Today I woke up after 3 hours of sleep, I realize I was still tired but my body was reacting to my grieve. I just lay back down and sleep again instead of wallowing why I woke up after 3 hours. I didn't cry today, woke up and the 1st thing that came to mind was "what time is it?" instead of "was it a dream?"
It still hurts to be abandon but I'm able to move past "what ifs" and self pity, and grieve the lost. I did however cry in the shower, but not for him nor for me. I cried because I realize how much I missed out in life, and how ungrateful I was for all the good things in my life. I have so much yet I was unsatisfied, always comparing and assuming others have it better.
Looking at our relationship was like looking into a mirror. I saw myself in him, one of my friend gave me a dose of reality check. After I told him how my ex was an angry person, he responded with " you're both angry people". He was right, I didn't like the company of miserable people, I saw where they were heading and detest being around them because of their bitterness. Yet I fail to see what life was trying to teach me. Over and over again, I fail to learn the lesson of being thankful. I always wonder if there was anything I can do to make peace with my past. Not just with my ex, but with myself, with those who have wronged me, with those whom I've wronged.
I carried this huge luggage of bad memories and air it out every chance I get because I refuse to pretend I was happy. I didn't think it was possible to be truly happy, and those who appear to do so are faking it. Instead of wallowing in self-pity and finger pointing, some people chose to look at the bright side of life and be grateful.
Gratitude is a shade of happiness. It's a choice to make to be thankful, a choice and a goal I will try to reach everyday, one day at a time, to become the person I want to be.
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