When we think about the many characters we play in our everyday life friend, sister, girlfriend, counsellor, advisor, retail worker, best friend, etc., we often think of the different mask we wear to make those roles easier to play be it to hide certain emotions, to portray a certain confidence, or to simply protect others from the turmoil that may be going on behind the stage.
We've all done it. It's nothing wrong, it is necessary in order to function in society to have these roles/mask. Sometimes I feel like there is a mask that I wear that most people don't. The mask of a socially well adjusted human being. Before you think I am psycho let me explain. I am a socially well adjust human being, I can self-regulate and does not feel a need to punch a random human being for looking like one of my exes or that barista who made my coffee wrong. But sometimes, I need to put in an effort to be diplomatic and play nice. That's when I feel like I am playing a role with scripts written out for me. I know what it should look like, I know what to say, how to say, and when to say it. But it's not how I feel or want to do, but for the sake of peace or the greater good, I must become this person.
I have no problem in being that person or playing a diplomatic part. It usually yields positive results and that alone is a good enough reward to put on that mask. It's when the rewards never come and the bullshit continues that I feel ... pressured. Pressured to play the real me. To express without hesitation how I feel about that shitty cup of coffee and shitty attitude you display.
See, I was raise by abusive parents. I learned how to cuss before I learned how to spell the word "writing". I was raise in an environment that offers me ample study material on how to be a psychotic antisocial narcissist. I didn't get to learn how to be "normal" until I was 18 in college. Although that have been largely successful, I can never get rid of that psychotic antisocial narcissist. I just learn to dampen it's voice with reasoning and self control.
And for most days I can't even hear it squeek. But when reasoning and self control get's me more abuse, that's when the angry me would say "See? told you that wouldn't work. Let me take over and just drive this situation into a big car accident and watch it go boom!".
Yes, sounds like Jekyll and Hyde. Or the cartoonish version of an angel and a demon standing on each side of my shoulders arguing. The inner struggles of man. Some people love poking a bear with a stick, I don't know what reaction they were hoping for. When they get bit, they are often extremely surprise. What? were you expecting it to hug you with love? Or offer you toilet paper?
