, chaos is what I got use to. Peace, love, security doesn't feel normal for me. I seek out destructive relationships like a missile seeking a homing signal. I still do, that's why I needed a constant reminder to remind me what to do.

I have been vastly successful in 2013 in seeking out nice good mentoring people. But sometimes, those who share your pain is very attractive. To share your pain, to talk about how hopeless and pointless life is, and before you know it you may just be making a suicide pack if you're not careful. I feel bad letting such relationships go. They are nice people who care about me and have been kind. But I have gain nothing from them but anger, hopelessness and bitterness.

I guess writing is a way to ease my guilt. I feel guilty leaving people when they need "help". I am co-dependent, I love crazy people who doesn't want to help themselves. A constant reminder that I cannot stay objective around such people and that I need to stay away for my own good helps. Doesn't stop me from feeling sad and wanting to hug them and tell them I'll be there for them. It stops me from doing it and saying it. I think that's pretty good.

I've learn to not date people I fall in love with. I have issues, I don't always fall in love with the most upstanding person. I now know that you don't have to pursue a relationship with someone because you love them. Walking away doesn't stop you from thinking about it or even loving them, it stops you from making a stupid decision and having your heart broken. I never regretted those decisions simply because we make the worst choices when we approach a problem with desperation and impulse. If you cannot face a relationship objectively, you shouldn't make decisions about it. And as Sara Siddle from CSI says, not making a decision is a decision in itself. Understanding that what I need rarely aligns with what I want, and what I need is usually more important than what I want.  I had good people in my life who would remind me what's good and what's not. Thank you to all my role models and people who shower me with love and show me what's normal. 2013 was a slow year, a break from the crazy life I am about to face in 2014. Thank you friends, keep doing what you do and don't stop reminding me how silly I look in neon pink :)

Christmas, New Year's and a profound realization.

For the pass month, time flew by me. I miss many opportunities to challenge myself, meet new people, or enjoy life. I was binging on mmorpgs. I have stayed away from them since last year as I know it's not something for me. But the hype pull me back in. Before I know it, I've spend 60$ on a game I know I will not enjoy past a certain point.

MMORPG has been a big part of my life. I have been playing it since I was 16. I was at times addicted. When life throws me a curve ball and I lack the tools to deal with it, I hid. I hid in an imaginary world with other not so imaginary people trying to escape life. Some were there for social reasons, others simply for the game. Most of these people I met were depressed and lonely and I was one of them.

My life was so chaotic growing up that I needed a place to go. I do not have the means or resources to leave physically so I hid in a place where I wasn't being abuse, I wasn't alone, and I was something. I met people, nice people. They were the only things that kept me sane. I would be depress when I couldn't play the game, and all these people that I have somehow "met" through the game were my only friends and family. And when that was all said and done and people move on, I lost the only thing I had. The game was my everything and I was beyond addicted. I spend every waking hour thinking about it and every conversation talking about it. When my parents threaten to take that away from me, I threaten to hurt myself. I was serious, it was the only thing I had.

After so many years, I can say understanding the appeal of such games help. I am no longer attracted to these games to the point of addiction. But the relationship aspects still bothers me. Maybe because online friendships is a little different than real life. In an online world, you can be friends this moment and enemies the next. I have cried over broken relationships over the internet in the past as I am a sentimental and tend to treat online relationships like those of real life.

The fact that such things change in a split second bothers me, I don't know how to regulate or what to do with it. You hear their voices, see their picture, some times even skype. But at the end of the day, it is an illusion of a real relationship. I have to constantly remind myself that I never met these people in real life, and what we have is a hologram of a real relationship. It's hard. We're made for relationships and it's hard not to jump to that and treat them like anyone else you met.

It's like letting a homeless man smell, see, and touch a delicious meal but they are not allowed to eat it. Essentially, mmos are nothing but a skinner box. A box that enslaves the rat and make it do what the inventor wants. I always go into mmorpgs with the mindset that I do not want to make friends or have anything to do with other people because when those relationship fades (they always do, either due to real life commitment, guild change, game change, or minute game problems) you're left wondering, do I even know you? what are we? Maybe I need to stop labeling my relationships, maybe that's my problem.

I have enough social interaction in real life that I do not need the social aspect of MMOs. But it is impossible to avoid it as I am a very social person. After one month of not seeing the sun and missing out on real life, I was shock at how happy, relieve and glad I was when I went out with a friend for a whole day and met some very nice new people. It was refreshing to see people with a filter (people online say whatever they want), manners, and try to put their best foot forward. It felt normal.

Online people don't typically care about other people. They don't care if they offend you and threw all social courtesy out the window. Real life, people are not usually assholes. You see the better side of people. And I think with my sensitive and good nature, that just works out better for me.

Leaving an mmo is like breaking up. You feel sad, you'll miss it, but you know it's for the best. Wondering whether quitting is a mistake and missing out on the gear and level makes you want to go back. But it's something you feel like you HAVE to do. Not something you WANT to do. Sometimes, it feels like you'll let some of the people you met down. But if the tables were turn, they would probably leave in a heartbeat. I am the sentimental one, and I need to learn to compartmentalize better and remind myself these people don't give a rat's ass about me. it's just a game and the only reason we even talk is because the skinner box requires more than one rat to operate it so we can all get our fix.