Having one of my moments and can't sleep. Thinking about what happened for the last 4 years of my life. How I rarely use my phone because I never really had anyone to call. I didn't really had any friends. I spent most of my time either being bullied or alone.
One thing for sure, many people will miss their life in college and refuse to grow up, as for me, I'm glad I met the people I did and at least a quater of it was good. It's rotten to feel that people didn't want to be friends with you simply because you are different. I spent most of my time feeling scared and alone and not accepted because I refuse to act like them.
He was my closest friend and my best friend during those times. He was the only person I talk to, who accepted me for who I am and cared about me. How he told me I'll never be cold again because he will always be there. He likes making promises he can't keep and talking big. He once suggested to meet my parents in England. Once the opportunity presented itself, he back out of it like a child. Not surprising though, that was not the only thing that he failed to live up to.
I just want someone who is responsible. Responsible enough to know the weight their words carry, man enough to tell me the truth when things are not going well. Man enough to stand up to me when I'm going crazy on him. He was too busy trying to impress me. I never really know him. The man I knew was a fake that he put up. The illusion can only last so long.
I never realize how strong and how brave I was. I thought I needed crutches to go through this life. The crutches of unhealthy people, the crutches of a relationship. I rely on others to make me happy instead of making my own happiness. We need relationships to be happy, but you have the power to choose what kind of people you want to be surrounded by.
Most importantly, stop trying to make a swine sing, it will only frustrates you and annoy the pig. If certain people can't meet your emotional needs, don't hope for them to change. Look for another relationship, people rarely change. They don't become emotionally attached, healthy, loving, kind, and empathethic over night either. Move on. Something I have to learn during these past few months.
Can't say my life is worst without him. I do miss him from time to time. But I have made so many friends during the last month of college. I'm no longer depress (surprisingly), I wanted to live a better life and be a better person. Most of all, I've learn a lot about myself, the mistakes, the bitterness, they all have to go. I'm more positive despite my circumstances, I've learn to be grateful for the things I have and appreciate the here and now. I no longer live in fear, I now live in hope. Knowing that I and I alone can can decide what tomorrow will be like. My friends were right, I am brave, I've always been brave, I believed what my family told me after years and years of verbal abuse. That I was useless and a "paper tiger" and that I was even afraid of my own shadow.
Well, I'm done believing in bullshit, I didn't live this long just to hang on to a lie told by a bunch of pussies who won't take their kids out of school because it was "hard"
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