Lazy, unappreciative, and entitled people -.-

*Rant Alert

We all know, met, or befriended a brat at one point of our lives. While I was job searching (still...-.-) I came across an ad for a job opening encouraging bumis to apply. *clears throat I'm not about to go into the politics of it and if you're not Malaysian, Bumiputras originally meant aboriginals or indigenous. But the term in Malaysia is used loosely to indicate a certain racial group. To make it easier for those who are not local, it basically means anyone who is brown (just simplifying not trying to be offensive). 

I got upset when I saw it and didn't apply. There is a lot of reasons for non bumis to be upset due to a racially charge environment. But mine has nothing to do with that, I think I've move on from the racial argument and I don't want to get into politics (we have too much of that lately due to the upcoming general election). 

I'm upset and angry at people who had a good job ( and I mean GOOD), quit it, and claim that it is below them and they feel like they are better than that... that they deserve something bigger, like -- head of department? Really girl? you just started working, you can't even tell the difference between your responsibility and Joe's responsibility. 

It just angers me how entitled some people feel that they rather quit their jobs, stayed at home, and go to interviews to see if the job suits them instead of the other way around. If you're such a hotshot, you wouldn't be jobless. Just ... stop. 

The saddest thing is these people believe that the only way to get ahead is kiss ass. I know a lot of people do, and if you're one of them, I'm sorry I'm not a believer. If you have what it takes, you don't need to kiss ass. Kissing ass is for people with no ability, skill, experience, or what it takes. I'm not saying you go punch your boss in the face and expect a raise. 

You don't have to pick a fight or piss him off on purpose. Just do your part and make sure you do it well. You know, honest simple worker? If you think your boss is stupid not to know who is kissing ass, you need to live in a different planet.

News flash, some people hate being brown nose. Yeah, and those are usually really cool people *Jenna Marbles stare. In the end, you just end up attracting insecure, pompous, jerks to be your friends instead of real, honest, no nonsense, nice people. Think about that. 

Takers, givers, and something in between.

Started doing yoga today. Loved it, can't wait till I can do all those awesome posses. Anyhow, today was a frustrating day for me. It hasn't rain for a few weeks and it was close to 40 degrees (100f ) and it was unbearable.

I'm loosing my patience when it comes to getting a job and is getting desperate. I know I should stay calm and it takes awhile for some companies to respond, but it's really hard when you can't stop comparing yourself with others.

Have you ever met someone that is so broken that you don't know how they manage to stay alive for so long? Well I do, and it can be very frustrating. It's a sad sight but I've done all that I can. You get to truly see a person for who they are when they face their biggest fear.

Sometimes we wonder why people avoid us, why we are friendless, lonely, and no one seem to want to have anything to do with us. Sometimes it's probably because you're a porcupine, or an insensitive asshole, or... A taker. You simply take in every relationship and see giving as something only "soft" people do. Insulting, calling your friend names, teasing, is your way to show affection... How childish.

I try not to change people in order to make my life easier but this is just "ugh". Yet when he is upset, he wants emotional support, kindness, and someone to listen to him. I did the best that I could but ultimtely he shoot me a "I don't want to argue with you, I'm going to go to my corner" when I try to challenge his "manly" believe.

To that I say "ok bye." You're an adult, if you don't want to deal with your issues, I ain't going to safe you. It's a different story if you don't know what your issue is or is working on it, but wanting someone to come and rescue you and love you "despite" of your issues... Grow up :/ we all have to learn to love ourselves and deal with our own crap.

I know it's cruel for me to be so objective during this time as he is facing a major crisis, I can't help but feel that it's karma. If you're an insensitive dick, chances are your friends are too. I don't want to beat him down, but what about me? Be called on only when he is bored, sad, or needed a therapist. Or when he feels like telling me what is right and show me how manly he is...

Man and their rigid gender roles are only going to hurt themselves. I told him it's his believe, he can change it or hang on to it, his choice and he will have to live with it. He try to generalized that every men whether asian or caucasian are the same. To that I say bullshit, he doesn't know everyone. Just because he is fuck up in the head doesn't mean everyone is.

Trying to say that to show control, power, and intelligence (haha) is ..... just showing how inecure and small he is. I'm just frustrated and feel used. It would be better if he makes me feel like a therapist, at least I'm not getting lash outs, guilt trips, or crap. I feel like a sandbag, when he gets bored and feel like punching it, I have to tke it because I should be kind since he is going through a lot. Simply put, I feel like crap, and I don't want to bother anyone else. *sigh...

Feeling nostalgic.. Or maybe it's pms

So I've been having a hard time sleeping for the past few days. Every time when I close my eyes, I started thinking about... Him. Yeah, I'm no longer crying my eyeballs out but there's just a tinge of...sadness that just comes over me and I would just stay in that moment.

Sometimes I wonder if it's pms. But on the other hand I know it's part of the process. Him and a lot of other things bring out a lot of feelings and a lot of other stuff that I never knew exist. It's like a magician pulling a handkerchief out of a hat. One hanky tied to another and it just keep on pulling. I really wanted a job badly. Staying at home and doing nothing is giving my brain too much time for crap thinking. Yes, it's an official word now - crap thinking.

My negative believe of "my needs don't matter" is still deeply affecting my life. I feel mean or bad when I disagree with someone I cared about be it a friend or a relative. Or if I told the truth about what I think of them, or have a conversation that would hurt someone's feelings. Since I believe my needs don't matter, it's easier for me to swallow whatever I feel or issues and "not be mean" to the other person.

By being nice to other people, I became mean to myself. It's a tough balancing act and I'm still trying to figure it out. No doubt it will take some time. Rejecting other people is something I have a hard time doing. I feel mean for doing it, it often takes a long time, and a lot of crap enduring for me to finally decide to walk away. When I should've just left in the first place, which was what I kept telling myself x.x

I feel like I'm torturing myself sometimes. Knowing what to do and what kind of pain is waiting for me ahead, yet I felt helpless and unable to act according to my better judgement. Bound by my feelings to do what I know is wrong. It's as if I have lost my freedom to choose. Maybe I have lost that freedom. As they say, we often don't do what we want, we do what we know.

Friendship

Dear Gab,

We haven't talk for almost 5 years now. The last time we talk was when you called me on the day of the Beijing Olympic closing ceremony. As usual it was a booty call, you were bored with the boys at the club and probably had one too many drinks and needed some tits and booty to stare at. I was tired of the way you treat me and the people around you. I was waiting for you to start being nice to the people around you, and I finally realize you'll never change.

I was tired of being treated like a booty call. Never a word of appreciation or even thank you when I cover your ass. I cleaned up your shit (literally, remember your room?) when you were too fuck up to care. Well it didn't matter, because a few years later you turn your back on everything you believed and said and started doing drugs. You lied when I ask you and that was just one of many bullshit you pulled.

I treated you like a real friend. We grew up together, live through hell together.I always tell people that my one true vacation where I have a say on going was going back to my hometown alone. I stop going after you act like a dick and drove home drunk. You could've got us killed or killed someone. And I wasn't going to be a part of that. We were all lock in a room fulled of second hand smoke while you and most of your friends get drunk. I remember going outside with H to get a breathe of fresh air. That was the best part of the night. You refuse to go home, and wanted to go out for food, when we're finally done, rain started to pour. You being the dickhead and sissy that you are, refuse to go to your car because "its raining"

I remember I was so piss I wanted to kill you. You just wouldn't budge. H ended up going to your car for you, and for the next six months I was severely ill. I waited and waited for you to be a good friend, I even told you how I was sick for 6 months. Your response was awesome, you told me that it builds my immune system and I should thank you for it. Yeah, I and a million other people should thank you for not killing anyone that night.

All those time I tried to be considerate and nice because I know what life is like to live with an abusive parent. But instead of being there to support each other, you just became another person who used me. That's why I left and never look back. It hurts me even until today, because I still wish the best for you. But from what I heard, you have yet to change. You have no one to blame for your troubles but yourself. Yes you were dealt a bad hand, so was I. I guess maybe I felt so hurt for walking away because I did the same that night. They could've killed you. I still couldn't live with myself over it and it took so much courage for me to say enough is enough and walk away.

I don't owe you anything anymore. Those years or shit you put me through, I'm sorry I didn't stood up for you, I was scared. I could only imagine what you felt, and I will never stop feeling rotten about it. But I can't go back there. I always thought we were going to be friends for life. But I guess that was a stretch. I still hope that you'd change, for your own good before you hurt someone really really bad.

Someone who use to know you.

Choices

Our life is affected by the choices we make, or the choices other people make. Life is a series of choices and living out the aftermath of ones choice. Recently, I've come across people who do not believe in making bad choices, only choices that "feel good" or it was something they "felt like doing". I try not to judge other people for the way they live. I try to steer clear of such people because I know all too well what they can do to the people around them.

I pass along very harsh judgements about others and I feel bad about it. That's probably why I judge myself mercilessly. It's hard not to feel angry and hurt when people who have no basis of making right choices tells you that your standards are too high and you will never meet anyone, simply because they have no standards themselves. Their recklessness cause so much pain towards others and themselves yet they fail to see it. 

To them, that is freedom. All I see is a broken heart, a train of people being hurt, parents who are being hurl into a hurricane, and even his own life. If that's freedom, then Osama bin Laden must be asian. I like to look at both sides of a coin, but sometimes, people are simply stuck in their ways. It's ok to agree to disagree, but there are some people who can't accept that. Either they convert you or die trying... (Reminds me of cults and crazy christians... Hahaha) 

I like to think of myself as someone who is smart enough not to fall for that. I was beginning to consider it and realize this is not a good influence on my life. I know what I want in my future and I've spend the last 7 years protecting it with everything I have. I need good friends, not someone who clouds my judgement morally and even logically. 

The sad part is, He is a really nice friend. And I think he deserve to have friends. Of course I feel horrible leaving (yup.... It's always about everyone. Ugh I need to stop). I just have to realize that whatever he deserves, I deserve to have good friends too. Maybe we're just too different to even be friends. 

I don't think I can be around someone who can't own up their own shit, clean it up, and learn from it. I guess that was what I was trying to say the whole time. Refusal to admit or even look at the shit he has cause is just... Unacceptable. We all make mistakes, but to refuse to learn from it, own up to it, and make amends for it... I don't want to be around someone like that mainly because I don't want to be the next person buried in their shit, knowing that I will be the one who will have to clean it up for them. Or maybe, he own up, I just never heard it or is too busy to want to hear it.

I've spend most of my life cleaning up after others. And I'm tired of always being the "reliable" person in every shit. Or the"she's always fine" person in every picture. I wouldn't be where I am today if I didn't turn my life around 7 years ago. I still remember having all those"friends" crapping all over my life and my future. Cleaning up their mess each and every day. There were days that I couldn't sleep but cry. to them, they have the freedom to do whatever they want, and then leave when they make a mess. I was this close of getting kick out of high school, turning to drugs, and practically throwing my life out the window.

I can't go back there, I made so many sacrifices and work so hard to get to where I am today. Maybe someday we can be friends. I still held out the same hope for Gab. 

Life of job hunting and uncertainties.

The uncertainty of looking for a job and doing nothing at home is.... boring. I'm trying my best to be positive and cherish every second I have as I know these moments will be missed. There are times when I can't sleep and he would crept back into my mind, but it has gotten a whole lot better. A lot of my friends have been contacting me lately, strange but good.

I always believed that people don't want to have anything to do with me. That I'm a strange, big meanie that only a small number of people could endure. Funny how I'm beginning to realize that is not the case. At this point, it doesn't matter if I meet someone or not. I guess the most important thing in life is friendship and the people you are surrounded with.

Singapore is looking more and more promising as Australia's licensing process is anything but straight forward. I really need a break from this small town. I just need a change of pace, a new adventure, and hopefully new friends. There is nothing wrong with my old friends, just different perspective, different background.

So nowadays I just stay home, play old nostalgic games on my 4 year old barely working laptop, talking to my dog, bath my dog, assist my dog in catch wild prey be it lizard or birds.

p.s some pictures from my vacation