When you reach a point of "meh, screw it"

There are many stages of anger. There is the initial build up, blow up, and then the "meh, fuck it". It is better to get someone so angry that they are exploding rather than sending them down the road of apathy. The worst person to deal with, is not the asshole who screams at the top of his lungs, but the apathetic bitch that couldn't give a damn who she mows over or crush gracefully over while waving her arms like a pageant queen and holding that Miss America smile.

So I ate a cat today, well more like someone shove it down my throat. Knew it would end badly but did it anyway. So can't say I didn't saw it coming. This is why I hate people when they pull a Judy. If you're not the boss, shut the fuck up and do your work. Don't play pretend because we're not 7 and you're not a very believable boss.

I was expecting myself to blew up like a rocket but I just smile and play dumb while stabbing them repeatedly in my head. This is the first time being shove under the bus doesn't make me go crazy. I wonder it had anything to do with my preparations?

I am angry about it, but in control. Its like, I am not reacting to them. It's unfair, it's a load of bullshit, and it's politics. After 1 short month, I guess I have just reach the point where by I couldn't give a damn anymore. I am just tired and ready to get it over with. As Cartman always says "Screw you guys, I'm going home"

Crossroads

I knew my life was uncertain. I have been moving around for the last 4 years and didn't know what to put down as my permanent address. I just thought it would end after college. Living everyday not knowing what the next few months would be like is tough. We all need stability and security, frankly I have neither. It is hard enough to make friends in this fast pace world, but when you don't know where you'll be in the next 3 months it makes everything so much harder.

You don't know how long you should rent a place or whether you should take up an opportunity. I know I should live everyday like its the last but the uncertainty is catching up. I can't do this any longer. It is driving me crazy and the fact that everything that's happening right now may be temporary or permanent... it is daunting.

All of this plus the constant worry of having a relationship. What if you meet someone awesome? should you date them? You might be half way across the globe in the next month or so, or you might stay here forever... Nobody knows. It's sort of like having a disease, you know things are going to change, you know you might die but you don't know when. You know you might get better but you don't know when or how. Everything is just everywhere. I try to take everyday one step at a time and make as many friends as I can along the way. Still, the uncertainty between being able to go to the moon or staying in prison forever, is a huge contrast and reality can be harsh, so harsh that I have to stay in between these two extremes and wonder everyday where I would end up.

It has been a year, all I can hope for is that when the next year comes, I will know the answer and no longer have to suffer these doubts. 

Hopeful

So, my last post was very grim. I just read it and  realize a lot can change in a few weeks. Damn, I was down.

I now have a job! Can't say I like it nor hate it. It's just a job. So far people are nice and things are going well. It feels like finally things are getting better. I met some new people, and some very very good looking guys *wink.

To be able to live on my own and do things on my own terms... I think that was all I always wanted. Doing things my way, going where I want to go and finding my own adventure. Life finally felt like a breathe of fresh air.

I don't know what went right or what changed (besides the obvious) but life seems good. It's 1 year since everything went horribly wrong. I thought life would suck for me but it took a different turn and got better. I met nice and helpful people everywhere I turn and every time when I am in need. It's as if, I am suppose to be here and this is the place I should be at this moment.

I realize I have amazing friends and I can't imagine making it this far without them. Their encouragement meant a lot to me. It melts my heart to know that these people, though they may not have the most eloquent speech when I'm in pain, understands me and want me to go out there and live my life.

I always thought I would never get over the hurt, that I would always hate him or have a strong reaction to him or anything like that. I did at first, I have nights when I couldn't sleep because it hurt so bad. But now, I still remember what he did but it doesn't matter anymore, I wouldn't have the life that I have right now if he didn't leave.

I don't have a lot of friends, I lost some on the way and some walked away. But I had what I needed and I have enough to get by and that's what matters. And most importantly, I am making new friends (gorgeous men! ugh I can make a post about them!).

Well hopefully I get a date before the end of the year. That would be a cherry on top of the icing!

Living in a state of comatose

Life is hard sometimes, and it's during those moments that you need friends and find out who they are. I know I don't have much friends coming home, but sadly the number is dwindling down.

I like keeping people friends and making up excuses for them when it is obvious they do not want to make time for me or give a damn. I am tired, I can't sleep, I have a few friends left, and not much else.

Just found out that one of my lovely contacts never sent a reference letter on my behalf to grad school. I still have the email reminding her. Sent her 2 emails and she never responded. Told me how we should keep in contact and all that crap. But once you're out that door you're gone.

So many of them, tell me how they would write to me and all that. It would be a miracle if they still remember what I look like without my Facebook account reminding them. Relationships are fickle, doesn't matter if they are romantic or otherwise.

4 years ago, I wanted my sanity back so bad that I would be willing to do anything to get it. Now I have what I wanted, no more religious fanatics, bullying, fear, pain. I have peace, but I am not happy. I am not scared, I have all the food I want, I don't have to do chores, I have people to talk to (not as much of a social life I'd hope for but better than what I use to have), I have the freedom to go out whenever I want to and where ever I want to. But I am not happy.

All my life I just want to be happy, going from one fix to another. When it works it doesn't last, when it last, it doesn't works. Glad I am not an addict, at least not in a conventional sense. Everyone needs a vice, something to blow off steam. My vice just happens to be more socially acceptable.

I feel like life is slowly seeping away from me and I am missing out. I don't know how to stop it or how to fix it. I feel like getting a job might be the solution, but what if it's not? What then? I am just tired of being miserable, well I don't know if there is a word to describe the state I am in.

From a conventional and logical point of view my life is pretty good, I am not miserable really, just something is missing. And before your fucking religious mind decides to bring me to church or preach, no I am not in need of a savior or an imaginary friend. A snuggle buddy/boyfriend would be a better guess compare to the need for direction from a higher being who was jobless his whole life and depended on charity.

Every time I close my eyes, I just feel hopeless, like I am slowly drowning with no way of stopping it. Well, there's nothing a little alcohol can't fix, that's why everyone needs a vice --  so they don't have to listen to someone claiming to represent an imaginary being every Sunday.

Dilly MacJagger: Coal Mining -- makes you more of a man than boxing ever could.

Dilly MacJagger tells a tale of a foul mouth, unconventional, old fashioned, technophobe, retired farmer who lives in Kansas. The story is told through a series of letters and correspondence. He often wrote letters to his niece, nephews and sometimes neighbors reminiscing or simply complaining about his everyday life in the farm. I enjoy writing them and decided to share them.

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Dear Bobby,

Haven't wrote to you for awhile. Mail is hard to come by when you live in a remote part of the country. I was having a beer with Big Al the other night and we were talking about kids nowadays. Kids these days listen to boy bands singing and dancing with their tutus and plastic surgery nose (and probably balls too).

Anyway, these boys were not just singing and dancing, nowadays they sell perfume and lotion. See, back in the day we had coal mining, farming, hunting, and all sort of things that man do. Selling lotion? If you ever do that I swear to God your Great-great grandfather Ernie will dig himself out of his grave and drag your ass back to the grave and buried you himself.

Coal mining days were hard. We had little contact with our families, we didn't have cell phones or any fancy gadgets. We had to work long hours with maybe one or two men that you'll only see once or twice. They either left for greener pastures, died of an accident, got sick from the fumes and die.

We had to share food, mine day in and day out with no insurance or any shit like that. We had our lives and a pair of hands. Sometimes we don't even have safety helmets. See, me and Big Al we made out alive. Work for 4 years and safe up for a farm. We left as soon as we had enough money, we couldn't run fast enough away from that death trap.

Those were the hard days, we had hands as rough as leather and skin as thick as hide. Not to mention a heart as hard as a rock. We tough it out for a better future. Both of us knew that if we didn't we might end up like Back Luck Lenny who ends up working as a miner until the day he dies.

If I had a chance to do it all over again, I don't know if I would go through with it. On one hand it made us tough, prepared us for a rough world make us a man but on the other hand, those were the worst days I have endured. Coughing and chocking on the fumes knowing that death is just around the corner. Or hearing the creaking sound made by the tunnels signalling us it's impending collapse.

We lived in fear, fear of our end. But we learned to deal with it, pick ourselves up by the boot straps and go on. That's why I hate this generation, it's full of pussies, quitters, and excuses.

We did what we had to because we have little opportunity. Yet today, with all these new technology, kids still whine and cry about their life because mummy didn't buy them a piece of plastic kids called a cell phone.

I love you Bobby, but don't you ever be a pussy and quit on things. Life can be a real fucker sometimes but you're a MacJagger. And in the MacJagger household we don't quit, we show life that we can fuck harder.

P.S I am not buying you the latest Bustin Jieber (Whatever his name is) tickets, ask your dad. If he wants you to go to a concert for women, then he should pay for it. 

Your's Truly
Grandpa Dilly

The Unsatisfying Mind of a Human Being

As we go through life, we learn many things along the way. As you grow up, you begin to realize not everything you want is good for you. And the toughest choice is not choosing between the lesser of two evils, but choosing between two very bright, very good paths.

We can never see the future yet we want to make sure the choices we make are the best. Moving away from something good is hard, but I guess sometimes you have to boil it down to what you want at the end of the day. Friends, people, relationships, those will come and go. No matter how good or bad they may be, it change as the seasons go by. 

To say goodbye to something you know and move into the unknown is hard, but deep down inside, I know... I have to try and take that step. Complacent and content is what keeps us still. Maybe there is an upside to being unsatisfied and malcontent. When you thought you want something so bad that you would pray to the unknown gods to fulfill it, yearn for it, dream of it, and cry because of it. Yet, when it is given to you, you begin to wonder if this is after all what you want.

6 months ago, I thought coming home would be equivalent to death -- death of my hopes, dreams, and future. But instead, it became the sweetest and most wonderful time of my life. I met the nicest people in the world, who would push me, encourage me, and was never shy of sharing their knowledge with me. I am bless, truly bless, whether I was given what I want.

It is moments like this that makes me realize, life is what you make of it. And no matter where you are... there is always people that can inspire you and care about you. I learn an important lesson, life is not a beast that can be tamed, we can only go along with it as it takes us on the worst and best adventures it has to offer. And mine is far from over.    

I'd rather have a day to celebrate managers than teachers.

It is an amazing thing how uneducated some educate people can be. Horribly too. Damn met a guy name Alvin online... well more like an internet troll.... he thought I was looking down on him for being a teacher? 0.o I have a cousin who is a teacher, do I think she's better than grill cheese? No.

Do I think she is dirt? No. Do I believe she deserve respect like any other human being? Yeah sure. BUT the biggest question is, do I think her profession have GREAT significance? Sadly no. Why you may ask. I don't hate teachers I just think teachers day is hype out of proportion in Malaysia or in Asia in general.

How many sexual assault cases have we seen where the perpetrators are these people?  How many cases of abuse by these people have been reported? We cannot give these people the same amount of regard as God as this has caused so many problems and let them commit heinous crimes under the sky. I do not celebrate teachers day because our teachers in this country are under-qualified (I have a teacher who cannot spell or pronounce "adult"), lack of basic manners (Screaming and yelling at parents as if they are given such rights and forgetting the fact that they work for the people), and most of all beating the kids senseless. Yes I am talking about abuse and blind obedience.

Asian people have themselves to blame for this. Their high regard for a menial profession has to stop. I understand back in the day teachers would received students out of their kindness because they work for themselves. Essentially, they are self employed. Nowadays, teachers work for the state -- to serve the people. We pay them to teach our children, it doesn't go the other way. They take our tax payers money and they should respect us and respect our children. If they still dream of the ancient times of blind obedience and high regard, they need to contact DR. Who.

Times has change and so have people. Teachers are no longer moral (for the most part no) or respectable. I don't think my cousin is contributing her life to my country, I think she settled for a job that she hates and simply yell at children to past time. 

So yeah, this dude... if you will... thought I was insulting him...well it didn't started out that way but it sure ended that way. Simply because I cannot stand people who can't see both sides of the coin and started launching personal insults. At the same time, I realize I can't blame him as he graduated locally and is groomed to blind obedience and the lack of ability to converse or debate openly like an adult.

Look at our education, most Malaysians today cannot compete in the job market because of their lack of English skills and even professionalism. My cousin (other cousin not teacher) and my best friend was easily hired simply because they graduated elsewhere. Local graduates either get a vote of no confidence from future employers or simply end up with a government job (like a teacher) or work at a crappy job.

This is the reason why Malaysian degrees is worth as much as toilet paper. It is no joke, because even teachers encourage plagiarism by cheating on examination to become a teacher! The atrocity these people commit and yet they still want us to dedicate a day to them?

I'd rather dedicate a day to Nurses, Volunteer workers, Bone Marrow donors than to celebrate teachers. They are paid to serve the people, they don't get to whine and ask for special privilege.  Their privilege is to be employed by us and work for us. Plain and simple. If anyone comes up to me wanting to celebrate teachers day, I'm going to tell them I want a holiday for managers. Because even though half of them are assholes, they are so insignificant that I still want to celebrate it... just like teachers day.

Where does a misogynistic pig live in the 21st century?

   It has been hard meeting new people after returning home from a 4 year hiatus and not having a job. I was messing with a close friend of mine and told her jokingly how she should introduce me to some of her friends.  It is amazing to have close friends and how they understand where you are coming from. She told me she had a friend who would like to meet new people too. So I thought, "SWEET!". I never say no to new friends.

So I went along with it and low and behold he emailed me (instead of using the email to find me on facebook which was the original intention). So we started talking and the first question he ask was why I had my facebook profile picture blackout. If you live in Malaysia, you will know that it is a silent protest against the election result which was rigged. I simply told him (trying not to assume he is an idiot) that it is because of electoral fraud. So what he said next was .... well I'll let you be the judge.

He told me how he knows the government cheated but my facebook is too dark.... as if trying to tell me that I should change the way my facebook looks because he doesn't like it...

Dude, I just met you, I am not going to change my facebook because you have an opinion about it... WHICH, I didn't ask :) So I was kind of piss but I just move on because I want to give him the benefit of the doubt... and then the sexism and treatment of as if I'm an ape continued....

Long story short, I stick around simply not to make things awkward and try to make everyone happy but me...making me feel like shit. So I just simply deleted him without telling him how much of a pig he is. Maybe I should give him a piece of my mind....

10 things I have never heard Malaysians say

After being back home for almost 5 months, these are the top 10 things I've notice people rarely or never say! Enjoy!

10. We are a develope nation
Depending on who you talk to, some may say this while I've rarely if ever heard this sentiment being said by young people these days. Instead, what I heard most if the time is how god damn awful or backward this country is. It is a sad thing to hear but something I find holds a grain of truth.

9. Our country is very clean.
This depends on who you talk to and where you are.  Certain places are... Acceptable but most at least in Sabah are filthy. One can see a piece of human turd floating on one of the rivers while taking an aftnoon stroll, or find piss (hopefully you did not catch someone pissing) while you were walking up a flight of stairs in downtown Kota Kinabalu where buzzling tourist and well mannered people are everywhere. No wonder I've never heard anyone applauding our cleanliness.

8. Malaysia is a very accepting place
Being a muslim country, one cannot blame it for not accepting cultures from the west. Homosexuality, transgender, cohabitation, are not usually accepted. The culture in America is acceptance of anyone and everyone because people come in different shape, sizes, color, and holds different ideology. Sadly in Malaysia, if you don't follow what the majority says, you're a freak. I have relatives who are racist biggots (they dislike African Americans), gay hating jerks (they believe gays are mentally ill and an abomination) and believes that women should not be educated.

7. We have an amazing public transportation system. Owning a car is optional
Again this depends on which part of the country you live in. In Sabah it is a must to own your own transportation as the public transport consist of old busses that looks like something a pedophile would drive around in order to kidnapped children. Not to mention it is usually filled with illegal immigrants. It would be a different story if you live in Penang or Kuala Lumpur.

6. Everything is so cheap
Over the past few months, over and over again I hear people telling me how the price of everything has tripled and it is almost impossible to stay afloat. Back in the 90s, I often heard people praising the lifestyle of Malaysia for being affordable.

5. Our government is amazing
General election is coming up next week. While I do hear some people being very active and
supportive of the governtment, it is not something that happen often. Sentiments against the government? Let's just say I'd rather stay out of that.

4. I have no desire to leave this country even if the opportunity presented itself.
Everytime when people ask me where have I been for the past 4 years, I try to avoid the question due to their undying fascination with the idea of living in the west. They would always tell me how it must be better compared to our country and why I didn't choose to stay. The idea that the US is in a huge economic crisis baffles them. They usually respond with shock as if I just told them I ate their children. They cannot fathom how their fantasy countries US and EU are going through a crisis and it is impossible to find a job. The idea that the land with milk and honey doesnt have honey and milk is rather shocking. Most if not all my friends who has obtain some form of tertiary education usually move to the neighbouring countries or stayed in th country where they obtained their degree. I would get a village of questions about my life in Cali and how people are richer, well educated, and the government treats them better.

3. We are not a corrupted nation
This is funny in an of itself. Anyone who have ever lived in this country knows what "duit kopi" is. It literally translates to "coffee money". Everyone knows that when you are pulled over by a cop, all you have to do is offer him more or less RM100 (35$)and slide it under your drivers license. Or if you hate taking your driving test just offer to pay RM 1,000++ (300$)you won'teven have to show up for anything. I don't condone such behaviour yet most people especially Chinese think its ok since it is more convenient. Hey people, if you want a country free of corruption, it starts with you. So shut up with your complaints about the corrupted governtment when you are doing it too.

2. Our government treats us fairly regardless of race or gender.
This will sound so bizarre to anyone who lives in a developed country. We all know about ketualan Melayu. It basically means the right of the Malay. They are given special rights along with other indigenous groups where by they are allowed to have a 10% discount when it comes to buying property. They get to borrow more money from the government, and you must retain a certain amount of them in your company or you are breaking the law. Chinese and Indians however are not given such rights. We have to pay more taxes because this is "the land of their grandfather" and we are "immigrants" it's kind of like white australians calling themselves natives. You get the picture, race is everrything in this country, it is mandatory that you declare your race on all governmental forms, government test, and so forth. And when it comes to women, if you're muslim you're going to have a hard time my friend. They follow the muslim law which requires 4 witnesses to verify the statement of a women. Talk about equality in the 21st century.

1. My internet is so fast!
And last but not least, high speed internet. I think we can all agree on this one. If you've ever been to any of our neighouring countries (i.e Singapore, Hong Kong, Taiwan) you will know that you're stuck in stone age with TMnet's "high speed" internet. One could say that this is due to our geographical location, but if that is true, then why does Singapore within driving distance of Johor have internet so fast, I thought I was in Japan? Government monopoly, that's all I have to say.

So, that's it. Your top ten things that you don't hear people say in Malaysia.

Those who look the other way

"The first rule of bureaucracy is self preservation" - Rafael Barba

Watching SVU this week was hard. I couldn't watch it in one go. I felt sick to my stomach half way through the show because I know far too well how this goes. I had the privilege to watch as a by stander as such atrocities were committed. I couldn't do anything because my hands were tied, tied by a promise I made, tied by self preservation. All I could do was make sure he was gone. I didn't want anyone to go through what she had to go through but I did everything that I could.

Today she is married and happy, I can't say anything anymore. It's too late, she'd move on, but deep down I know she's probably pretending she'd move on. I guess I just want to believe she moved on for good, maybe then I would have a reason not to say anything, for the sake of her future and probably mine.

I am scared that if I ever say anything, my degree would be yanked and everything would be gone. I really really want to believe that all is well. He knew he had a prior rape accusation, yet he let him live on campus with complete access to a hunting ground. He didn't do anything, I doubt he even talk to her. He gets to walk away, received scholarships, and graduate. All because he was a star athlete. 

I feel disgusted at myself sometimes, why I didn't do more. At least he left, that's the only thing I could take comfort in. Whether he left on his own accord or because he was afraid I would tell, doesn't matter. I go to sleep hoping that he is the problem and not the school. Every time when I run to her and tell her about it, she was so apathetic, unsympathetic, and in some way felt like the girl deserve to be rape.

Maybe she would change if she knew it was her daughter. Stuck between mother and child, having to pretend everything is okay, smiling in front of her while every fiber in my muscle wanted to scream the truth, the truth -- Someone you called a friend look the other way when your daughter was rape.

I didn't want to hurt anyone. I just want peace and order and not to rock the boat. I made a promise, a promise to a friend, a friend who have been mistreated, forgotten, hurt, and disregarded when she needed those around her to stand up for her. They fed her to the wolves, I don't want to do that, that's why I kept quiet... because I didn't know what to do anymore.

Am I the only one that is being eaten alive by this guilt? I hope not...

Cynicism Towards Men

First of all this is NOT a post about MEN HATING. It is a post about certain type of men rather than the whole gender itself. 

Recently, I have bump into a few friends who struck the same chord as my relationship did. It really bring home those memories as I can relate to what they are going through. Even though the details and the dynamic of the relationship is different and unique in every relationship, there is a common theme that seems to follow these broken relationships.

My friends are not perfect, neither am I. I'm not blaming the failings of a relationship on men, but rather on a certain type of attitude and outlook.  The common theme that precedes a breakup is usually there is a problem. It could be emotional or financial, the female tries to work it out, the men stick around to enjoy a free ride while we work on the relationship. When it gets rocky and we can't seem to fix it, they bail.

Not all relationships are like that and I applaud you if you found a men that is willing to work for a relationship. But this is a common theme shared among me and those whom are dear to me. What made these men so lazy, entitled and selfish? Maybe because we are willing to walk the extra mile for them because we care and they took it for granted. 

I can't say my opinion about men is not colored after what I've been through. If you can find a men who won't bail on you when things get tough, won't replace you when you grow old, and smart enough to see that you would wipe his wrinkly ass and clean his denture when he looks like the love child of Jabba the Hut and Dumbledore, I say keep him. Sadly, most men these days see marriage as something that last a few years, a serious relationship as perks - cheaper rent, free sex, free maid, and sometimes free punching bag.

There are many horror stories about how men disowned their family because he had a mentally challenged child. Can I not be cynical about men? No. If I date women, I'm pretty sure I'd be cynical towards them too.

It's not love that is hard to find in this world, it's commitment, responsibility, and character. 

They will "promise" to give you the moon when things are going well, and when things get ruff, you should be happy if he gives you your stuff back. Crappy men comes from all walks of life, we can blame their childhood, poor parenting, culture, and so on. But the biggest contributor is women.

Yes I said it. Stop sticking around when he is a dick. Stop putting up with him. Stop being so desperate. If you draw a line and refuse to lower the bar, they can either rise above or leave. Women give men way too much slack. This is the reason why they think behaviors such as unemployment by choice, hitting you, calling you names, refusing to work for a relationship is acceptable. 

It is shocking to me how when someone with standards stood up and say it's not okay, these men start verbally attacking them and tell them this is "how relationship" works and this is what "real life is" since "everyone is doing it" and you're being "controlling and mean". 

Fuck you. Yeah, I'd rather be rich, successful, and single than to be with someone lazy, uncommitted, stupid, indecisive, and most of all selfish. I don't plan to pay your bills bro, nor am I planning to have your kids so you can receive welfare checks. Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional. Women, mothers, and sisters, please stop preventing our men from growing up.

Most Important Thing in Life is to be Happy

 Searching for graduate school can be daunting task. From choosing a program to writing your statement of purpose. Along this road of craziness, I gave up on my dream of ever being a successful psychologist. My backward country have little to know awareness of mental health. If I were to ever become a psychologist in this country, I would starve to death.

I started looking into other programs because the money was easy and the future job prospect tolerable. I figure I could volunteer during my free time to feel that need and simply stick to a profession that I do not loaf.

This week has been a weird week. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I realize how much I've been trying to live by other people's standard of success. How my fear of the future controlled me and push me into making decisions that I will regret. I decided that I'd rather live my dream or die trying. If I can do something that I love for a day, I am willing to take the risk of failing.

I really love doing what I do and I'm going to try and get into a clinical psychology program. Speech Therapy sounds interesting and is a lucrative market, but ultimately, those people deserve someone more passionate than me. At the end of the day, money is just money. I don't want to be lying on my deathbed 60 years from now and ask myself why I never did the things that I've always wanted to do. Sometimes it takes a a brave soul, a leap of faith, and the believe that all roads will eventually lead to Rome to get us through the day.

Lazy, unappreciative, and entitled people -.-

*Rant Alert

We all know, met, or befriended a brat at one point of our lives. While I was job searching (still...-.-) I came across an ad for a job opening encouraging bumis to apply. *clears throat I'm not about to go into the politics of it and if you're not Malaysian, Bumiputras originally meant aboriginals or indigenous. But the term in Malaysia is used loosely to indicate a certain racial group. To make it easier for those who are not local, it basically means anyone who is brown (just simplifying not trying to be offensive). 

I got upset when I saw it and didn't apply. There is a lot of reasons for non bumis to be upset due to a racially charge environment. But mine has nothing to do with that, I think I've move on from the racial argument and I don't want to get into politics (we have too much of that lately due to the upcoming general election). 

I'm upset and angry at people who had a good job ( and I mean GOOD), quit it, and claim that it is below them and they feel like they are better than that... that they deserve something bigger, like -- head of department? Really girl? you just started working, you can't even tell the difference between your responsibility and Joe's responsibility. 

It just angers me how entitled some people feel that they rather quit their jobs, stayed at home, and go to interviews to see if the job suits them instead of the other way around. If you're such a hotshot, you wouldn't be jobless. Just ... stop. 

The saddest thing is these people believe that the only way to get ahead is kiss ass. I know a lot of people do, and if you're one of them, I'm sorry I'm not a believer. If you have what it takes, you don't need to kiss ass. Kissing ass is for people with no ability, skill, experience, or what it takes. I'm not saying you go punch your boss in the face and expect a raise. 

You don't have to pick a fight or piss him off on purpose. Just do your part and make sure you do it well. You know, honest simple worker? If you think your boss is stupid not to know who is kissing ass, you need to live in a different planet.

News flash, some people hate being brown nose. Yeah, and those are usually really cool people *Jenna Marbles stare. In the end, you just end up attracting insecure, pompous, jerks to be your friends instead of real, honest, no nonsense, nice people. Think about that. 

Takers, givers, and something in between.

Started doing yoga today. Loved it, can't wait till I can do all those awesome posses. Anyhow, today was a frustrating day for me. It hasn't rain for a few weeks and it was close to 40 degrees (100f ) and it was unbearable.

I'm loosing my patience when it comes to getting a job and is getting desperate. I know I should stay calm and it takes awhile for some companies to respond, but it's really hard when you can't stop comparing yourself with others.

Have you ever met someone that is so broken that you don't know how they manage to stay alive for so long? Well I do, and it can be very frustrating. It's a sad sight but I've done all that I can. You get to truly see a person for who they are when they face their biggest fear.

Sometimes we wonder why people avoid us, why we are friendless, lonely, and no one seem to want to have anything to do with us. Sometimes it's probably because you're a porcupine, or an insensitive asshole, or... A taker. You simply take in every relationship and see giving as something only "soft" people do. Insulting, calling your friend names, teasing, is your way to show affection... How childish.

I try not to change people in order to make my life easier but this is just "ugh". Yet when he is upset, he wants emotional support, kindness, and someone to listen to him. I did the best that I could but ultimtely he shoot me a "I don't want to argue with you, I'm going to go to my corner" when I try to challenge his "manly" believe.

To that I say "ok bye." You're an adult, if you don't want to deal with your issues, I ain't going to safe you. It's a different story if you don't know what your issue is or is working on it, but wanting someone to come and rescue you and love you "despite" of your issues... Grow up :/ we all have to learn to love ourselves and deal with our own crap.

I know it's cruel for me to be so objective during this time as he is facing a major crisis, I can't help but feel that it's karma. If you're an insensitive dick, chances are your friends are too. I don't want to beat him down, but what about me? Be called on only when he is bored, sad, or needed a therapist. Or when he feels like telling me what is right and show me how manly he is...

Man and their rigid gender roles are only going to hurt themselves. I told him it's his believe, he can change it or hang on to it, his choice and he will have to live with it. He try to generalized that every men whether asian or caucasian are the same. To that I say bullshit, he doesn't know everyone. Just because he is fuck up in the head doesn't mean everyone is.

Trying to say that to show control, power, and intelligence (haha) is ..... just showing how inecure and small he is. I'm just frustrated and feel used. It would be better if he makes me feel like a therapist, at least I'm not getting lash outs, guilt trips, or crap. I feel like a sandbag, when he gets bored and feel like punching it, I have to tke it because I should be kind since he is going through a lot. Simply put, I feel like crap, and I don't want to bother anyone else. *sigh...

Feeling nostalgic.. Or maybe it's pms

So I've been having a hard time sleeping for the past few days. Every time when I close my eyes, I started thinking about... Him. Yeah, I'm no longer crying my eyeballs out but there's just a tinge of...sadness that just comes over me and I would just stay in that moment.

Sometimes I wonder if it's pms. But on the other hand I know it's part of the process. Him and a lot of other things bring out a lot of feelings and a lot of other stuff that I never knew exist. It's like a magician pulling a handkerchief out of a hat. One hanky tied to another and it just keep on pulling. I really wanted a job badly. Staying at home and doing nothing is giving my brain too much time for crap thinking. Yes, it's an official word now - crap thinking.

My negative believe of "my needs don't matter" is still deeply affecting my life. I feel mean or bad when I disagree with someone I cared about be it a friend or a relative. Or if I told the truth about what I think of them, or have a conversation that would hurt someone's feelings. Since I believe my needs don't matter, it's easier for me to swallow whatever I feel or issues and "not be mean" to the other person.

By being nice to other people, I became mean to myself. It's a tough balancing act and I'm still trying to figure it out. No doubt it will take some time. Rejecting other people is something I have a hard time doing. I feel mean for doing it, it often takes a long time, and a lot of crap enduring for me to finally decide to walk away. When I should've just left in the first place, which was what I kept telling myself x.x

I feel like I'm torturing myself sometimes. Knowing what to do and what kind of pain is waiting for me ahead, yet I felt helpless and unable to act according to my better judgement. Bound by my feelings to do what I know is wrong. It's as if I have lost my freedom to choose. Maybe I have lost that freedom. As they say, we often don't do what we want, we do what we know.

Friendship

Dear Gab,

We haven't talk for almost 5 years now. The last time we talk was when you called me on the day of the Beijing Olympic closing ceremony. As usual it was a booty call, you were bored with the boys at the club and probably had one too many drinks and needed some tits and booty to stare at. I was tired of the way you treat me and the people around you. I was waiting for you to start being nice to the people around you, and I finally realize you'll never change.

I was tired of being treated like a booty call. Never a word of appreciation or even thank you when I cover your ass. I cleaned up your shit (literally, remember your room?) when you were too fuck up to care. Well it didn't matter, because a few years later you turn your back on everything you believed and said and started doing drugs. You lied when I ask you and that was just one of many bullshit you pulled.

I treated you like a real friend. We grew up together, live through hell together.I always tell people that my one true vacation where I have a say on going was going back to my hometown alone. I stop going after you act like a dick and drove home drunk. You could've got us killed or killed someone. And I wasn't going to be a part of that. We were all lock in a room fulled of second hand smoke while you and most of your friends get drunk. I remember going outside with H to get a breathe of fresh air. That was the best part of the night. You refuse to go home, and wanted to go out for food, when we're finally done, rain started to pour. You being the dickhead and sissy that you are, refuse to go to your car because "its raining"

I remember I was so piss I wanted to kill you. You just wouldn't budge. H ended up going to your car for you, and for the next six months I was severely ill. I waited and waited for you to be a good friend, I even told you how I was sick for 6 months. Your response was awesome, you told me that it builds my immune system and I should thank you for it. Yeah, I and a million other people should thank you for not killing anyone that night.

All those time I tried to be considerate and nice because I know what life is like to live with an abusive parent. But instead of being there to support each other, you just became another person who used me. That's why I left and never look back. It hurts me even until today, because I still wish the best for you. But from what I heard, you have yet to change. You have no one to blame for your troubles but yourself. Yes you were dealt a bad hand, so was I. I guess maybe I felt so hurt for walking away because I did the same that night. They could've killed you. I still couldn't live with myself over it and it took so much courage for me to say enough is enough and walk away.

I don't owe you anything anymore. Those years or shit you put me through, I'm sorry I didn't stood up for you, I was scared. I could only imagine what you felt, and I will never stop feeling rotten about it. But I can't go back there. I always thought we were going to be friends for life. But I guess that was a stretch. I still hope that you'd change, for your own good before you hurt someone really really bad.

Someone who use to know you.

Choices

Our life is affected by the choices we make, or the choices other people make. Life is a series of choices and living out the aftermath of ones choice. Recently, I've come across people who do not believe in making bad choices, only choices that "feel good" or it was something they "felt like doing". I try not to judge other people for the way they live. I try to steer clear of such people because I know all too well what they can do to the people around them.

I pass along very harsh judgements about others and I feel bad about it. That's probably why I judge myself mercilessly. It's hard not to feel angry and hurt when people who have no basis of making right choices tells you that your standards are too high and you will never meet anyone, simply because they have no standards themselves. Their recklessness cause so much pain towards others and themselves yet they fail to see it. 

To them, that is freedom. All I see is a broken heart, a train of people being hurt, parents who are being hurl into a hurricane, and even his own life. If that's freedom, then Osama bin Laden must be asian. I like to look at both sides of a coin, but sometimes, people are simply stuck in their ways. It's ok to agree to disagree, but there are some people who can't accept that. Either they convert you or die trying... (Reminds me of cults and crazy christians... Hahaha) 

I like to think of myself as someone who is smart enough not to fall for that. I was beginning to consider it and realize this is not a good influence on my life. I know what I want in my future and I've spend the last 7 years protecting it with everything I have. I need good friends, not someone who clouds my judgement morally and even logically. 

The sad part is, He is a really nice friend. And I think he deserve to have friends. Of course I feel horrible leaving (yup.... It's always about everyone. Ugh I need to stop). I just have to realize that whatever he deserves, I deserve to have good friends too. Maybe we're just too different to even be friends. 

I don't think I can be around someone who can't own up their own shit, clean it up, and learn from it. I guess that was what I was trying to say the whole time. Refusal to admit or even look at the shit he has cause is just... Unacceptable. We all make mistakes, but to refuse to learn from it, own up to it, and make amends for it... I don't want to be around someone like that mainly because I don't want to be the next person buried in their shit, knowing that I will be the one who will have to clean it up for them. Or maybe, he own up, I just never heard it or is too busy to want to hear it.

I've spend most of my life cleaning up after others. And I'm tired of always being the "reliable" person in every shit. Or the"she's always fine" person in every picture. I wouldn't be where I am today if I didn't turn my life around 7 years ago. I still remember having all those"friends" crapping all over my life and my future. Cleaning up their mess each and every day. There were days that I couldn't sleep but cry. to them, they have the freedom to do whatever they want, and then leave when they make a mess. I was this close of getting kick out of high school, turning to drugs, and practically throwing my life out the window.

I can't go back there, I made so many sacrifices and work so hard to get to where I am today. Maybe someday we can be friends. I still held out the same hope for Gab. 

Life of job hunting and uncertainties.

The uncertainty of looking for a job and doing nothing at home is.... boring. I'm trying my best to be positive and cherish every second I have as I know these moments will be missed. There are times when I can't sleep and he would crept back into my mind, but it has gotten a whole lot better. A lot of my friends have been contacting me lately, strange but good.

I always believed that people don't want to have anything to do with me. That I'm a strange, big meanie that only a small number of people could endure. Funny how I'm beginning to realize that is not the case. At this point, it doesn't matter if I meet someone or not. I guess the most important thing in life is friendship and the people you are surrounded with.

Singapore is looking more and more promising as Australia's licensing process is anything but straight forward. I really need a break from this small town. I just need a change of pace, a new adventure, and hopefully new friends. There is nothing wrong with my old friends, just different perspective, different background.

So nowadays I just stay home, play old nostalgic games on my 4 year old barely working laptop, talking to my dog, bath my dog, assist my dog in catch wild prey be it lizard or birds.

p.s some pictures from my vacation

You and I

One day, I sat beneath a tree reading my favorite book. Never pay attention to my surroundings nor give a damn about it. People come and go. Some I knew, some I don't. Some I thought I knew, some I never thought I'd know. But then I met you. You sat next to me under the tree, reading the same book. You were different, your affection for me was more than my appearance.

We became best friends. I could never imagine a day without you. We were so close, but there was a problem. I thought you weren't good enough for me, beneath me, that you would never leave because you wouldn't find someone better.

I began to say harsh things to you. Bad things, things I called truth. And you began to do the same. You started hiding and became increasingly harsh towards me. At some point, I realize you were the best thing that ever happen to me, I stopped. Because I realize, I wanted you in my life and you're not beneath me. But it was too late, I try to salvage our relationship, but you tore the book apart. The book that we both so love. You made promises that you couldn't keep only to impress me because you didn't believe you were good enough.

You promise to meet me under the tree yet you never showed up. You promised I would never be cold and that you would always be there for me. Yet the very next day, you stood up and walk off. Without a word and disappear, never to return again.

I no longer have a book to read, or a friend to sit under the tree with. I sat there alone, looking at other people, crying. Because I was truly alone. Many people came along, some were nice, some weren't. But I realize we both made mistakes, and you decided to leave, because you weren't smart enough to see that I'd always be there for you no matter what.

Now that you're gone. I no longer read. Instead I paint, everyday under the same tree, painting my surroundings and the people I meet. Hoping that one day, I will met someone like minded who is smart enough to see that beauty is more than skin deep. Intelligent enough to know that words carry weight and only say what they mean.

Maybe someday you'll come back, under the tree. But it wouldn't matter anymore, because I would be long gone, painting in a different part of town with people who actually smile and is happy because they are breathing.

Reaching out

I never figure out how to ask for help or reach out when times are tough. It's easier for me when things are so bad that I would just break down. Before I came home, I was worried I wouldn't have any emotional support due to the lack of friends. Some quickly offered up their friendship and buttered up to me.

As I begin to rely on these relationships, I realize most of them wanted something from me. It's sad to see how things have become. While those who genuinely care about me have a life not to mention very busy due to the upcoming holiday. I don't know how to tell them what I'm going through. I feel bad because I know I will be disturbing them. Most of all, I don't know if they would care. Maybe it's a big deal to me but not to them. I don't know.

My family is a patchwork of shit consisting of extended family who would swallow us up every chance they get. While my great uncle lies in the hospital bed hopefully not taking his last breathe, I can't help but wonder what kind of person would hurt their own brother or uncle for a penny.

The oven broke today. I don't know. I still have to get my transcript, unpack my stuff, apply for grad school, deal with emotional crap (making friends, starting a new life and what not) and remember to call the airline to refund my ticket, and talk to the school about my transcript because we no longer have a fax machine.

All these things aren't that bad. The worst part is that it reminds me of my first semester in college. I tried my best to meet new people and make friends but to no avail, I was betrayed, back stabbed, and laugh at. I'm just scared that I'll end up there again.

Talk to my friend Sarah for a bit. It was nice. Didn't know what to tell her regarding my recent pile of elephant crap. Looking forward to hanging out with her this weekend. I feel bad contacting someone just to spill my crap to them. I feel like using them when I do that and maybe they don't want to hear about it. Sometimes, I just wish I can get a hug. I miss my friends, I don't have a good feeling about this.

Moment of clarity

Since my last post, a lot has happen. I'm finally home and am working with my mum on her cookie business. Bought a new phone and started looking up graduate schools. Planning to work on my statement of purpose this weekend. After he left, life have been better. I do more for myself, I examine my motives behind my actions more often. And my journey thus far have been successful.

I've tried to convince myself many things over the course of my life, for some reason I don't think I'm good enough to be able to find something better. I know in my heart of hearts that I can never be with someone who would not put me first and have a train of baggage. But somehow, I'm able to convince myself to "like" someone with a different kind of baggage and call it "circumstances". If there was one thing he was right about, it was the fact that I have horrible taste in men.

I've been learning to wait and simply be me. Being accepted and having a good time doesn't mean you have to date them. It's ok not to date nice people, it's not rude to do that. I've learn so much and change so much for the better because of that relationship, I can't say I'm not glad it happened.

Even though I recently found out the ring was fake, I was shock at how peaceful I felt. I was disappointed and shock, but I wasn't angry. Maybe I'm just tired of being angry, tired of being let down, tired of being tired. Sometimes moving on is more of a choice than a feeling. You just have to make a choice to start a process.

4 years... Only a quater of it was good

Having one of my moments and can't sleep. Thinking about what happened for the last 4 years of my life. How I rarely use my phone because I never really had anyone to call. I didn't really had any friends. I spent most of my time either being bullied or alone.

One thing for sure, many people will miss their life in college and refuse to grow up, as for me, I'm glad I met the people I did and at least a quater of it was good. It's rotten to feel that people didn't want to be friends with you simply because you are different. I spent most of my time feeling scared and alone and not accepted because I refuse to act like them.

He was my closest friend and my best friend during those times. He was the only person I talk to, who accepted me for who I am and cared about me. How he told me I'll never be cold again because he will always be there. He likes making promises he can't keep and talking big. He once suggested to meet my parents in England. Once the opportunity presented itself, he back out of it like a child. Not surprising though, that was not the only thing that he failed to live up to.

I just want someone who is responsible. Responsible enough to know the weight their words carry, man enough to tell me the truth when things are not going well. Man enough to stand up to me when I'm going crazy on him. He was too busy trying to impress me. I never really know him. The man I knew was a fake that he put up. The illusion can only last so long.

I never realize how strong and how brave I was. I thought I needed crutches to go through this life. The crutches of unhealthy people, the crutches of a relationship. I rely on others to make me happy instead of making my own happiness. We need relationships to be happy, but you have the power to choose what kind of people you want to be surrounded by.

Most importantly, stop trying to make a swine sing, it will only frustrates you and annoy the pig. If certain people can't meet your emotional needs, don't hope for them to change. Look for another relationship, people rarely change. They don't become emotionally attached, healthy, loving, kind, and empathethic over night either. Move on. Something I have to learn during these past few months.

Can't say my life is worst without him. I do miss him from time to time. But I have made so many friends during the last month of college. I'm no longer depress (surprisingly), I wanted to live a better life and be a better person. Most of all, I've learn a lot about myself, the mistakes, the bitterness, they all have to go. I'm more positive despite my circumstances, I've learn to be grateful for the things I have and appreciate the here and now. I no longer live in fear, I now live in hope. Knowing that I and I alone can can decide what tomorrow will be like. My friends were right, I am brave, I've always been brave, I believed what my family told me after years and years of verbal abuse. That I was useless and a "paper tiger" and that I was even afraid of my own shadow.

Well, I'm done believing in bullshit, I didn't live this long just to hang on to a lie told by a bunch of pussies who won't take their kids out of school because it was "hard"