When you reach a point of "meh, screw it"

There are many stages of anger. There is the initial build up, blow up, and then the "meh, fuck it". It is better to get someone so angry that they are exploding rather than sending them down the road of apathy. The worst person to deal with, is not the asshole who screams at the top of his lungs, but the apathetic bitch that couldn't give a damn who she mows over or crush gracefully over while waving her arms like a pageant queen and holding that Miss America smile.

So I ate a cat today, well more like someone shove it down my throat. Knew it would end badly but did it anyway. So can't say I didn't saw it coming. This is why I hate people when they pull a Judy. If you're not the boss, shut the fuck up and do your work. Don't play pretend because we're not 7 and you're not a very believable boss.

I was expecting myself to blew up like a rocket but I just smile and play dumb while stabbing them repeatedly in my head. This is the first time being shove under the bus doesn't make me go crazy. I wonder it had anything to do with my preparations?

I am angry about it, but in control. Its like, I am not reacting to them. It's unfair, it's a load of bullshit, and it's politics. After 1 short month, I guess I have just reach the point where by I couldn't give a damn anymore. I am just tired and ready to get it over with. As Cartman always says "Screw you guys, I'm going home"

Crossroads

I knew my life was uncertain. I have been moving around for the last 4 years and didn't know what to put down as my permanent address. I just thought it would end after college. Living everyday not knowing what the next few months would be like is tough. We all need stability and security, frankly I have neither. It is hard enough to make friends in this fast pace world, but when you don't know where you'll be in the next 3 months it makes everything so much harder.

You don't know how long you should rent a place or whether you should take up an opportunity. I know I should live everyday like its the last but the uncertainty is catching up. I can't do this any longer. It is driving me crazy and the fact that everything that's happening right now may be temporary or permanent... it is daunting.

All of this plus the constant worry of having a relationship. What if you meet someone awesome? should you date them? You might be half way across the globe in the next month or so, or you might stay here forever... Nobody knows. It's sort of like having a disease, you know things are going to change, you know you might die but you don't know when. You know you might get better but you don't know when or how. Everything is just everywhere. I try to take everyday one step at a time and make as many friends as I can along the way. Still, the uncertainty between being able to go to the moon or staying in prison forever, is a huge contrast and reality can be harsh, so harsh that I have to stay in between these two extremes and wonder everyday where I would end up.

It has been a year, all I can hope for is that when the next year comes, I will know the answer and no longer have to suffer these doubts.