I'm in this surreal place right now. Hurt but glad, it's confusing. It's one of those female moments where you just don't know what you want or what you feel. I am beginning to realize I wasn't happy in the relationship.
I knew he could never be the men I want him to be but I was scared. I was operating out of a place of fear. I was afraid that I would never find someone better than him. I was afraid I would never find a closer friend, someone who would understand me and share their life with me. And I was scared that I would have to go home to my 3rd world country that is politically unstable. I didn't felt confident that I could make it in life on my own.
Growing up being emotionally abuse, I was always told that I was nothing and I would not amount to anything. I thought I needed him because of his citizenship. I was scared, I never wanted to use him and I would leave if I didn't love him. But I wasn't looking for a lover, I was looking for a life jacket. I was drowning in my self created stress, perceived threats about the future, and fear that I would never feel as good as I once did when I first met him.
I always told him that we would be the best of friends. We knew each other, more than I've ever come to know someone. The relationship felt like it was slowly suffocating me, and I guess he felt the same. Right after I try to break off our engagement, he told me that we should break up because I'll never be happy in the relationship because he could never give up his house. He couldn't or he wouldn't?
He always love to make excuses and tell me he "can't" do something, I just wish I would have ask him if it's because he "won't" or he doesn't know how. I guess I was afraid of the truth. All the time, my believe was that I could never live without him and I'm done with relationships and this have to work.
The idea of the relationship falling apart was impossible, because of that believe I was unwilling to see the signs that he was not ready for a relationship. He loves the idea of falling in love and not having to lift a finger. He wants to receive but refuse to give. I was a mule toiling for his emotional needs and carrying the ever impending fear of loosing him.
He knew he had me when he realize I would never dump him because I was too afraid. He would blame me and try to break up with me because of something he never told me -- things that I did that bothered him. After that, I was a slave under his dictatorship, always fearing that he would dump me if he wasn't happy.
Instead of taking care of me, and making sure I was happy, I was serving him. I think he was trying to tell me that all along and didn't know how. He was dealing with his problems and instead of facing it, he turn me into one of them.
I think deep down, he tried really hard to do his best. He just didn't have the tools and emotional resources. He did what he knew and what he learn. I'm not excusing him for what he did, but I'm beginning to understand why. And I'm realizing now that I have to take the high road because he will never pay me back for the tickets or sent my stuff back to me.
I've seen his true colors and know that he will never ever own up to his shit or be man enough to admit them. He chose to run away like a little boy. When life gets tough, I have to tell him everything was going to be okay. I always wanted a mate who would hold me and assure me that life will be okay and that he'll be there for me. Instead I find myself holding down the fort while he pee his pants. I've done enough of of those reassuring roles in my life that I often wonder if someone would come along and do that for me. Maybe I never gave them a chance to do that, I don't know
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