So I've been having a hard time sleeping for the past few days. Every time when I close my eyes, I started thinking about... Him. Yeah, I'm no longer crying my eyeballs out but there's just a tinge of...sadness that just comes over me and I would just stay in that moment.
Sometimes I wonder if it's pms. But on the other hand I know it's part of the process. Him and a lot of other things bring out a lot of feelings and a lot of other stuff that I never knew exist. It's like a magician pulling a handkerchief out of a hat. One hanky tied to another and it just keep on pulling. I really wanted a job badly. Staying at home and doing nothing is giving my brain too much time for crap thinking. Yes, it's an official word now - crap thinking.
My negative believe of "my needs don't matter" is still deeply affecting my life. I feel mean or bad when I disagree with someone I cared about be it a friend or a relative. Or if I told the truth about what I think of them, or have a conversation that would hurt someone's feelings. Since I believe my needs don't matter, it's easier for me to swallow whatever I feel or issues and "not be mean" to the other person.
By being nice to other people, I became mean to myself. It's a tough balancing act and I'm still trying to figure it out. No doubt it will take some time. Rejecting other people is something I have a hard time doing. I feel mean for doing it, it often takes a long time, and a lot of crap enduring for me to finally decide to walk away. When I should've just left in the first place, which was what I kept telling myself x.x
I feel like I'm torturing myself sometimes. Knowing what to do and what kind of pain is waiting for me ahead, yet I felt helpless and unable to act according to my better judgement. Bound by my feelings to do what I know is wrong. It's as if I have lost my freedom to choose. Maybe I have lost that freedom. As they say, we often don't do what we want, we do what we know.
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