Don't Be Surprise When It's Too Late

Most important thing in life I've learn so far is kicking the assholes in your life to the curb and doing everything you can to keep the ones who love you close. Relationships typically do not change over night. They rarely do. It takes a long time and a lot of bullshit to land you on my "you're dead to me list" but some people inevitably do.

A person can only take so much crap in a relationship before they call it quits. It is generally a good idea to walk away after it happens instead of fucking with them behind their back. Best friends for more than 10 years, she was the first person I look up to. The first person I care about more than myself. I still remember the first time I laid my eyes on that particular plushie parrot. It was gorgeous, it had all kinds of colors. We were allowed to buy one (our supreme leader aka "Grandma" was in a good mood ) I wanted the parrot so bad, but they only had one. I pick it up and gave it to you, instead I pick up a boring cheetah for myself and told you it was ok.

Over the years many things happen. So many I lost count, some were my fault, some were a result of being in a "concentration camp", and then some were yours. I don't blame you for what happen when we were kids. We didn't know better and you were just trying to do your best. I still remember the first time you threaten me, you refuse to let me go downstairs to eat because I mess up your bed. I don't know if that happen after or before I got tired of your bullshit. I remember being really young crying and telling you how much I care about you and gave you things that I want badly yet you act like an ass. You were nice to me after that, I don't know for how long. I don't remember, but it didn't last.

Some say I dwell on the past too much, you would definitely say that. Excuses is your middle name. For everything that happen you have a perfectly good "reason" for it. I put up with you because you were the only family I had, and I thought that was the best I deserve. I am tired after all the recent shit you pull, that's my reason. I am tired, tired of your excuses, insincere apologies, and shitload of hypocrisy.

You talked about your wedding and even ask me about the arrangements and even ask me if I would be your bridesmaid, only to turn around and invite your friends who you barely knew to do the job. That was just the last bullshit I was willing to deal with. No wait, your half ass apology filled with nothing but excuses was the last straw. After having to maintain this fuck up relationship with you for so many years, it felt like I have been friends with a drunk. Who lied, cheat, and say whatever the hell they want to get a drop of liquor. You're worst, I actually wish you did all of that for booze. You just want what you want. 

I walk away peacefully and try to maintain minimal contact and be civil. But there's a funny thing about back stabbing, the back stabbee will eventually find out about it. The best part is having to hear you spew more bullshit out of your mouth when you married a lazy poor ass ugly cunt and leaving our parents that you "so love" to rot after you got an "awesome" job that pays you in shinny British pounds. They paid for your bloody degree, you could at least use your bird brain and pay back that money.

I can already hear you making up excuses in my head right now. Our relationship didn't start out this way, but it did end this way. I can't waste anymore of my time on a relationship like this, I deserve better and you're just not worth it anymore. Don't be surprise because I am moving on without you, you saw this coming.

The good times were good, wasn't a whole lot of them but they were there and I will always remember them. But I have to go because I can't do this anymore. I can't be around a mean, lying, unsupportive, backstabbing cunt. There are probably more unpleasant adjectives out there that I can describe you with but I am sticking with these ones for now. Goodbye, it's been great knowing you.

Review of 2013

We're all hype about new year's resolution, some of us have achieved what we want year after year while others recycle what they had from the previous year which was probably recycled from the previous previous year. For me, it has been the same since 3 years ago. Meet people who encourage, inspires, and make me a better person; get rid of people who are negative, unproductive, only take but never give, and those who makes me feel depress and hopeless.

I recycled it for so many years not because I did not achieved it, but because I did. Growing up in an abusive home and having to move around a lot, friends come and go and family is hardly around. I needed good people to teach me what life was about. I needed more than friends, I need role models. I was glad that I've met amazing people over the years as I actively seek them out and avoid destructive people.

Growing up in a chaotic home, chaos is what I got use to. Peace, love, security doesn't feel normal for me. I seek out destructive relationships like a missile seeking a homing signal. I still do, that's why I needed a constant reminder to remind me what to do.

I have been vastly successful in 2013 in seeking out nice good mentoring people. But sometimes, those who share your pain is very attractive. To share your pain, to talk about how hopeless and pointless life is, and before you know it you may just be making a suicide pack if you're not careful. I feel bad letting such relationships go. They are nice people who care about me and have been kind. But I have gain nothing from them but anger, hopelessness and bitterness.

I guess writing is a way to ease my guilt. I feel guilty leaving people when they need "help". I am co-dependent, I love crazy people who doesn't want to help themselves. A constant reminder that I cannot stay objective around such people and that I need to stay away for my own good helps. Doesn't stop me from feeling sad and wanting to hug them and tell them I'll be there for them. It stops me from doing it and saying it. I think that's pretty good.

I've learn to not date people I fall in love with. I have issues, I don't always fall in love with the most upstanding person. I now know that you don't have to pursue a relationship with someone because you love them. Walking away doesn't stop you from thinking about it or even loving them, it stops you from making a stupid decision and having your heart broken. I never regretted those decisions simply because we make the worst choices when we approach a problem with desperation and impulse. If you cannot face a relationship objectively, you shouldn't make decisions about it. And as Sara Siddle from CSI says, not making a decision is a decision in itself. Understanding that what I need rarely aligns with what I want, and what I need is usually more important than what I want.  I had good people in my life who would remind me what's good and what's not. Thank you to all my role models and people who shower me with love and show me what's normal. 2013 was a slow year, a break from the crazy life I am about to face in 2014. Thank you friends, keep doing what you do and don't stop reminding me how silly I look in neon pink :)

Christmas, New Year's and a profound realization.

For the pass month, time flew by me. I miss many opportunities to challenge myself, meet new people, or enjoy life. I was binging on mmorpgs. I have stayed away from them since last year as I know it's not something for me. But the hype pull me back in. Before I know it, I've spend 60$ on a game I know I will not enjoy past a certain point.

MMORPG has been a big part of my life. I have been playing it since I was 16. I was at times addicted. When life throws me a curve ball and I lack the tools to deal with it, I hid. I hid in an imaginary world with other not so imaginary people trying to escape life. Some were there for social reasons, others simply for the game. Most of these people I met were depressed and lonely and I was one of them.

My life was so chaotic growing up that I needed a place to go. I do not have the means or resources to leave physically so I hid in a place where I wasn't being abuse, I wasn't alone, and I was something. I met people, nice people. They were the only things that kept me sane. I would be depress when I couldn't play the game, and all these people that I have somehow "met" through the game were my only friends and family. And when that was all said and done and people move on, I lost the only thing I had. The game was my everything and I was beyond addicted. I spend every waking hour thinking about it and every conversation talking about it. When my parents threaten to take that away from me, I threaten to hurt myself. I was serious, it was the only thing I had.

After so many years, I can say understanding the appeal of such games help. I am no longer attracted to these games to the point of addiction. But the relationship aspects still bothers me. Maybe because online friendships is a little different than real life. In an online world, you can be friends this moment and enemies the next. I have cried over broken relationships over the internet in the past as I am a sentimental and tend to treat online relationships like those of real life.

The fact that such things change in a split second bothers me, I don't know how to regulate or what to do with it. You hear their voices, see their picture, some times even skype. But at the end of the day, it is an illusion of a real relationship. I have to constantly remind myself that I never met these people in real life, and what we have is a hologram of a real relationship. It's hard. We're made for relationships and it's hard not to jump to that and treat them like anyone else you met.

It's like letting a homeless man smell, see, and touch a delicious meal but they are not allowed to eat it. Essentially, mmos are nothing but a skinner box. A box that enslaves the rat and make it do what the inventor wants. I always go into mmorpgs with the mindset that I do not want to make friends or have anything to do with other people because when those relationship fades (they always do, either due to real life commitment, guild change, game change, or minute game problems) you're left wondering, do I even know you? what are we? Maybe I need to stop labeling my relationships, maybe that's my problem.

I have enough social interaction in real life that I do not need the social aspect of MMOs. But it is impossible to avoid it as I am a very social person. After one month of not seeing the sun and missing out on real life, I was shock at how happy, relieve and glad I was when I went out with a friend for a whole day and met some very nice new people. It was refreshing to see people with a filter (people online say whatever they want), manners, and try to put their best foot forward. It felt normal.

Online people don't typically care about other people. They don't care if they offend you and threw all social courtesy out the window. Real life, people are not usually assholes. You see the better side of people. And I think with my sensitive and good nature, that just works out better for me.

Leaving an mmo is like breaking up. You feel sad, you'll miss it, but you know it's for the best. Wondering whether quitting is a mistake and missing out on the gear and level makes you want to go back. But it's something you feel like you HAVE to do. Not something you WANT to do. Sometimes, it feels like you'll let some of the people you met down. But if the tables were turn, they would probably leave in a heartbeat. I am the sentimental one, and I need to learn to compartmentalize better and remind myself these people don't give a rat's ass about me. it's just a game and the only reason we even talk is because the skinner box requires more than one rat to operate it so we can all get our fix.