2012 Review

Within an hour, the last day of 2012 will begin. Looking back at what happen this year, I've reach the highest peak of the mountains and decended to the depths of the valley.

I felt like the luckiest women alive, got engage and lost it all within 6 months. I visited eastern Europe and have tasted love and seen snowflakes. I've also have the opportunity to experience the lost of a planned future and learn to be grateful for what I have each and everyday.

It was hard to look back as I could not emotionally recall how good I felt when he ask me to marry him (thank you trusty brain ;) ). I guess my brain is still not ready to emotionally digest it. Nor am I able to recall the horrible feelings I felt when he left me. All that remains are the facts of what happened, its like my emotions were deleted over night. Not a bad thing as I believe my brain knows best and will bring them to light when the time is right.

I cried about my high school heartbreaks 6 years later lol. As long as you are true to your feelings no one can fault you on that. So what's my new year's resolution? Here are some of them!

1. Work out at least once a day
2. Keep an open mind and meet new people.
3. Make choices that makes me happy instead of others
4. Do what makes me happy and learn to be happy alone
5. Get my own place and move out :)

I try to remind myself these are merely goals not expectations. I've already plan to get myself a whiteboard and set daily goals to motivate and help me through my bad days. If I don't have a man to give me a reason to wake up everyday, I'll give myself a reason to!

I've seen too many people that hand over their lives to those who hurt them. He doesn't deserve to have power over any part of my life. I deserve to be love, to be happy, to do what I love with or without him.

Today was a good day, watched My Little Pony for the first time and loved it. Made me feel like I was reliving my childhood, save, happy, and cuddly. Now that I have more time, I am thinking of joining the gym, taking cooking classes, or college groups just to meet new people. I could possibly rekindle my old interest such as writting ( I attempt to wrote a novel once, got a lot of positive feedback), playing the piano, stitching, reading, puzzles, the posibility is endless.

I still miss the relationship, being able to hang out and have that connection. But until I can be happy on my own, no one can make me feel complete. I will simply end up suffocating the next guy that comes around. This whole time, life have been trying to teach me a lesson, that I need to change and sometimes, you just can't plan your life. You have to go with it and be positive, lift your head up high and make the best of it. Usually it is when I have the least that I am able to be thankful for the little things that I have.

2013, although I wish things would have been different, I am ready to face you and am excited to see what happens. 2012 will always be a memorable year, for better or for worst. Tonight, Jere and Crisi wanted me to be a part of their family and ask me if I would want to be their adopted daughter. It made me cry, if things work out with Thomas, I would never have the mum and dad that I do now. Thank you.

Maybe

There are many good people in my life. Falling in love and meeting someone that is great at a bad timing can be hard. You try your best to stop yourself from going down that road, because you know you are not emotionally ready.

Although I no longer cry about it, it still hurts. Knowing that he never intended to move and all the lies he told to get what he wants, there is no words to describe the pain I feel. Sometimes it is not easy trying to be the better person, sometimes I just want to stoop to his level and beat him silly.

I met a nice guy, I think he's sweet. But my current life situation does not favor a serious relationship, nor does his. I like his companionship and the friendship we share. Being able to be honest with each other and simply say what is on our minds. Come January our lives will be very different, I'll be going home, getting a job and applying for schools while he will start taking a course. Add that all up and throw in the time difference, I don't know what it will look like. Maybe we'll stop liking each other, maybe we will move on with our own lives, maybe we will be friends.

Part of me wish I don't feel the way I do. It just makes things so much more complicated. Part of me is hoping that this feeling will go away the other part of me wants it to grow into something more. We've talk about it and we've agreed that we should just enjoy each other's company while it last.

While I know that I'm still grieving from my last relationship, it would not be fair to drag another person into the emotional mess I'm in. I would often be reminded of Thomas for simple things that he said or do and that's a red flag that I'm not ready for a relationship yet.

I'd rather not have a relationship at all then to start one at a wrong time. I value his friendship and would not want to loose it if things don't work out.

Alone in the dark

Sitting here wide awake at 3.30am unable to sleep. Alone in the dark crying, feaing for my future, heart broken, and empty. He broke my heart because he could, I can't help but wonder if he made up an excuse just to break up with me. He's still home in Warsaw, no where near Denmark or Norway.

I try to comfort myself by reminding myself that even though I may be in hell right now, if I did go to Poland, I would be in a different kind of hell. Its hard to count your blessings when you feel like they have been taken away from you. I can't help but feel angry at my parents for choosing to stay in Malaysia instead of migrating when they could. They always make choices that is comfortable and easy for them. The only time they think of their children is saving money.

I'm really scared that I'll never be happy again. That I'll be stuck in this rut forever. I know its unrealistic but I'm so beat down its so hard to be positive. He left me when I needed him the most. The fact that I stayed in the relationship after all the crap he pulled is a sign that he does not deserve me.

Relationships feel so fake and fragile. One moment you are lovers, 3 days later you're strangers. Not because of anything I did, but because you're tired and bored? I don't know. Thank you for leaving me behind, refusing to take responsibility for the things you did or attempt to clean up your mess. The only regret I have is giving you a second chance.

I'm scared of getting engage, I'm scared of liking someone else even though they are 10 times better than you. I'm going to crawl out of this hole and live a better life than you, show you I can do better and give myself the things you refuse to give me.

Take it as a gift, but don't expect it

Its that time of the year again. I'm actually excited for Christmas even though I won't be building a snowman, cuddling with the love of my life, or making snow angels. But it's alright, I get to spend it with people who loved me dearly. Can't wait to see them in San Jose.

Tomorrow will be the last day of my finals which marks the end of my college career. The memory of my first 3 weeks here felt as if it was yesterday. I had a lot of bad experiences and met a lot of bad people. People who would not hesitate to hurt me or watch me fall. But I've met even more good people, good people who would take me out to dinner using the gift card they receive for Christmas, good people who offer me a place to stay, most of all good people who love me unconditionally.

I will always be grateful for their kindness and I will never forget it. There were times when I wasn't the easiest person to love, yet they never gave up on me. I still remember wanting to give up on college and life the second week I arrived. I felt lost, didn't have friends, and didn't know what to do.

I've learn so much and have grown so much intellectually and emotionally. Even though this was not the best college experience, I have met some wonderful people that have make a huge difference in my life.

It gets lonely sometimes and I wish I have a boyfriend, to cuddle, snuggle, and to love me. But I know I have to learn to be alone for awhile. When people make me smile and I have a great time, I am thankful for every second of it. I remind myself that it's not fair to expect others to take away my problems and make me happy. Life just doesn't work that way. I have to go out there and learn to make myself happy and do things for me, stop making decisions base on other people and doing things I enjoy.

Hoping to be in my own apartment next to the beach in Australia next Christmas. Wish me luck :)

Happy Birthday!

Yesterday was my birthday, but we decided to go out and celebrate today. I never thought I was going to have so much fun without him. It almost feels wrong to feel so good without him. We went to in-n-out ...sat at the same table I did 4 years ago with Colby, last place I hung out with my friend Andrea before she move to North Carolina. 

It's another crowded fast food joint to anyone but to me, it's a special place. Had a lot of good memories there. I miss those moments so much, but I know there is my whole life ahead of me to make more of them :) 

I feel like I am finally living the life I want. There is still a long way to get there but I'm on the right track. I've realize how much I like to fix people. It wasn't something I do because I want to, it was something I do because I had to. I need to stop doing it in order to live a better life -- stop robbing people of the chance to grow up, learn, and be a better person. 

If I knew how good I feel without him, I would have dump him the first chance I get. Thank you for leaving me and giving me my life back :)

An amazing dream. Thank you God.

So, I was out for 4 hours. I got home after an exhausting day and past out on the coach. I had the most amazing dream ever. In my dreams, he came back into my life the day after he dump me and we were super best friends again. As if nothing ever happen, it was awesome. We were laughing, sharing stories like we use to. He wanted to get back together and I jump at the opportunity.

I felt like I was the luckiest girl alive and could finally breathe again. I ask him why he had been ignoring me or being mean to me through out the break up. He simply claim that he was angry and was ignoring me with earplugs while smiling and laughing jokingly. All this time, the conversation took place around Warsaw while we were riding the bus visiting all the places that was special to us.

I was so happy, I went home and told my parents I needed to cancel my return ticket to go home because I'm spending christmas with him in Warsaw. They were not please, my dad told me that he isn't worth my time. Getting back together might hurt me even more and I will most likely end up wasting my time and effort. Needless to say I got upset, but I know deep down, they were right. After the way he treated me, I no longe trust him.

So back on the bus in warsaw again ( dreams have weird transition), I told him cheercully that we should be friends for 6 months and see if this is what we want before getting back together. The cheerful and joyful atmosphere quickly changed. He got angry and called it bullshit. I tried to make him understand the kindest way I could but he blame me, saying that he came back because he love me. How dare I say this to him? I wasn't scared, I wasn't angry, I just stood up from my seat and told him to take it or leave it. I got off the bus and walk off into a cold white Warsaw and end up at home.

Most beautiful and inspiring dream ever :) maybe deep down inside my subconcious knew what I want and what I needed.

The things I learn...Oh life...

So, I've given him ample chance to help me understand why things turn out the way they did. I never like to call someone an asshole or a jerk until I'm sure. Being misunderstood and not having the proper emotional tools to express yourself can be quite painful.

I think too much about him, what is good for him, what is best for him, but I neglected to look out for me. I forget that he was the one who left me and walk out. It's as if I have amnesia and simply forget about all the horrible things he did and only remember the good. How our brains choose to remember only the good because we are so afraid of change baffles me.

Anyhow, after today, I can honestly say that he is 110% of a douche bag without a doubt. I figure for all the shit he puts me through, I deserve to know or at least hear from him, why he is such a turd. Can't expect a boy to act like a men.

All the shit he said to me, he did none. Take me for fondue -- never happen, buy me flowers when he fuck up -- happen once, call my ex stupid and said they should taste the side walk -- well he should have his balls mince and sold as meat balls.

Replaced him the very day he dump me. Time to fucking move on without that turd. I'd be glad to hear the next guy I date describe how they wanna kill him... Besides all the shit he puts me through, I'm still a better person in a sense that I don't feel the need to attack him verbally or purposely hurt his feelings (something he cannot do).

I can go on and on and repeat myself about the crap he pulled and what an ass he is. But at this point, it is no longer a surprise to me or to anyone who reads this blog. I'm sure some of you have come to the conclusion of that much earlier than I did. As they say, you can't buy an ass and pray that it'll act like a prize horse. You get what you see.

Sometimes not having an answer is an answer. I learn that I need to stop giving guys so much slack and boot them out of my life the minute they mess up. Should have stayed away when I broke off the engagement. Oh well, as they say, there is a douche bag born every second. I now have one more to add to my collection and can proudly share with my girlfriends one more interesting horror story about men. Welcome to planet earth.

People always say we should't judge someone base on another person's mistakes. I agree, I don't think you should stop dating or give up on relationship because you met a few swines. But I do think that every time you meet a pig, you should move your princess ass one floor higher in your ivory tower. That way you can see farther out your window and hope for a better prince. At the same time, the next prince will have to fight harder to win you over. If a man loves you, he'll climb mountains and swim across the ocean just to be with you. That is not a fairy tale, that is love in action. Not just a feeling, but someone making a choice to have you in their life no matter what.

Bull shit excuse from men about commitment, fear of rejection and fear of failure is their way of being lazy. We all have our fears, men need to stop acting like boys and grow some balls. Lack of father figures in our time may have contributed to the over production of boys who never grow up. Women are afraid of commitment, rejection, and failure too. Since I don't have an external genitalia, I think you get to take the 1st step and jump. If I'm not good enough for you to risk it, you're not worth my time.

On a side note -- SUSHI FOR ME B'DAY!!! YAY!!! :D looking forward to it. Thanks girls, you guys are awesome :) wish I knew that earlier!!

Pull yourself together and get your ass out there !!!

So I was so used to sulking over every problem I have, last night was no different. Feeling empty and alone, I try to ignore the pain and just lay in bed and watch TV while I cry.

I decided to go out and get a drink...only to see everyone all dressed up to party. I completely forgot about the homecoming dance. I was so entrench in my shit that I forgot there is a lot of hot guys out there that I can freely gawk. They have been kind to me and invited me to join them. I had a lot of fun, we got all dress up and dance like there was no tomorrow.

We were happy, we didn't care what men think or to impress them. We just have fun the way we want to. It was awesome. Tons of cute guys were showing off their dance moves. Some were even shaking their bootay -- Oh Yeah *wink

Bump into a few of my friends, they were all glad I crawl out of the hole I call my room. One of them even suggest that I should just dance with a cute guy and forget about that douchbag. I had fun, I became a prick after I dated him, thinking everyone else suck. And he was the best thing next to grill cheese. I thought I had it all and didn't need anyone.

I finally realize I would not have had so much fun last night have he not left. Because I would still be friendless, lonely, hiding from the world, and sitting on my pedestal. Well a few more months and it's time for me to get a job like a grown up. I try to be positive and look at the good that would come out of it, After all, a lot of people made it :) those who didn't are the ones who didn't try.

I don't want to stay home forever, moving home is like going to college in a different country -- it's temporary, it's a different culture, I might not like it, but I'll have to suck it up and work towards my goal to migrate wherever that may be :)