Started doing yoga today. Loved it, can't wait till I can do all those awesome posses. Anyhow, today was a frustrating day for me. It hasn't rain for a few weeks and it was close to 40 degrees (100f ) and it was unbearable.
I'm loosing my patience when it comes to getting a job and is getting desperate. I know I should stay calm and it takes awhile for some companies to respond, but it's really hard when you can't stop comparing yourself with others.
Have you ever met someone that is so broken that you don't know how they manage to stay alive for so long? Well I do, and it can be very frustrating. It's a sad sight but I've done all that I can. You get to truly see a person for who they are when they face their biggest fear.
Sometimes we wonder why people avoid us, why we are friendless, lonely, and no one seem to want to have anything to do with us. Sometimes it's probably because you're a porcupine, or an insensitive asshole, or... A taker. You simply take in every relationship and see giving as something only "soft" people do. Insulting, calling your friend names, teasing, is your way to show affection... How childish.
I try not to change people in order to make my life easier but this is just "ugh". Yet when he is upset, he wants emotional support, kindness, and someone to listen to him. I did the best that I could but ultimtely he shoot me a "I don't want to argue with you, I'm going to go to my corner" when I try to challenge his "manly" believe.
To that I say "ok bye." You're an adult, if you don't want to deal with your issues, I ain't going to safe you. It's a different story if you don't know what your issue is or is working on it, but wanting someone to come and rescue you and love you "despite" of your issues... Grow up :/ we all have to learn to love ourselves and deal with our own crap.
I know it's cruel for me to be so objective during this time as he is facing a major crisis, I can't help but feel that it's karma. If you're an insensitive dick, chances are your friends are too. I don't want to beat him down, but what about me? Be called on only when he is bored, sad, or needed a therapist. Or when he feels like telling me what is right and show me how manly he is...
Man and their rigid gender roles are only going to hurt themselves. I told him it's his believe, he can change it or hang on to it, his choice and he will have to live with it. He try to generalized that every men whether asian or caucasian are the same. To that I say bullshit, he doesn't know everyone. Just because he is fuck up in the head doesn't mean everyone is.
Trying to say that to show control, power, and intelligence (haha) is ..... just showing how inecure and small he is. I'm just frustrated and feel used. It would be better if he makes me feel like a therapist, at least I'm not getting lash outs, guilt trips, or crap. I feel like a sandbag, when he gets bored and feel like punching it, I have to tke it because I should be kind since he is going through a lot. Simply put, I feel like crap, and I don't want to bother anyone else. *sigh...
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