Those who look the other way

"The first rule of bureaucracy is self preservation" - Rafael Barba

Watching SVU this week was hard. I couldn't watch it in one go. I felt sick to my stomach half way through the show because I know far too well how this goes. I had the privilege to watch as a by stander as such atrocities were committed. I couldn't do anything because my hands were tied, tied by a promise I made, tied by self preservation. All I could do was make sure he was gone. I didn't want anyone to go through what she had to go through but I did everything that I could.

Today she is married and happy, I can't say anything anymore. It's too late, she'd move on, but deep down I know she's probably pretending she'd move on. I guess I just want to believe she moved on for good, maybe then I would have a reason not to say anything, for the sake of her future and probably mine.

I am scared that if I ever say anything, my degree would be yanked and everything would be gone. I really really want to believe that all is well. He knew he had a prior rape accusation, yet he let him live on campus with complete access to a hunting ground. He didn't do anything, I doubt he even talk to her. He gets to walk away, received scholarships, and graduate. All because he was a star athlete. 

I feel disgusted at myself sometimes, why I didn't do more. At least he left, that's the only thing I could take comfort in. Whether he left on his own accord or because he was afraid I would tell, doesn't matter. I go to sleep hoping that he is the problem and not the school. Every time when I run to her and tell her about it, she was so apathetic, unsympathetic, and in some way felt like the girl deserve to be rape.

Maybe she would change if she knew it was her daughter. Stuck between mother and child, having to pretend everything is okay, smiling in front of her while every fiber in my muscle wanted to scream the truth, the truth -- Someone you called a friend look the other way when your daughter was rape.

I didn't want to hurt anyone. I just want peace and order and not to rock the boat. I made a promise, a promise to a friend, a friend who have been mistreated, forgotten, hurt, and disregarded when she needed those around her to stand up for her. They fed her to the wolves, I don't want to do that, that's why I kept quiet... because I didn't know what to do anymore.

Am I the only one that is being eaten alive by this guilt? I hope not...