Life is hard sometimes, and it's during those moments that you need friends and find out who they are. I know I don't have much friends coming home, but sadly the number is dwindling down.
I like keeping people friends and making up excuses for them when it is obvious they do not want to make time for me or give a damn. I am tired, I can't sleep, I have a few friends left, and not much else.
Just found out that one of my lovely contacts never sent a reference letter on my behalf to grad school. I still have the email reminding her. Sent her 2 emails and she never responded. Told me how we should keep in contact and all that crap. But once you're out that door you're gone.
So many of them, tell me how they would write to me and all that. It would be a miracle if they still remember what I look like without my Facebook account reminding them. Relationships are fickle, doesn't matter if they are romantic or otherwise.
4 years ago, I wanted my sanity back so bad that I would be willing to do anything to get it. Now I have what I wanted, no more religious fanatics, bullying, fear, pain. I have peace, but I am not happy. I am not scared, I have all the food I want, I don't have to do chores, I have people to talk to (not as much of a social life I'd hope for but better than what I use to have), I have the freedom to go out whenever I want to and where ever I want to. But I am not happy.
All my life I just want to be happy, going from one fix to another. When it works it doesn't last, when it last, it doesn't works. Glad I am not an addict, at least not in a conventional sense. Everyone needs a vice, something to blow off steam. My vice just happens to be more socially acceptable.
I feel like life is slowly seeping away from me and I am missing out. I don't know how to stop it or how to fix it. I feel like getting a job might be the solution, but what if it's not? What then? I am just tired of being miserable, well I don't know if there is a word to describe the state I am in.
From a conventional and logical point of view my life is pretty good, I am not miserable really, just something is missing. And before your fucking religious mind decides to bring me to church or preach, no I am not in need of a savior or an imaginary friend. A snuggle buddy/boyfriend would be a better guess compare to the need for direction from a higher being who was jobless his whole life and depended on charity.
Every time I close my eyes, I just feel hopeless, like I am slowly drowning with no way of stopping it. Well, there's nothing a little alcohol can't fix, that's why everyone needs a vice -- so they don't have to listen to someone claiming to represent an imaginary being every Sunday.
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