Hopeful

So, my last post was very grim. I just read it and  realize a lot can change in a few weeks. Damn, I was down.

I now have a job! Can't say I like it nor hate it. It's just a job. So far people are nice and things are going well. It feels like finally things are getting better. I met some new people, and some very very good looking guys *wink.

To be able to live on my own and do things on my own terms... I think that was all I always wanted. Doing things my way, going where I want to go and finding my own adventure. Life finally felt like a breathe of fresh air.

I don't know what went right or what changed (besides the obvious) but life seems good. It's 1 year since everything went horribly wrong. I thought life would suck for me but it took a different turn and got better. I met nice and helpful people everywhere I turn and every time when I am in need. It's as if, I am suppose to be here and this is the place I should be at this moment.

I realize I have amazing friends and I can't imagine making it this far without them. Their encouragement meant a lot to me. It melts my heart to know that these people, though they may not have the most eloquent speech when I'm in pain, understands me and want me to go out there and live my life.

I always thought I would never get over the hurt, that I would always hate him or have a strong reaction to him or anything like that. I did at first, I have nights when I couldn't sleep because it hurt so bad. But now, I still remember what he did but it doesn't matter anymore, I wouldn't have the life that I have right now if he didn't leave.

I don't have a lot of friends, I lost some on the way and some walked away. But I had what I needed and I have enough to get by and that's what matters. And most importantly, I am making new friends (gorgeous men! ugh I can make a post about them!).

Well hopefully I get a date before the end of the year. That would be a cherry on top of the icing!

Living in a state of comatose

Life is hard sometimes, and it's during those moments that you need friends and find out who they are. I know I don't have much friends coming home, but sadly the number is dwindling down.

I like keeping people friends and making up excuses for them when it is obvious they do not want to make time for me or give a damn. I am tired, I can't sleep, I have a few friends left, and not much else.

Just found out that one of my lovely contacts never sent a reference letter on my behalf to grad school. I still have the email reminding her. Sent her 2 emails and she never responded. Told me how we should keep in contact and all that crap. But once you're out that door you're gone.

So many of them, tell me how they would write to me and all that. It would be a miracle if they still remember what I look like without my Facebook account reminding them. Relationships are fickle, doesn't matter if they are romantic or otherwise.

4 years ago, I wanted my sanity back so bad that I would be willing to do anything to get it. Now I have what I wanted, no more religious fanatics, bullying, fear, pain. I have peace, but I am not happy. I am not scared, I have all the food I want, I don't have to do chores, I have people to talk to (not as much of a social life I'd hope for but better than what I use to have), I have the freedom to go out whenever I want to and where ever I want to. But I am not happy.

All my life I just want to be happy, going from one fix to another. When it works it doesn't last, when it last, it doesn't works. Glad I am not an addict, at least not in a conventional sense. Everyone needs a vice, something to blow off steam. My vice just happens to be more socially acceptable.

I feel like life is slowly seeping away from me and I am missing out. I don't know how to stop it or how to fix it. I feel like getting a job might be the solution, but what if it's not? What then? I am just tired of being miserable, well I don't know if there is a word to describe the state I am in.

From a conventional and logical point of view my life is pretty good, I am not miserable really, just something is missing. And before your fucking religious mind decides to bring me to church or preach, no I am not in need of a savior or an imaginary friend. A snuggle buddy/boyfriend would be a better guess compare to the need for direction from a higher being who was jobless his whole life and depended on charity.

Every time I close my eyes, I just feel hopeless, like I am slowly drowning with no way of stopping it. Well, there's nothing a little alcohol can't fix, that's why everyone needs a vice --  so they don't have to listen to someone claiming to represent an imaginary being every Sunday.