I always thought the end of a relationship brings about nothing but pain, hatred, and more pain. There will always be pain, but what I realize today is that there will be lessons learned and some odd sense of positivity.
I finally did it. I told him I had to go and I can't do it anymore. I did it the best that I can, and the kindness way I could mustered. It's far from perfect but I did the best that I could. I know it's not good enough, I wish I can walk away without hurting anyone's feelings.
The moment I realize no matter what happen from now on, I cannot see myself in a relationship with him beyond this point. It's not going to happen. I always wonder why it took me so long to get away from this and I think I know why. I had friends (not close friends but friends none the less), I did well in school which increase my confidence, met new people and made new friends through volunteering. I feel better about myself and overall a lot more confident and strong.
I was able to make a clean end to it because I had something to stand on. He is still my best friend and the closest person I have right now and loosing that friendship hurts. But I can't let that keep me or him in a relationship that I know will not work. I can't play pretend and lie to him and make him think everything is okay, it would be downright cruel.
That's one mystery solved! The fact that abusive men attract me like crap attract flies baffles me. I know I have a problem but I never knew why. I think I might have figure it out today. I felt abandon growing up, that I was all alone and had no one. I had to fend for myself as a child and that was very traumatic. Most abusive partners will not leave a relationship simply because it's not that easy to find someone who would be happy to be abused on a daily basis. Unless they can find someone else that is easier to abuse and bully, they won't leave.
Somehow my brain figured that out and decided to stick with these men because hey doesn't matter if they shout at me or threaten to beat me, at least they won't leave me. It's not like I have friends, resources, or anything. I am a big girl now, not a kid anymore. I am more than capable of looking out for myself and I don't need to keep someone who drains my energy and hurt my feelings around me. Life is better off without these people.
I have to say, things have changed a lot ever since January. He stopped drinking (I mean getting hammered drunk, he still drinks), he got a job, he started complimenting me and treating me better. He stop calling me names and tried his best to control his temper. But none of that is going to change the fact that I don't trust him anymore.
It makes me really sad that even though he tried, I know things won't change. He was right, I don't have faith in him anymore and I am not willing to stick around and hope that he won't start gambling and drinking again. I am upset at myself that I dated someone who treated me so badly and stuck around, at the same time I am angry at myself for walking away when I've seen how hard he tried to change. I feel disgusted with myself that I can't accept the fact that he could change.
I am upset that I resented him for the choices he made. I feel like I should be supportive and kind, but I can't. I know I camr across as blunt and cruel to him when I broke it off. But it had to be done, I can't let him take whatever that is left of my life away from me and I can't rob him of a chance to wake up and look at his mistakes.
I am just heartbroken that I had to tell someone that I cared for for the last 13 months that I don't want to talk to them anymore and I feel ashamed to tell anyone that I am still dating him. I can't tell him I still care about him it will just make things worst. I am just sad that I have to hurt someone when they've tried so hard to make a difference.
