23rd March 2014

It still hurts when I see your face pop up on facebook. I am stupid, I haven been going through this ritual of blocking you and unblocking you. Hoping it would hurt less with each cycle.

I realize my life has just begun after you left. I have friends, I have social things to go to, I have school, I have a life. But for some reason, I am still hung up about what happen. Maybe not so much you, but more about how I felt.

When we were together I have no life outside of you. Every day life was about spending time with you and doing things together. I have no friends, no social events, no alone time, nothing.... you were my crutch just as I am yours.

The separation was for the better. I guess we both saw it coming, you were more realistic whereas I just want to pretend everything was alright. I just wish the break up was more amicable. You were an asshole, not because you were a bad boyfriend. You're an asshole because you refuse to sent my stuff back, pay me back the money you owe me, and gave me a fake engagement ring.

I hate you not because you broke up with me. I hate you because you lied to me and refuse to apologize for being an asshole. People move on and leave, it hurts, but what makes it worst is the way you do it.

The fact that it hurt so much is because I trusted you. I thought no matter what happen we would at least have some respect for each other as human beings and not stoop to such levels. You did eventually moved and so did I.

I am finally doing something that makes me happy. I am going to school for my master's degree just like the way I want it. You moved to England just like you've always wanted. I want to be happy for you but I can't. Not after the way you treated me. Until the day when I look at your picture and feel sorry for you, wondering why a sorry piece of excuse like you was so unfortunately brought to earth, I might be able to wish you well. 

Friend zone

Friend zone is a phenomenon when a women treats you nothing more than a friend when you wanted something more. It's a peculiar place, or a bad place according to most people.

Peculiar simply because I've seen people escape the friend zone by patiently staying in it and crawl out of it inch by inch. But for every victory there is a thousand defeats. Anyone who have been in the friend zone knows how hard it is. You invest your time, effort, hope, and so on not knowing if you'll ever get to be more than friends. No wonder most people quit before they even try.

It's hard being in a place where you can't escape, it's even worst when you have to deal with this person on a daily basis. Men always wonder why they are being friend zoned, often blaming women for their demise. Yes there are women who would put good men in friend zone and date assholes.

However the majority of women are simply not interested for other reasons. In my most honest opinion I believe most men put themselves in the friend zone without knowing it. When we say we want to date a nice gentleman, most of us mean it.

That means we are looking for someone who cares about us not just what we are. What do I mean by that? I have men who ascribes feelings for me without asking me how I feel about things. They would assume that is how I feel or should feel and make choices accordingly completely ignoring the fact that I am a living breathing human being. If I do voice up, most would be nice enough to listen while a small portion of these men would shut me down and tell me that's not how I "should" feel. Why shouldn't I friend zone men like this? Heck they are lucky they are in friend zone and not in the ass hole zone.

It's hard to say no nicely. There is no way to completely eliminate the sting of rejection. We usually try to be nice and say it the nicest possible way and I know it's hard no matter how easy we try to let you down. I start thanking whatever deity I feel like believing that day for friend zoning men who takes rejection badly like a butt hurt 6 year old boy. I have guys who feel the need to pass rude judgements about me or reject me in some other way to get even because I didn't want to go out with them. And yet these particular men would tell me how I am single and not dating because I friend zone good men like .... ahem... wait for it... them. Yeah, you're so awesome that a no sends you flying off the handle....

I guess what I am trying to say is be nice and don't try to get even or be mean to people who turn you down nicely. Chances are, they just don't want to waste your time, money, and effort. You should thank them for being honest with you and either move on or try harder. Trying to get even or being mean only proves them right. Take the high road and be an adult, instead of wasting your time hating on people who friend zone you, you can use that time to meet someone new.

It's been awhile

You know there are moments when you think you're over something, and you think you're ready to move on only to realize you are still not over it.

I have come a long way ever since he left. But to say that I've completely move on is just a lie. I don't cry myself to bed anymore, I can watch South Park, play video games, and do the things I enjoy without having a meltdown.

I thought that was it, I am done, I am over it and I can finally move on. Moving on would have been a more accurate term. I've done it, am doing it, will do it eventually. I just realize all this time, almost everything I do was trying to fill that void that was created when he left. It still hurts, and I don't really know if you ever get over things like that but I have come pretty far.

I have made an effort to live the life I want and the way I want it and for that I am glad. I guess I can look at my progress as a silver lining and know that it could only get better from here.

I don't miss him, I miss having a best friend, having someone you can talk to about anything, someone you thought who would be there no matter what, someone you thought would not stab you in the back, someone you thought was different.

But I guess sometimes it takes a good whack from reality to be realistic and a little cynical about things. And I guess it's not always bad, it makes you see things more clearly.

Feeling Old

Being brave and moving on, I realize how much I've change. I guess it comes with age, I don't know. I am more chill, I worry less, and I just try my best to live the life that I want instead of thinking about it.

Knowing what I want and what I need, and the difference between the two. Wise enough to walk away from things that are not helpful to me in the long run and investing my time in things that matter. Not letting people waste my time, knowing that it is the most important resource that all of us are given.

Our life is made up of what we do in little insignificant moments. Spending time on things, activities, and people that won't enrich or add to our lives is just a waste of time. to live life to the fullest, you can't spend time on things that only takes away from your life and expect it to be meaningful.

If something is worth it, it will be there when all else fails.