A positive spin?

I am usually cynical and have no time for positive bullshit. It only works on people who wants to pretend and look good for everyone else and hide in their closets and cry. But just thinking about what happen in my life I realize I date disgusting losers even when they physically repulses me.

I still remember the first time I met Thomas. I thought he was gross and "ughhhhhh". But instead of smiling and being polite and move on, I decide to assure him that he is not ugly and continue to pursue a relationship with him because I felt bad that he was born "unlucky". GIRL! That is not your problem. How he feels about himself or how he looks isn't your problem. You're not the romantic version of mother Theresa!

You don't go around dating ugly losers with jobs that can't even pay their own rent to make them feel better about themselves. It is not your responsibility to make their life better. After that horrible break up, I vow to myself that I will never date someone who repulses me and makes me wonder why I would stoop so low below my league. And for that I am proud of myself. I still remember having that same feeling when C ask me on a date while he was drunk at a party. My first reaction was, what kind of idiot ask me out on a date while he is drunk and getting handsy with me? He must have miss the lessons on being classy.

Turn him down so fast before he could string together another poorly constructed sentence. Of course he insisted on going on a date with me the next day and I had that very same feeling I had when I first saw Thomas --- "ughhhh, omg, nooo, gross". And for the first time in my life, I follow my gut and honored and acknowledge my own feelings and turn him down nicely and bluntly.

His response was typical of a butt hurt 10 year old -- I was friend-zoning him. Soon after he realize I was dating his housemate, he began to call me fat, insult what I wear and slip in insults in conversations every chance he gets. THATS when I realize if I would have done that with all the other ugly losers I put up with, I would have seen their true colors much much sooner.

So yeah, I need to stop making other people happy and start being nice to me. I shouldn't overcome my nausea of looking at someone's face for the sake of their self esteem when the last thing they give a shit about is me. There is a reason why some people are single and no one wants to date them. It's rarely because they are unlucky, it is usually because they are creepy assholes, who have nothing to offer internally and physically repulsive.

Yes I notice I may sound "mean". Outward appearance is not everything and I am not that shallow to judge a person by how they look. However, if you're not that attractive on top of being a dickwad, it lowers your chances of anyone wanting to be around you significantly.

Those things aside, I want to be with someone that I can look at and smile without trying to hold down my vomit. The truth is, I went with my gut on my last relationship and he didn't repulse me and he didn't make me feel creep out.

However, when he started being controlling and abusive, I let it slide. Because my expectation was that normal people respond to kindness and forgiveness very differently than someone who is abusive. I treated him like a normal person when in fact he is nothing but abusive. He have no respect for me, make fun of me with his friends. I was their entertainment because being brown from a 3rd world country with shitty English and a reputation of abusing women was far better than me being whatever that I am. I never figure out what their problem is with me. Is it because I am not brown? Because I am Asian? Or is it because they are just a bunch of rotten uneducated and unsuccessful adults that they need to take out their frustration on someone else? I don't know, and frankly it doesn't matter anymore.

Well since we're talking about lessons we learn from past relationships, after dumping him, I realize if a guy starts talking about his ex-girlfriends vagina with everyone in the car like it's the weather when you first met him, he's definitely not a nice person and a big jackass. If he brags about cheating on his ex-girlfriend and punching a mirror to intimidate and scare his mother, he probably will never grow an ounce of respect for anyone lacking a penis. Yes, everyone have feelings and I shouldn't be so cruel, maybe they mean well or they don't mean it in a bad way. Well who gives a shit? I am the one who have to listen to it and I am the one who have to carry the feeling of disgust after hearing those things, why should I compromise how I feel to let someone inflate their ego at the expense of other people's dignity? That is the very definition of cruel. 

Sabbathical

While binge watching Desperate Housewives and watching how four of the main characters overcome challenges in their life, I realize I have never been truly happy on my own. I would start off okay some place new being excited to meet people and jump head long into anyone who is willing to give me the time of day. I always use the excuse that I feel bad for them, so I date them. Surely they are just unlucky and some women can be horrible. Deep down I am sure this creepy looking looser is a Romeo waiting to be discover....

Nope. There is a reason why some people are "unlucky" with the ladies and get rejected all the time. Like creepy George from Desperate Housewives. Bree wanted to believe that he is not a psycho creep but in reality that's why he was a 40 year old virgin and no one wants to date him. The beginning of last year, for the first time in my life I turn down a creep and told him I am not interested despite my feelings of pity and wanted to date him because of that. He turn out to be an asshole and a total creep who drives a forklift. Best decision of my life.

I did end up dating someone who doesn't look like a looser and isn't creepy. Sadly, he was abusive and quit his job because he wanted to shop on boxing day. This whole break up thing brings all the pain from my last relationship to the surface. I cried more about how I was left with a fake ring, his cold demeanor, and how he told me I should have trusted him when he said he wasn't that great. That hurts more than being abuse and humiliated.

Before I even go anywhere or date another pig, best I find happiness on my own. At least then, would have an idea what I should be aiming for in a relationship. There is a reason why there isn't a line waiting to date you. Have a look at the mirror instead of crying friendzone like an entitled little bitch. Maybe because you're a creep with a shit job and a shit personality who treats women like handicap slaves.

The difference between choosing peace and being an enabler

Some people profess that they choose peace daily. Yogis, hippies, religious people, gurus and etc.

That's great and commendable. However when you masquarade peace to protect and stand with an abuser, you're not being peaceful, you're an enabler.

Yes I understand you choose not to get angry and "let it go" and be okay with it. But if you're going to continue on any relationship with this person and pretend like it never happen, what you're saying indirectly to him is that you're okay with the way he behave.

We all make choices for ourselves. Some of us choose to accept abuse (I did for a long time) and be "peaceful" but doesn't mean I have to stoop to your level and accept that kind of behavior. Just because you're happy riding a bike doesn't mean I can't set my sights on a BMW.

What it simply means is you have no standards for yourself and in the long run, allow these abusive people to continue their ways and in a subtle way promote it. I can't see the peace in subtly/covertly promoting abuse. There is definitely no point attempting to reason with someone who is okay to be abuse and enjoys it.

Cheerful positive outlook with butterflies coming out of one's ass

I've tried to be this positive cheerful person who sees the good in life and pin "emotional" quotes on pinterest and take pictures of my lunch and flowers on instagram. All it does is make me want to puke.

I can go on and pretend I am this person who likes to travel, cares about earthquakes and floods in impoverish countries, wake up with a smile and shooting butterflies out of my asshole. At one point in my life I thought I could feel just as positive if I pretend I am this happy person. It only last so long because that's not the real me.

I say screw it, I'd rather just be myself and let those people who puke rainbows and shit butterflies judge me for being "cynical" and "negative". Go take some pictures of your lunch before you forget. There is a reason why some of us don't post pictures of our coffee and lunches, we live our life instead of cataloging it. 

You have the magic positivity to turn a "negative" situation into a positive one ? Good for you. We all have our own ways to cope, for some of us its pretending to be a better person while cursing and crying when no one sees us, while the rest of us just out right tell them to fuck off and eat a bag of dicks.

I am sick and tired of even attempting to pretend I am this other person. No, Thomas Sibiga was a butthole for not having the balls to say why he is leaving. There is no good feelings that came from it and he is still a dickhole who gave me a fake ring. I hope he gets run over by a car and ends up a vegetable.

As for ex-scumbag, you're an abusive asshole and I am not even for a second going to pretend to be a better person. You deserve much much more than what I can dish out. At least you didn't give me a fake ring and have let me verbally rip you to pieces over and over again without putting much of a fight. That I have some respect for and it also makes your remorse slightly believable. Still hope you trip and fall off a flight of stairs and knock all of your teeth out.

Just reading how I set up my blog pretending to sound "positive" and be a better person after that Polish piece of crap left makes me sick. In that moment I tried to pretend to be something I am not and tried to be a better person in the situation. There is no better person to be in that situation. There isn't a good response towards a jackass who gave you a fake ring and lied about how he is moving somewhere else. There is no appropriate response besides that of asking him to shove a broom handle up his own ass.

So no, I am tired of pretending. There is no prize to win in being the better person. Yes a few hipsters might pad you on the back for being "positive" or good but they are not the one who have to go through all those feelings. If anything, they are just a bunch of spectators trying to tell you what's best for you. I say grab a few dozen eggs and smash some windows if that's what it takes. Want to fling some dog shit at their windows? hell go for it. The hipsters are not the one who had to fling the poop nor are they the ones who had to deal with these miserable assholes.

When people expect you to talk like "Harro, wercome, to china, you want fly llie?"

When we talk about racism, it's usually about black vs white people or latinos vs white. I have never heard of an argument about racism towards Asian people. I could be wrong but if it is out there, it's pretty rare. Asian people have feelings too, we may not be as vocal about the way we're being treated but it doesn't mean we're not dealing with it on a daily basis. Here's the kind of crap I deal with everyday, in 2008 to 2015 as an Asian woman with a traditional Chinese name on all my legal documents.

1. People slowing down their rate of speech when conversing in English with me for the first time

This tend to happen a lot when I meet someone new or when I receive telephone interviews. Potential employers assume my English is awful and would purposely slow down their speech. Yes we notice that little slowdown you did back there and also the little pause and shock on your face when we speak. I am so accustom to this I actually anticipate it.

When I attended my first lecture in California, one of my professor actually slowed down his speech so much I thought he was mentally challenge and responded in an equally slow rate. I later realize he was "normal" when he began his lectures.

2. Asian people are poor people from backward hillbilly countries.

Might be true 20 years ago, but not so much today. Again, there are way too many Asian people out there to assume "ALL" of them are poor. Just like any other race, there are rich, middle class, and poor people.

I have people who are shock that I can afford an education in California and couldn't pronounce "Malaysia" and didn't even know where it is. One of my former housemates thought everyone in Malaysia live in mud huts and hunt for food. "Wow, you have that in your country?" " So they ACTUALLY teach you English?" "Wait, so you have cable in your country and you watch American Idol?" I have receive a variation of those and it has become "normal" in a very weird and ignorant way.

3. The "blank" look they give you when you don't sound "asian"

There is a 50% chance every time I meet someone new they give me a blank stare after I introduce myself. What proceeds is them trying to "place" me. I have received this so many times in Australia I can literally tell when they give me the "I-don't-know-why-you-don't-have-an-asian-accent-and-I-don't-know-where-you-are-from-so-I-am-freaking-out" look.

I never get this crap in America even when I don't have an American accent. People treat me like people. Chill, I am not an alien, just because I dont tark rike dis doesn't mean I am not people. Me people too, me brood led.

4. "I bet they eat that in China.."

I bet they use to eat people in Europe you ignorant shit. What if they do? Not all of us are from China and not all of us are Chinese. It's like thinking that all white people are British. Just because you don't eat something doesn't mean you have to make fun of what other people eat. I don't make fun of American people eating McDonalds and looking like a burger, nor do I make fun of the Scottish for eating Haggis.

Yes we eat a lot of things that other people don't but you guys eat a lot of stuff we don't use to eat either like cheese, milk, pudding, donuts, pizza, and the list goes on. We do now because of globalization. You think your food is more "acceptable" simply because we eat it, well honey it still doesn't make that comment any less racist to imply that Chinese people eat all sort of shit in a derogatory manner.  

5. "I am not being racist or anything..."

Just shut up. Anything that comes after that comment is nothing good. If you need to say that before you say something, it's racist and you know it. I have people who start their sentence with this and tell me how all Asian people get into other people's faces and talk really close to their face. Uh don't know what kind of Asian you met, but never heard of that.

Or how Asian people can't drive, well go to Hong Kong ignorant twat, see if you can survive the traffic.

6. Pulling your eyes side ways to explain to me how different Asians have different eyes

I don't even know where to begin. So if your eyes are side ways you are Chinese, if they are slightly slanted you're Korean, and if it is really small you're Japanese. Please, can I slap you?

7. You know what Christmas is? And you celebrate it?

Yes we do. We may celebrate it differently without the turkey and cranberry sauce but rest assured we know what Christmas is and what Santa Claus is. We also give gifts during Christmas.

8. Addressing me "Ni Hao" instead of my name or saying hi

So the other day when I was on my way home, there were these two ignorant teens who decided to call me "ni hao" not as a way to say hello but as a way of addressing "a Chinese person" more like "that ni hao over there". I was so mad, I turn around and said "what is your problem you racist piece of shit?". Yeah they immediately gave me the look I mention in #3.

What I glean from my experience in Australia so far is that teenagers and children are very racist towards Asian people. I have had kids who threw things at me in K-Mart for being Asian. At least in America, they only think I live in a mud hut and make fun of the way I pronounce things.

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I am sure I didn't get all of them but that's the common ones that I have to deal with on a daily basis. Instead of pretending to be a ninja or know Kung Fu, if you don't know anything, just ask.

 

The Chronicles of Dating a Drunk, Jobless, Irresponsible Man-Child

"You don't trust me!" That was the end of it. I had enough of it and I wanted him gone. I was screaming inside my head "Of course I don't trust you! You get drunk and decided to verbally abuse me, tell anyone who would listen about our sex lives, call me derogatory names every chance you get. Oh on top of it, living on credit and spending money that isn't yours. You're right, I don't trust you. When a drunk, jobless, irresponsible person ask me to transfer $8,000 of my father's money into their bank account so they can earn some points, no.

It's not my money but hey, when have he learned to take no for an answer. Either you get what you want or you threaten me, just like how you threaten me with breakup when I said no to sex. And you get angry when I said all you ever wanted was to used me?

I use to have a morsel of respect for you, but not anymore. Sitting at casinos watching you gamble with money that isn't yours and frankly don't have. And when you run out, you ask me to withdraw my money so you can continue gambling. Loosing was always everyone's fault, the dealer, me being "unsupportive", me giving you bad vibes, and so on....

Every time you call me fat, stupid bitch, dumb bitch, whore, or any awful comments about how I am useless, it was my fault because I "made you angry". You would always apologize and then become extremely nice and the whole cycle would start again. You claim that you cared about me and love me, I have never met anyone who truly loves someone treat them like crap on a daily basis and only start acting like a respectable human being when they know they screw up.

Of course your friends love you and trust you, you don't call them names, borrow money from them to gamble, threaten them when they don't want to give you anything, they drink with you, and never have to deal with your angry outburst and blaming.

According to you that's normal because you have a "right" over me. First of all, I am a human being, no one has a "right" over me. I am not your pet, I am a person. Maybe they don't teach you to respect women in India but this is Australia. Go home if you can't accept the fact that you need to respect other people.

Because I might not want to have kids you were thinking about breaking up. First of all, you don't even have a job and you're on welfare. Maybe get one, grow up, learn how to be a decent human being, and then think about it.

The saddest thing is the fact that you keep calling me a nice person and how I am good and kind. I am, and sadly that is what you've been abusing. I am a very kind person, and you don't deserve my kindness. Because even though I forgive you for a lot of things, you have no intentions of changing. You just want to abuse my kindness over and over again like I am your personal slave that have to give into your demands and do what you want.

You showed up at my place drunk at 4am when I was getting ready to go to prac, screaming and yelling obscenities at me. And when I failed my prac, you got angry that I imply it might have something to do with you. Really? I cried my whole way to your house and the bus stop while you call me a bitch the whole way and told me how no one cares about me and I am useless. Good on you. 

Go back to India, because surely a country who's main problem besides poverty is misogyny would not have a problem with you beating women, calling them names, and expecting them to wait on you and be your servant. I don't need to be with someone where their glory days were in high school. When I think of the people who peak at high school, they are now drug dealers, loan sharks, and bogans.

You even went above and beyond and complaint that I don't clean your house. Am I your fucking maid? You and your housemates live in it. I don't. Do I ask you to come vacuum my living room? You never cared about anyone but yourself. On my birthday you bought your favorite cake and couldn't even be bothered to ask me what I want. You were more excited about cutting the cake than me. Every time when I want to watch a movie or do what I like together, you complain and make it sound like a chore that you've to endure. I got tired of it and just shut up and do what you like.

If you truly cared about me, you would've cared about how I feel and what I want, not just your own selfish needs. You are a rotten human being who should crawl back into your mother's womb. Surely she did a fantastic job raising an asshole like you to hurt other women.You think you can buy my forgiveness with an IPAD? Really? I can get one with my tax return alone or my savings. There are people who are 100 times more financially able than you who can't buy my forgiveness and you think this is all about stuff? You're either misguided or retarded.