Reaching out

I never figure out how to ask for help or reach out when times are tough. It's easier for me when things are so bad that I would just break down. Before I came home, I was worried I wouldn't have any emotional support due to the lack of friends. Some quickly offered up their friendship and buttered up to me.

As I begin to rely on these relationships, I realize most of them wanted something from me. It's sad to see how things have become. While those who genuinely care about me have a life not to mention very busy due to the upcoming holiday. I don't know how to tell them what I'm going through. I feel bad because I know I will be disturbing them. Most of all, I don't know if they would care. Maybe it's a big deal to me but not to them. I don't know.

My family is a patchwork of shit consisting of extended family who would swallow us up every chance they get. While my great uncle lies in the hospital bed hopefully not taking his last breathe, I can't help but wonder what kind of person would hurt their own brother or uncle for a penny.

The oven broke today. I don't know. I still have to get my transcript, unpack my stuff, apply for grad school, deal with emotional crap (making friends, starting a new life and what not) and remember to call the airline to refund my ticket, and talk to the school about my transcript because we no longer have a fax machine.

All these things aren't that bad. The worst part is that it reminds me of my first semester in college. I tried my best to meet new people and make friends but to no avail, I was betrayed, back stabbed, and laugh at. I'm just scared that I'll end up there again.

Talk to my friend Sarah for a bit. It was nice. Didn't know what to tell her regarding my recent pile of elephant crap. Looking forward to hanging out with her this weekend. I feel bad contacting someone just to spill my crap to them. I feel like using them when I do that and maybe they don't want to hear about it. Sometimes, I just wish I can get a hug. I miss my friends, I don't have a good feeling about this.