I never figure out how to ask for help or reach out when times are tough. It's easier for me when things are so bad that I would just break down. Before I came home, I was worried I wouldn't have any emotional support due to the lack of friends. Some quickly offered up their friendship and buttered up to me.
As I begin to rely on these relationships, I realize most of them wanted something from me. It's sad to see how things have become. While those who genuinely care about me have a life not to mention very busy due to the upcoming holiday. I don't know how to tell them what I'm going through. I feel bad because I know I will be disturbing them. Most of all, I don't know if they would care. Maybe it's a big deal to me but not to them. I don't know.
My family is a patchwork of shit consisting of extended family who would swallow us up every chance they get. While my great uncle lies in the hospital bed hopefully not taking his last breathe, I can't help but wonder what kind of person would hurt their own brother or uncle for a penny.
The oven broke today. I don't know. I still have to get my transcript, unpack my stuff, apply for grad school, deal with emotional crap (making friends, starting a new life and what not) and remember to call the airline to refund my ticket, and talk to the school about my transcript because we no longer have a fax machine.
All these things aren't that bad. The worst part is that it reminds me of my first semester in college. I tried my best to meet new people and make friends but to no avail, I was betrayed, back stabbed, and laugh at. I'm just scared that I'll end up there again.
Talk to my friend Sarah for a bit. It was nice. Didn't know what to tell her regarding my recent pile of elephant crap. Looking forward to hanging out with her this weekend. I feel bad contacting someone just to spill my crap to them. I feel like using them when I do that and maybe they don't want to hear about it. Sometimes, I just wish I can get a hug. I miss my friends, I don't have a good feeling about this.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Moment of clarity
Since my last post, a lot has happen. I'm finally home and am working with my mum on her cookie business. Bought a new phone and started looking up graduate schools. Planning to work on my statement of purpose this weekend. After he left, life have been better. I do more for myself, I examine my motives behind my actions more often. And my journey thus far have been successful.
I've tried to convince myself many things over the course of my life, for some reason I don't think I'm good enough to be able to find something better. I know in my heart of hearts that I can never be with someone who would not put me first and have a train of baggage. But somehow, I'm able to convince myself to "like" someone with a different kind of baggage and call it "circumstances". If there was one thing he was right about, it was the fact that I have horrible taste in men.
I've been learning to wait and simply be me. Being accepted and having a good time doesn't mean you have to date them. It's ok not to date nice people, it's not rude to do that. I've learn so much and change so much for the better because of that relationship, I can't say I'm not glad it happened.
Even though I recently found out the ring was fake, I was shock at how peaceful I felt. I was disappointed and shock, but I wasn't angry. Maybe I'm just tired of being angry, tired of being let down, tired of being tired. Sometimes moving on is more of a choice than a feeling. You just have to make a choice to start a process.
I've tried to convince myself many things over the course of my life, for some reason I don't think I'm good enough to be able to find something better. I know in my heart of hearts that I can never be with someone who would not put me first and have a train of baggage. But somehow, I'm able to convince myself to "like" someone with a different kind of baggage and call it "circumstances". If there was one thing he was right about, it was the fact that I have horrible taste in men.
I've been learning to wait and simply be me. Being accepted and having a good time doesn't mean you have to date them. It's ok not to date nice people, it's not rude to do that. I've learn so much and change so much for the better because of that relationship, I can't say I'm not glad it happened.
Even though I recently found out the ring was fake, I was shock at how peaceful I felt. I was disappointed and shock, but I wasn't angry. Maybe I'm just tired of being angry, tired of being let down, tired of being tired. Sometimes moving on is more of a choice than a feeling. You just have to make a choice to start a process.
Monday, January 7, 2013
4 years... Only a quater of it was good
Having one of my moments and can't sleep. Thinking about what happened for the last 4 years of my life. How I rarely use my phone because I never really had anyone to call. I didn't really had any friends. I spent most of my time either being bullied or alone.
One thing for sure, many people will miss their life in college and refuse to grow up, as for me, I'm glad I met the people I did and at least a quater of it was good. It's rotten to feel that people didn't want to be friends with you simply because you are different. I spent most of my time feeling scared and alone and not accepted because I refuse to act like them.
He was my closest friend and my best friend during those times. He was the only person I talk to, who accepted me for who I am and cared about me. How he told me I'll never be cold again because he will always be there. He likes making promises he can't keep and talking big. He once suggested to meet my parents in England. Once the opportunity presented itself, he back out of it like a child. Not surprising though, that was not the only thing that he failed to live up to.
I just want someone who is responsible. Responsible enough to know the weight their words carry, man enough to tell me the truth when things are not going well. Man enough to stand up to me when I'm going crazy on him. He was too busy trying to impress me. I never really know him. The man I knew was a fake that he put up. The illusion can only last so long.
I never realize how strong and how brave I was. I thought I needed crutches to go through this life. The crutches of unhealthy people, the crutches of a relationship. I rely on others to make me happy instead of making my own happiness. We need relationships to be happy, but you have the power to choose what kind of people you want to be surrounded by.
Most importantly, stop trying to make a swine sing, it will only frustrates you and annoy the pig. If certain people can't meet your emotional needs, don't hope for them to change. Look for another relationship, people rarely change. They don't become emotionally attached, healthy, loving, kind, and empathethic over night either. Move on. Something I have to learn during these past few months.
Can't say my life is worst without him. I do miss him from time to time. But I have made so many friends during the last month of college. I'm no longer depress (surprisingly), I wanted to live a better life and be a better person. Most of all, I've learn a lot about myself, the mistakes, the bitterness, they all have to go. I'm more positive despite my circumstances, I've learn to be grateful for the things I have and appreciate the here and now. I no longer live in fear, I now live in hope. Knowing that I and I alone can can decide what tomorrow will be like. My friends were right, I am brave, I've always been brave, I believed what my family told me after years and years of verbal abuse. That I was useless and a "paper tiger" and that I was even afraid of my own shadow.
Well, I'm done believing in bullshit, I didn't live this long just to hang on to a lie told by a bunch of pussies who won't take their kids out of school because it was "hard"
One thing for sure, many people will miss their life in college and refuse to grow up, as for me, I'm glad I met the people I did and at least a quater of it was good. It's rotten to feel that people didn't want to be friends with you simply because you are different. I spent most of my time feeling scared and alone and not accepted because I refuse to act like them.
He was my closest friend and my best friend during those times. He was the only person I talk to, who accepted me for who I am and cared about me. How he told me I'll never be cold again because he will always be there. He likes making promises he can't keep and talking big. He once suggested to meet my parents in England. Once the opportunity presented itself, he back out of it like a child. Not surprising though, that was not the only thing that he failed to live up to.
I just want someone who is responsible. Responsible enough to know the weight their words carry, man enough to tell me the truth when things are not going well. Man enough to stand up to me when I'm going crazy on him. He was too busy trying to impress me. I never really know him. The man I knew was a fake that he put up. The illusion can only last so long.
I never realize how strong and how brave I was. I thought I needed crutches to go through this life. The crutches of unhealthy people, the crutches of a relationship. I rely on others to make me happy instead of making my own happiness. We need relationships to be happy, but you have the power to choose what kind of people you want to be surrounded by.
Most importantly, stop trying to make a swine sing, it will only frustrates you and annoy the pig. If certain people can't meet your emotional needs, don't hope for them to change. Look for another relationship, people rarely change. They don't become emotionally attached, healthy, loving, kind, and empathethic over night either. Move on. Something I have to learn during these past few months.
Can't say my life is worst without him. I do miss him from time to time. But I have made so many friends during the last month of college. I'm no longer depress (surprisingly), I wanted to live a better life and be a better person. Most of all, I've learn a lot about myself, the mistakes, the bitterness, they all have to go. I'm more positive despite my circumstances, I've learn to be grateful for the things I have and appreciate the here and now. I no longer live in fear, I now live in hope. Knowing that I and I alone can can decide what tomorrow will be like. My friends were right, I am brave, I've always been brave, I believed what my family told me after years and years of verbal abuse. That I was useless and a "paper tiger" and that I was even afraid of my own shadow.
Well, I'm done believing in bullshit, I didn't live this long just to hang on to a lie told by a bunch of pussies who won't take their kids out of school because it was "hard"
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