I grew up in an emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive household. The funny thing about abuse is there are always some good times. It's not always bad. But the bad happens a lot and it's awful. I go to school with scars, some can be seen, others cannot.
I refuse to do my homework at school because of the troubles at home. I was told by teachers that I was lazy, stupid, and useless. They would tell the other kids not to befriend me because I will somehow "transfer" my laziness to them. I was bullied by the kids and beat up by the teachers for not doing my homework. And when I go home, I get to face the same treatment from my mother or my mostly absent poker face father who has no interest in our business except reading his paper.
I know what it's like to be scared, helpless, and hurt. And I know what monsters look like and sound like. As I grew up, the scars become less apparent. In high school, teachers are no longer allowed to beat us up. The beatings at home become less frequent due to my mother's unstable mental state and I stood up for myself when she tries to hit me.
However the abuse never stop. It just changed from something everyone can see to something that only I can feel. I was called names, threaten, and have my self value destroyed growing up believing I was worthless and stupid. My mum once told me that I don't deserve to have any friends because I was a difficult, ungrateful child, whom she shouldn't have had. She could have use all her money to travel instead of staying at home and raising us.
I was depress since I was 12. I wanted to end my life and always fantasize about dying. I would lie in bed most of the time staring at the ceiling wondering when I will die. I didn't want to stop living, I just want the pain to end.
Most of my extended family were unkind towards me. Name calling was common and I could not remember once that they were proud of me for something. There were exceptions and I am glad for those who loved me and stood by me and offer me support and believed me when I told them what I have to live with.
Everyone thought we were a happy family. It was a nightmare I would never wish upon anyone. My only way to get out was to go to college far away. I took my chances and ran the first chance I get. I wish I can say that my journey ends there and I live happily ever after.
I went through 4 years of hell confused and lost. I went to therapy for 4 years and it was probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I had to walk myself back from hell to where I am today all the while with people who were unkind and refuse to believe me. But with every mean spirited person who came around to beat me down, there was at least two kind and understanding person who came and stood by me.
And last Saturday, I have to come to a realization that the person I have been in a relationship with was doing the exact same thing that put me in my own hell and I refuse to let him. I didn't get to choose my parents and I didn't have the means to leave them, but I won't subject myself to these treatments again. I didn't come this far to go back to where I started. I am grateful for everyone who ever came to my side and told me it wasn't my fault and lend me a hand, a shoulder, or their ears. I wouldn't be alive today and I wouldn't have had the courage to defeat my inner demons and stood up for myself this time.
Looking back at how far I've come, those hard work and hard times I have to go through were not a waste. I still remember walking into therapy the first day because I wanted someone to save me from myself. I told Christy my life can never be normal and I will never enjoy the simple things in life because I can never regain what I lost. She look me dead in the eye and told me " I've been to hell, and I came back, you will enjoy the rainbows someday, if you don't believe yourself, at least believe me for now".
