Drowning in Pain

I thought I moved past it, I thought it was time to get my life back. Well I've had 2 near-panic attacks for 2 days straight and yesterday was the worst. Even though I was no longer worried about moving home and finding a job or the angst of quarter life crisis, I missed him and was balling through out the day.

I hung out with friends but the pain was unbearable. I have great friends who were there for me, but it was too much. Starting a new chapter of my life that I did not anticipate and not having him in it was just killing me slowly. I was worried about him and wanted the best for him, yet he wouldn't even ask me if I wanted my stuff back.

I don't understand what I did to deserve that. I'm just getting tired of feeling this way and is ready to throw in the towel. I just want to disappear. The idea of picking myself up and just keep on walking until I past out and die seems appealing albeit unrealistic and dramatic.

I know I'll live but what is the point? I don't see the point beyond this anymore. You live another day to fight....for what? you wake up the next day to have things taken from you again...anticipating to go home and have people greet me by assessing my weight isn't something I look forward to.

I felt like I could take on the world with him by my side, now that he is gone, I don't know if there is a world that I can take back or a life to fight for. People say life is uncertain and feels like walking on water.My life right now feels like walking on pieces of ice floe... I see the steps, but I don't know which one would sink. I know I will fall through at some point....I just don't know when.