I am usually cynical and have no time for positive bullshit. It only works on people who wants to pretend and look good for everyone else and hide in their closets and cry. But just thinking about what happen in my life I realize I date disgusting losers even when they physically repulses me.
I still remember the first time I met Thomas. I thought he was gross and "ughhhhhh". But instead of smiling and being polite and move on, I decide to assure him that he is not ugly and continue to pursue a relationship with him because I felt bad that he was born "unlucky". GIRL! That is not your problem. How he feels about himself or how he looks isn't your problem. You're not the romantic version of mother Theresa!
You don't go around dating ugly losers with jobs that can't even pay their own rent to make them feel better about themselves. It is not your responsibility to make their life better. After that horrible break up, I vow to myself that I will never date someone who repulses me and makes me wonder why I would stoop so low below my league. And for that I am proud of myself. I still remember having that same feeling when C ask me on a date while he was drunk at a party. My first reaction was, what kind of idiot ask me out on a date while he is drunk and getting handsy with me? He must have miss the lessons on being classy.
Turn him down so fast before he could string together another poorly constructed sentence. Of course he insisted on going on a date with me the next day and I had that very same feeling I had when I first saw Thomas --- "ughhhh, omg, nooo, gross". And for the first time in my life, I follow my gut and honored and acknowledge my own feelings and turn him down nicely and bluntly.
His response was typical of a butt hurt 10 year old -- I was friend-zoning him. Soon after he realize I was dating his housemate, he began to call me fat, insult what I wear and slip in insults in conversations every chance he gets. THATS when I realize if I would have done that with all the other ugly losers I put up with, I would have seen their true colors much much sooner.
So yeah, I need to stop making other people happy and start being nice to me. I shouldn't overcome my nausea of looking at someone's face for the sake of their self esteem when the last thing they give a shit about is me. There is a reason why some people are single and no one wants to date them. It's rarely because they are unlucky, it is usually because they are creepy assholes, who have nothing to offer internally and physically repulsive.
Yes I notice I may sound "mean". Outward appearance is not everything and I am not that shallow to judge a person by how they look. However, if you're not that attractive on top of being a dickwad, it lowers your chances of anyone wanting to be around you significantly.
Those things aside, I want to be with someone that I can look at and smile without trying to hold down my vomit. The truth is, I went with my gut on my last relationship and he didn't repulse me and he didn't make me feel creep out.
However, when he started being controlling and abusive, I let it slide. Because my expectation was that normal people respond to kindness and forgiveness very differently than someone who is abusive. I treated him like a normal person when in fact he is nothing but abusive. He have no respect for me, make fun of me with his friends. I was their entertainment because being brown from a 3rd world country with shitty English and a reputation of abusing women was far better than me being whatever that I am. I never figure out what their problem is with me. Is it because I am not brown? Because I am Asian? Or is it because they are just a bunch of rotten uneducated and unsuccessful adults that they need to take out their frustration on someone else? I don't know, and frankly it doesn't matter anymore.
Well since we're talking about lessons we learn from past relationships, after dumping him, I realize if a guy starts talking about his ex-girlfriends vagina with everyone in the car like it's the weather when you first met him, he's definitely not a nice person and a big jackass. If he brags about cheating on his ex-girlfriend and punching a mirror to intimidate and scare his mother, he probably will never grow an ounce of respect for anyone lacking a penis. Yes, everyone have feelings and I shouldn't be so cruel, maybe they mean well or they don't mean it in a bad way. Well who gives a shit? I am the one who have to listen to it and I am the one who have to carry the feeling of disgust after hearing those things, why should I compromise how I feel to let someone inflate their ego at the expense of other people's dignity? That is the very definition of cruel.
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