Choices

Our life is affected by the choices we make, or the choices other people make. Life is a series of choices and living out the aftermath of ones choice. Recently, I've come across people who do not believe in making bad choices, only choices that "feel good" or it was something they "felt like doing". I try not to judge other people for the way they live. I try to steer clear of such people because I know all too well what they can do to the people around them.

I pass along very harsh judgements about others and I feel bad about it. That's probably why I judge myself mercilessly. It's hard not to feel angry and hurt when people who have no basis of making right choices tells you that your standards are too high and you will never meet anyone, simply because they have no standards themselves. Their recklessness cause so much pain towards others and themselves yet they fail to see it. 

To them, that is freedom. All I see is a broken heart, a train of people being hurt, parents who are being hurl into a hurricane, and even his own life. If that's freedom, then Osama bin Laden must be asian. I like to look at both sides of a coin, but sometimes, people are simply stuck in their ways. It's ok to agree to disagree, but there are some people who can't accept that. Either they convert you or die trying... (Reminds me of cults and crazy christians... Hahaha) 

I like to think of myself as someone who is smart enough not to fall for that. I was beginning to consider it and realize this is not a good influence on my life. I know what I want in my future and I've spend the last 7 years protecting it with everything I have. I need good friends, not someone who clouds my judgement morally and even logically. 

The sad part is, He is a really nice friend. And I think he deserve to have friends. Of course I feel horrible leaving (yup.... It's always about everyone. Ugh I need to stop). I just have to realize that whatever he deserves, I deserve to have good friends too. Maybe we're just too different to even be friends. 

I don't think I can be around someone who can't own up their own shit, clean it up, and learn from it. I guess that was what I was trying to say the whole time. Refusal to admit or even look at the shit he has cause is just... Unacceptable. We all make mistakes, but to refuse to learn from it, own up to it, and make amends for it... I don't want to be around someone like that mainly because I don't want to be the next person buried in their shit, knowing that I will be the one who will have to clean it up for them. Or maybe, he own up, I just never heard it or is too busy to want to hear it.

I've spend most of my life cleaning up after others. And I'm tired of always being the "reliable" person in every shit. Or the"she's always fine" person in every picture. I wouldn't be where I am today if I didn't turn my life around 7 years ago. I still remember having all those"friends" crapping all over my life and my future. Cleaning up their mess each and every day. There were days that I couldn't sleep but cry. to them, they have the freedom to do whatever they want, and then leave when they make a mess. I was this close of getting kick out of high school, turning to drugs, and practically throwing my life out the window.

I can't go back there, I made so many sacrifices and work so hard to get to where I am today. Maybe someday we can be friends. I still held out the same hope for Gab.