Trust is such a delicate thing. Most of us have trust issues, only a few of us who are lucky enough who are not jaded and pessimistic will find themselves becoming one of us. A hard lesson to learn... not to trust people too much.
Personal interest trumps everything out there. I can't let go because I am holding on to the hope that if you were given a second chance, you would have done things differently. I don't think I know that, it's more like I wish and want that.
If you knew about the consequences, you might do things differently. Not because I would get hurt, upset, or disappointed. Because I might disappear. Hindsight is always 20/20 as they say. I knew from the beginning that you would leave me for personal gain. I just wanted to prove myself wrong so I stayed. I just wanted to believe the mantra that "see, not everyone is bad" to be true so bad that I waited and hang around.
The last guy I trusted, who made me feel like I was the luckiest women alive left me for less than what you probably would. That showed me something, people can never be trusted. Nothing trumps personal agenda. He would have left me for a pack of cigarettes. When you said life is tough here and you might as well move home. That tells me something, something I've always known to be true. Something I refuse to believe to be true.
That you would leave me just like anybody else because you can never be more important than someone's interest, ambition, aim, whatever you want to call it. I have a million reasons in my head ready to come up with an excuse for you. Maybe you miss home, maybe you're just frustrated.
I've learn that those things can be true and coexist with the fact that you are unreliable just like everyone else. When shit hits the fan, your first thought is to run because its every man for himself right? Than why am I standing here like an idiot hoping things will change? Forgiving you over and over again?
I've met enough people to know that no one truly changes, they go through phases, but never change. They just put on more sophisticated mask and hide behind thicker walls. I once knew a girl in grade school, lets call her Charmaine.
We were "friends" on the school bus. We live 1 street away and was the smallest kids on the bus. Naturally the bullies single me out. Charmaine always stay out of it for her own protection. Never blamed her for it. It's every kid for themselves. One day she wanted to borrow a magazine of mine. She offer her friendship and told me she would stood up for me if the bullies try anything. Naturally, I borrow her my magazine and was happy. Charmaine never stood up for me, never said a word to the bullies. Pretend like nothing happened and happily read the magazine she borrowed from me.
Our "friendship" went on for 10 years. Charmaine always have an angle and sold me out every time after I do her a favor or get her out of some kind of mess. I am not an idiot, I realize what she was the first time when she decided to join the bullies and pick on me a day after she borrowed my magazine. Ever since then, I could see what was coming time after time. I never stop saving her or doing her favors. I never get anything in return.
I don't know why I did that for her, maybe it's pity, maybe I wanted to save her from the terrible home she grew up in. But I was never hurt, every time she betrayed me I saw it coming and let her think she won. I knew her play and I know what to do to prevent it. But I realize I can't do that with everyone. Because some people gets under your skin.
No matter how much time you've spend understanding schemers, backstabbers, and people who are simply out for themselves. I can't claim to know everyone as well as I know Charmaine. And I don't know you enough to say that you won't ditch me when I needed you the most. It made it clear to me that you'd run for the first sign of trouble while I stayed trying to put out a fire with nothing more than a fire blanket with a hole.
I can let you hurt me, put me down, disappoint me, frustrate me, or even break my heart. But I cannot and will not let you lock me in a burning building while you run to safety. I am not going to stand here and wait for the day when you are going to sell me out for a candy bar and do nothing. I can't. I've given you enough chances and time. It's time for me to move on and for you to run to the exits while you still can. I don't fancy hurting other people, I won't let you hurt me, so I don't have to hurt you back.
