I have a very dark sense of humour. That's how I deal with things. Life sucks, there's always some crap happening and sometimes all you can do is laugh it off. So today I woke up with severe vertigo and have no mood to engage in any banter around the house.
Like a normal human being I decided to do my dishes after cooking. Lo and behold, my creepy ass housemate is making his food. We've had our fare share of issues, from him not understanding social constructs like staying out of other people's conversations to not cleaning after himself (e. g. not flushing), and lying about cleaning after himself. He's been a pain in the ass. There have been past incidents where he almost had a fist landed on his face (not my fist, another housemate's fist) and I have to be the adult to break up the fight.
The way we survive after all of that unpleasantness is using my landlord as a go-between because lord knows my creepy housemate cannot take any criticism. His response to any request (e. g. please flush after you take a shit) can be sum up in three phases. Phase one, denial -- I didn't do it, Phase two, offer up a solution to a problem he created -- maybe we need to put a sign to remind people to flush. Phase three, accuse anyone who dare to confront him of bullying -- why are you bullying me?
I have no interest to even respond to an idiot who can't flush so I generally ignore his existence. But for some reason, this mouth breather is so desperate for attention that any time I am within ear shot, he has to passive aggressively "show me" how upset he is like a toddler by slamming things or throwing cutlery, I could only assume he struggle with words.
So while I was doing my dishes, like usual he was having trouble with his words again and figure throwing a pair of scissors at my direction is a good way to get some attention. Well, this is the second time this has happen. I am tired of putting up with such behaviour so I told him calmly that he might want to work on his aiming if he plans to throw something at me.
I think I made his day by responding to him because he was so excited he literally stuttered every single one of the insults he had prepared for me. Mostly consist of juvenile attempts to undermine the way I look (e.. g. look at your face --- yeah hun I look at it everyday? So? Is that suppose to be an insult?), other times it consist of random vulgar words that were string together (e. g. fuck, bitch). If you want to insult me, be a little bit more creative especially if you are going to stutter. The best you can do is ask me to look at myself as if I have no idea what I look like and assume that is an insult? How about lobotomize bitchass? or something creative like, you look like you eat unicorn shit?
Anyhow, at that point, I decided not to give anymore attention to a clearly lonely, desperate, angry little man by singing opera every time he manage to stutter a half ass insult. So he decided to get in my face and yell at me to shut up and try to swing a pot at my face. I slap him across the face as hard as I can the minute he decides to get in my face (sticking his face less than an inch away from my face). Asshole, if you are going to get in my face expecting me to feel scared or worst kiss you (if he really thought that he's more delusional than I thought), I don't know what to say,
If you get into other people's face and threaten them physically, be prepared for people to defend themselves. He basically decided to try to swing a pot at me (with horrible aim) and I walk away and said I am going to call the police because, fuck, I get ugly arguments, but the moment a 6 ft tall men decided to use his hands instead of words to express himself and threaten me, that's the line. He decided to chase me down the hall way, force himself into my room and refuse to leave by sticking his feet in between my door and screaming.
At that point I was afraid for my life and I scream as loud as I can. I am realizing it's impossible to make this funny. Anyway, after screaming for a good two minutes with him not willing to give up, I ran for my phone and he decided to get into my room and try to wrestle the phone out of my hand. Luckily, everyone in the house is watching in horror at this point at what he is doing. I scream at him and smack him as hard as I can to get him out of my room, he still refuse by holding onto my room door. I slam it on his hand as hard as I can and lock my door and proceed to call the police.
It's not funny then and it still isn't now. Men always say things like, well he didn't hit you, or you smack him first. Sure I did, imagine being my size and a women and a men yelling at you holding on a pot gesturing to smack you with it while his face is less than an inch away from yours. He might as well be brandishing a knife. Yeah he didn't hit me, but he certainly was threatening to. He was standing between me and the hall way back to my room. If i could walk away without slapping him, I would, but he was in the way and clearly ready to hurt me and show me how "powerful" he is physically as a men and probably enjoying the fact that he can instil fear in women that way.
The police came, was nice, dealt with him, because no one witness him threatening me physically (everyone only witness him breaking into my room and forcing himself in my room), they can't do anything. But the officer was more than happy to give that loser an earful and how he'll come back with a pair of special handcuffs just for him if he thinks it's acceptable to break into other people's property. He was so quiet and lurking around when I talk to the police, it's interesting to watch how quickly he went from "fearless" to fearful.
Even after I lock my door, he apparently attempted to open my door and break in. This is the kind of freak I live with. And luckily this piece of lobotomise carrot is being ask to leave the property which is amazing, In the mean time, I have to barricade myself in my room and is not allowed to wander into my kitchen or bathroom without supervision and I have every intention to not get murdered.
Honey, this is how you insult someone you piece of lobotomized human trash that your mother should have swallowed. Next time you go to work at Dominos, try slamming your own head in the oven just to see if you actually feel anything, because I bet if I shine a flashlight in your ear your eyes would lit up. If you want to be an asshole, at least learn how to be creative when insulting other people. When you look like Frankenstein had a massive car accident with his jaw ram back together, it severely undermine your ability to insult someone else's looks considering Frankenstein get laid more than you.. So either learn to be creative, get plastic surgery, or quit being an asshole and grow a pair.
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