Woke up today and felt I've lost a limb. We were so accustom to a routine, it felt weird when the hour arrives and things have change. I realize you belong to the gutter and not in my heart. If old routines remind me of you and brings me pain, I just need to make a new one.
I try to focus on the good things, like birthdays, loosing weight, getting good grades, people coming back to school after the break. Sometimes those things are as small as making dinner, or watching TV. I felt a huge burden lifted off my shoulders without you in my life, it feels odd. I didn't have to be married with all your problems, I didn't have to be your babysitter because you can't and won't pull your shit together.
I no longer have to sit idly at 11.00am and wait for you on skype. Didn't have to sent you emails to make sure you feel okay and you're not secretly hating me. When we first started dating, I admire your honesty, I thought you were the most honest person I've ever met. I was wrong, you kept me out of a good part of your life, I felt left out and disconnected. But that's just the way you are.
I cried in the shower, it was hard not to think of all the hurtful things you've done to me and finding out that you're an ass a little too late. I have to pick myself up and make conscious choices. I turn on "Irreplaceable" and played it on a loop and dance in the shower, focusing on the good that can come from living life without you.
Little things like being able to have a different wedding ring, the potential and ability to get an "upgraded" version of boyfriend 2.0 with the non-asshat app included. Achieve my goals academically and excel at it, dream about making cheese cake and sharing it with someone I love someday (he hates cheesecake). Spend the time and effort I use to shower on you towards my family and friends. Plan trips that I want without thinking about your financial capability. the best one, I think, is being able to go to any graduate school I want in any part of the world, without having to put your location and financial means to the equation.
Some of those things are small, but is little hooks and handles (if you will like the fake rocks they have when you go rock climbing) for me to hang on while you push me off the cliff. I'm already seeing the top, I can see the glimmer of sunshine at the end of the tunnel, and I know I'm getting closer each day.
I never got a chance the wear the dress I bought for our first date, guess I'll have to bless another guy seeing it on me. I still somehow wish you would apologize, or at least offer to make amends, but seeing you fail to do that gave me the courage to say it's over, I'm never going back to that craphole you call a relationship. And the stuff that I left at your place, I'll count it as a lost. You can keep it as a reminder of what you miss out.
Well, it's time for me to do homework, got a nice schedule of relaxing ahead of me. Homework, tv, work out, doing things that made me smile. It's no longer "I'll get over you and move on", it's "I'm getting over you, and I am moving on"
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