Review of 2013

We're all hype about new year's resolution, some of us have achieved what we want year after year while others recycle what they had from the previous year which was probably recycled from the previous previous year. For me, it has been the same since 3 years ago. Meet people who encourage, inspires, and make me a better person; get rid of people who are negative, unproductive, only take but never give, and those who makes me feel depress and hopeless.

I recycled it for so many years not because I did not achieved it, but because I did. Growing up in an abusive home and having to move around a lot, friends come and go and family is hardly around. I needed good people to teach me what life was about. I needed more than friends, I need role models. I was glad that I've met amazing people over the years as I actively seek them out and avoid destructive people.

Growing up in a chaotic home, chaos is what I got use to. Peace, love, security doesn't feel normal for me. I seek out destructive relationships like a missile seeking a homing signal. I still do, that's why I needed a constant reminder to remind me what to do.

I have been vastly successful in 2013 in seeking out nice good mentoring people. But sometimes, those who share your pain is very attractive. To share your pain, to talk about how hopeless and pointless life is, and before you know it you may just be making a suicide pack if you're not careful. I feel bad letting such relationships go. They are nice people who care about me and have been kind. But I have gain nothing from them but anger, hopelessness and bitterness.

I guess writing is a way to ease my guilt. I feel guilty leaving people when they need "help". I am co-dependent, I love crazy people who doesn't want to help themselves. A constant reminder that I cannot stay objective around such people and that I need to stay away for my own good helps. Doesn't stop me from feeling sad and wanting to hug them and tell them I'll be there for them. It stops me from doing it and saying it. I think that's pretty good.

I've learn to not date people I fall in love with. I have issues, I don't always fall in love with the most upstanding person. I now know that you don't have to pursue a relationship with someone because you love them. Walking away doesn't stop you from thinking about it or even loving them, it stops you from making a stupid decision and having your heart broken. I never regretted those decisions simply because we make the worst choices when we approach a problem with desperation and impulse. If you cannot face a relationship objectively, you shouldn't make decisions about it. And as Sara Siddle from CSI says, not making a decision is a decision in itself. Understanding that what I need rarely aligns with what I want, and what I need is usually more important than what I want.  I had good people in my life who would remind me what's good and what's not. Thank you to all my role models and people who shower me with love and show me what's normal. 2013 was a slow year, a break from the crazy life I am about to face in 2014. Thank you friends, keep doing what you do and don't stop reminding me how silly I look in neon pink :)